I sit, in my prison of fears, dreams, hopes and consequences thinking,
I am thinking about my life, but most  importantly, what I want and desire. Tonight my thought is of you, as I look back and ask why? Why do I care, why do I feel, and why did I give my true love and honour.

In better times, you were the symbol of fun, new hope, and excitement.
I laughed a bit more, taste the fruits just a bit better, and saw the colours a bit brighter as excitement ran through my veins. I remembers days conversing about everything and nothing, exploring each other's favorite music, dance, style, and humour.

I grown to trust as a friend and romance as a prospect as I seen bits and pieces in you that I have not seen in others. As comfort set, so did fear and anxiety of the next chapter. It hindered, broke, scared, and hurt us. We experience forces that successfully broke us out of envy and jealousy of our closeness. Half the times we were stronger, other times, weaker as other people painted green while we only saw mud brown.

I spent many upbeat nights , dancing in my mind the beauty of the friendship and the words once said, and many nights crying, for the pain and hurt that is inflicted.

I will always not understand everything, especially the small magic that occurred as sometimes I feel insignificant to the only person I feel who is the most significant.

For the first time, I held the hand that shaken, cleaned the tears of confusion and pain, and gave only from my soul and heart, because I  just know it felt right. I watch every time unneeded, I become again void as once again I am imprisoned under negative energy and mirrors.

Always looking to cracked the bad mirror to prove the beauty and love within me, asking for a glare of notice, because as every day unfolds, I have a basic feeling of deep admiration and love solely on the history and fantasy combined we created. And I have no fear as the worst always have happened, leaving deeper in sorrow.

I realize I am a failure, not because I fail, but I found a reason to refuse to fail, as my stubborn heart persists and my mind fights. Despite the exposure of love and acceptance, for each positive influence I experience, I cannot fully appreciate as I wait for the perfect connection between what I admire and my self-reflection. When I promise to cross waters without swimming, taking hits without shields, and stopping time to fulfill my integrity, I meant it deeply as I have already executed my words.

Many times that I have drowned, shot by criticism from within and afar, broke past self budgeting, and surpass my expected limitations, I just know would do it all over again just to reflect on my mistakes to give a better story. It is my creed.

I may be a fool in many eyes, but finding a diamond with so many colourful flaws is very rare to me, and cannot be duplicated in effort or by chance. Seeing someone hold your hand as I wrapped in cold quietness is my pain, as I run out of ideas to bring forth the smile I have seen before, and the meaningful tears of love I once heard. If you were  colour, you are that shade of violet. Very loud, misunderstood, never available in most settings, but yet the shade that always sang to me.

Crucify me for being an idiot for loving, as I stand by whom I chose as my twin flames of friendship. I miss you because I have too. Some days I am glad I met someone who taught me that I could love for real, and some days I regret demeaning myself. I am guilty by creed.

As i always say, you given me spontaneous energy , in which gave my life some flavour beyond salty-boring. This here, what I am saying now, is just another random of spice to add to the ***, but in deep honesty, this is farther from the truth of randomization. I have written this starting from months ago, only in heart in mind, only to be transposed as words today.  I plea insanity, I plea the fifth, but I plea for recognition as I am guilty of melting by your presence. I refuse to walk the lines of this magic as a failure.

I offer my heart, eyes, soul, wisdom, fruits and prospects, just to see the smiling thanks and admiration I saw before existence of my deeper prison. Let me drink a cup of java and dance the floor of reality one day, and I promise the music will be more than moderately dismal. Within many days, we could choose to flour that pasta, and dip it into the sauce I prepared slowly. Let's ad-lib some more words into a book, and see what the sunset really looks like. With all of me, Peace.

Thomas~

As I stood in front of critical eyes, I had to convey myself today.
In my mind, I have designed the whole system as requested,
in my eyes, I have emitted my internal confidence of myself,
But when on stage, I feel compelled to watch my words,
My words sometimes have a way to stray, searching for the best combination.
The fear is not within my abilities of my craft, but my ability to sell myself, as a representation of the system I momentarily created. The anxiety of proposing my logic mixed with the doubt of being over-pretentious became me.
      As I look into their eyes, I take a mental breath, and proposed my system within layers as suggested in my mind. I felt compelled, yet nervous to present my thoughts and ideas. I am confident, yet thoughtful of every instance that could make or break my deal.
     That said, believing in yourself and knowing your facts to prove your bases, is the key to the eyes of inception that we call cultural matching to the masses.

For those who grew up differently or had difficulties in life, there is something inside of you that can make you great.  you may think differently, hence,  the world will not understand nor accept  the way you think and act upon existing  is merely your defense mechanism to survive. Only know that socialistic responsibilities is a key to not only adapt to the world but to excel in your abilities. It is okay, to be who you are; It is okay to fall; It is okay to above the line of normal that is defined by society, only if you apply some filter on your self-representation.  Know your skills and go after it. Find your dream and make steps everyday for that dream. Remember that once fallen, everything must go up. To explain, Gravity does not pull you, instead it is a force that pushes to the ground. That said, life pushes you everyday, not to destroy you, but to make you stronger and adapt.

This is what I see you in all, the power of language; Your writing, is the key to an effective communication to others as well as to your self.  
When you're bored , upset, emotional, write your fingers off! Write write write! Make poems, develop stories, teach somebody what you know, express your ideas, as long as it's in a constructive matter. The more your writing skills improve, your personal skills will improve in respect. personal skills, in general ,is the key to any career, lifestyle, and relationship, no matter what you do or what you believe. Words are constructed to sing your song. Sing it so you can find your way to start dancing to complex music beat that the world offers.

My words, are only reflection of my feelings, and my style is my reflection of my art.
Every breath I take, I analyze my life, my feelings, my dreams, and my hopes. I see what is wrong and refused to stay inept.
My greatest one, the one whom holds the opinion that matters the most, complimented as childish for my words. That is what good enough is?
In my heart, feelings are wrong and loyalty is misunderstood.
I will do better, and not give, but to watch , and over think. Cold heart, sharp tongue, and greed is the way to be, as no one will become better than yesterday.

I look at the world that I loved, cared, and helped. I see them happy.
Their lives are full without problems and issues, enjoying love, friendship, acceptance, and freedom. This should give me a smile that many walk happily because I have influenced them.
  Fighting my selfishness, greed that one day the hearts remember me, and offer back the love, acceptance, and friendship. I wished more than problems, mistakes, and being a slave to everyone's needs. I wished to be happy and treated, maybe once or twice. But my heart to the is true, my knowledge and wisdom is needed, and I am glad for who I am, I just don't like what I am in the world.

Nothing shouted louder
Than the words we left unspoken.
Nothing hurt more
Than the bones we left unbroken.