It’s not that you do not want my love
It’s that you do not want me.

Homme Un
Il me regarde et il me ment
Je me sens comme une enfant devant une vitrine de mensonges
Il me sourit, me noit lorsque je plonge
Je rêve d'une bouffée d'air
Mais je ne respire que l'alcool de ton haleine
Je cours mais ne m'éloigne guère

Homme Deux
Me fait me sentir belle
Tout comme les trois autres femmes
Qu'il voit chaque semaine
Je ferme les yeux pour ne pas voir
Mon reflect douloureux, triste dans un miroir
Il oublit de m'appeler le soir, ne préviens pas qu'il rentre ****
Après tout je ne suis que trophée numéro deux,
Je n'ais pas de valeur dans tes yeux

Homme Trois
M'emmène en vacances
Il prépare quelque chose, je pense
**** de moi la pensée d'un rêve différent
Je vis ma vis à chaque instant
Tourne la tête quand il comtemple
L'écran de sont téléphone avec passion,
J'évite, je m'invente des raisons
Il ne peut pas partir, ne peut pas s'en aller
Je n'ai même pas eu le temps d'arrêter de l'aimer

Homme Quatre
N'aura aucune chance
De rentrer dans la danse
Je me suis fais blessée trop de fois pour compter
Je ne survivrais pas une quatrième calamité

I created my own mask when I was 8 and crying in the back of a cab.
2. I had taken for granted the joy and happiness but my eyes were seeing through tears and for the very first time I could not breathe under the weight of the stone placed upon my heart and we were driving away and away
and away
3. When the plane took off I stopped crying
4. I do not remember the next 2 years
5. At age 13, I spent 3 years being bullied. During winter I would hold my forehead against the radiator until it burned and burned and I would tell my parents I wasn’t feeling well. They would let me stay home by myself and I would feel such relief at not having to see the people who hurt me. I would end my days in my room hugging my frame and reminding myself I am worth something.
6. At age 16 I took my bag full of my broken self-esteem and destroyed self-worth and left the continent to get a chance at mending myself.
7. It has been years but I still feel worthless sometimes.
8. When I come back to the place where it all took place I get mad. The adults who were supposed to protect me just looked at me down with pity and the family that should have been there for me did not understand that I was not being dramatic this time, Dad, and perhaps the saleswoman skills you praise me for were acquired while bargaining for my life you know nothing. I hid all the places where they broke me under a mask that fit so well over my face I do not know how to get it off. It fits so well you never realized it isn’t me, Dad, Mom, you know something is wrong. I see you staring with wariness when I get lost in thought, my hand creating waves in the wind from the open window of the backseat of your car, but you never say anything.
9. Even if you did speak to me, I wonder what I would be able to explain. I cannot even speak clearly to my psychiatrist.
10. I try. Isn’t it enough to try ?
11. The mask does not come off, not for you, not for him, not for anyone. Not even for myself. I wonder if I will ever see my real face again.

Spoken word is the only thing that drives me to the breaking point because all the words, all the feelings that are trapped inside my soul are somehow released into the air and linger around for people to breathe in
suddenly,
it is not as hard as I usually feel like it is to be
connected to people
we are all moved by the same poets who dare to come up on stage and bare their feelings
it drives me mad
That only in that specific place can I become who I wish to be
It is hard
to blend in
with the people whose soul are not rooted in their bodies as deeply as others
and to think they never wonder about things like
why whales have no ears but can listen to their partner across thousands of miles
and how
bumblebees are impossible and yet wander the Earth like nothing is wrong.
I wonder if it’s easier to stay rooted to the earth with little thoughts that never make you want to touch the sky rather than be weighed down by feelings and too heavy to fly no matter how hard you try to leave.

Often I feel like people do not realize I am smarter than they think. Perhaps not in the way I handle math problems or in the way I act out.
But in the way I observe and listen when they believe I am not.
The way I take notice of things and keep that in mind for the next time, and the way I see what makes them tick, what makes them uncomfortable and where to hit to hurt.
I tend to know and knowledge is power, but it is also restrain.
I have bit my tongue many times to avoid saying something at the right time to hurt just where the skin is soft and the bone is fragile.
I am a demon with a sword but all they see is a dumb young girl. Sometimes I wish I could show them my ****** teeth as I rip them to shreds right where the wound is red and raw and too often scratched by words. I could rip it open all over again, and you would not see me coming.
You would never expect me.
It is my blessing and my curse;
I wish to hurt to relieve my own pain but I have been wounded so many times I cannot inflict a blow to somebody else
Though I long to bare my claws and rip out the goody-two-shoes so you may see the monster beneath.

I wanted a love that didn't want me

When will I get to say
We
Us
Our
Instead of
I
Me
Mine

Being alone is no longer nice.
Being alone makes me feel lonely.
I never used to feel lonely.
And now that I do,
I just want to be able to say

"We"

I get these bursts of want, of extreme need to be someone's something
When I see someone being somebody's someone
And
I'll feel lonely and longing and that urge to touch touch touch someone in a way I never do. I want to massage your head

and touch your ears and have you touch me and i wonder how long has it been since that happened it was so long ago i MISS it in a way i didn't 3 minutes ago
and now my head is full with it and i want nothing more but your touch and touching you

The best way I can explain it is having an addiction of sorts.
You train yourself to stop craving something
But you have a bite
and you
descend straight to hell.

I forget the need for physical contact
Then it comes
Like a rain
d
  r
    o
      p
On my cheek, after a long, dry summer in the desert
And then the thirst,
the thristthristthristthrist
For the other
thristthristthristthrist
To be wanted, wanted, loved and loved
thristthristthristthrist
To be part of the world like all the others
To be part of the cycle of life
Around which I only turn around,
Trying to find my way
*in

'Ah, but you do not know how to love’, she says, ‘until you have given your heart away to someone who didn’t deserve it.
'You haven’t tasted love until you have tasted your own blood’.

You are my paradise
You are my up, never my down
You were...

You are my paradise lost
My eden lost to ashes
Ever since
You've been gone

Tu es mon paradis perdu
Je n'ais decouvert ta valeur
Que lorsque tu as disparu
Je te regrettes
Chaque jour depuis

I am a one love at a time kind of girl
The memory of his smile
Still etched on my pillow
His scent
All over my room
Empty now since you left
Two years ago

I am a one love at a time kind of girl
And every love is more heady
More enthrancing than the last
2010 lasted two yearsand a lot of tears
But a stronger heart
2012 lasted two years and a lot of tears
But a wiser heart
2016 is just over now
And it has been two years
I wonder still, what will I have learned,
Now?
I still wonder, how can I love more than I loved you?
But then again
I asked myself that question
Twice already...
As I get older I realize,
The last person I will love will be loved
In a way I have never loved anyone else yet
**How wonderful to realize I have not yet loved as deeply as my heart can love
And what a love it will be

Gather hope in a cloak of dreams
Hide it in the folds of your heart
The sun will shine for you
Everytime
You reach
Into yourself

Once upon a time
A life was lost in the midst of lies
Truths were not told as they should
And wars began
Pain turned into a mistress all were doomed with
Each home was slayed with loss
A life was stolen among the good
To be found again only an act of truth
Could unleash the power of all things good
For truth is the only key
Of peace, love and action
And only in times of war
Can truth be set as the winning prize
To set a drop of water
Into an ocean of flames
And drown the pain of death
With the sparks of hope
Hope for a brave soul
Aiming for peace
And hoping for a better tomorrow.
She held her hands open in surrender
Did not flinch as death ignited through her body
Like a velvet blanket it covered her
Draping its dark shadows upon her open hands

Once upon a time
A little girl died
Killed by the misshapes of the world she lived in
*Hope bloomed

Ah, but it burns when you turn away
Knowing I cannot make you stay

But those eyes,
Ah,
I live for those eyes.

People are so contradictory
They say
If you find something you love
Never give it up
They say
If you find someone you love
Let them go
My mind is torn between
Chasing after you to the end of the world
Because I love you
Or letting you leave me behind
Because I love you
When is it enough?
When do I know
*Enough

You were the heart in my poems
You are the shadow behind the words
You were the light
You were the life
You are the heartache beneath my smile
You are darkness
And you
                  Pull
                           Me
                                  In
                                        ...

Quand elle me parle du ciel,
Je n'ais d'yeux que pour elle.
Quand elle me parle des cieux,
Je n'ais d'yeux que pour nous deux.

C'est le genre de douleur que l'on désire,
Le genre qui nous manque quand elle n'est pas là.
Celle qui fait mal,
Mais que l'on regrette lorsque l'on s'en va,
Et que l'on passe notre vie à espérer ressentir.
C'est le genre de douleur que je garde en moi,
Que j'entretiens chaque jour un peu,
En lisant les lettres que jadis tu m'envoyais,
A la lueur d'une bougie,
Les nuits où je me sens seule.

-Enjoying the view?
-I'm going to jump.
-Sure.
-Sure?
-Who am I to say you shouldn't jump? Perhaps they deserve it.
-Who?
-The people's hearts you're going to break when you touch water like concrete and dismember yourself. I heard it's painful.
-How do you know?
-I'm a forensic pathologist. I observe dead bodies all day long. I know when something hurts.
-Maybe the external pain wouldn't be as painful.
-As?
-My crushed heart? I know when something hurts, too.
-What did he do to you?
-Love somebody else.
-Then move on.
-I cannot move on.
-Then leave.
-Why?
-So he cannot hurt you anymore.
-The other end of the world isn't far enough.
-No man is worth this kind of hurt.
-This one is.
-No one is.
-I have forgotten how to be happy again.
-Start with a smile.
-*Even smiling breaks my heart.

"Lethal:
1. Sufficient to cause death.
2. Very harmful or destructive"

The dictionnary's definitions of lethal is my only definition of you.

I remember waking up to a start
Panicked
Feeling your arm around me
My heart slowing down before speeding up again
Feeling your arm around me
And I kissed you...
...Your jaw...
...I didn't mean to
But I felt your arm around me
Comforting me
After a nightmare
And I kissed you
And you were awake
Startled by my movement
And you kissed me
You kissed my forehead
My heart
My heart almost burst open
That feeling
Nothing could compare
I just had had
My first kiss
And I almost wanted it to be my last
God,
I loved you so much, then
God,
I love you so much, now
When darkness sets in
And I wake up with a start
And I feel my heart beat beating
My cold sheets surrounding me
I let my mind wander back
To that kiss
And let me heart speed up
And let me heart swell up
Just before it crumbles again
**Under the weight of absence
Under the weight of silence

I have always wanted to say
We are leaving
Thanks for inviting us

But there is just me
I am alone
Don't leave me

There is no us.

I cannot say goodbye
I have learnt to bow my head and stay silent
The silence is killing me
But if death is the price to pay for courage
I will accept my sentence in silence
I will plead with God
I will hope for the best
But I will stay silent

I cannot speak the words I long to say
I cannot be the person I loathe
I cannot act against my beliefs
I cannot
I will not
But the silence is killing me

I want to climb on top of a mountain
With you
I want to climb into your arms
At night
I want to be your person and for you to be
Mine