Please don't say that you know what my depression feels like
Because I don't want anyone else to feel like this
I don't have the usual kind of depression where you're just sad
I have the kind that makes me feel numb to everything
I feel nothing
I don't feel sad, or mad, or angry
I feel nothing
I don't get interested in anything
I have absolutely no motivation
I don't crave food
Eating makes me feel sick
I feel absolutely nothing
I feel disconnected from everything
And I hope that no one ever feels as numb as I do

I used to believe that people could be completely happy
But then my grandma died
And life happened
Then i started believing that no human could be completely happy
I dont believe its even possible
Humans can be happy
But humans will always disappoint
We always have these expectations and goals
And they cant always be reached
So we get dissapointed
So we as a species are just bound to disappoint
Over and over again whether we try to or not
We will never entirely fill each others goals and requirements
So we will never be entirely happy

when i hear the word home
i dont think of a brick house
or the furniture that lie inside
i think of my sisters and my mom
i think of my cat waiting behind the door
i think of poem book in my purse
i think of my best friend
i think of my young renegade jacket
i think of my collection of concert tickets
when i think of home
i think of the people and things that make me happiest
i think of the things that connect to my favorite memories
i connect home to comfort and happiness
i dont connect it with brick walls and broken furniture
it may bring safety but it doesnt bring me joy
and home to me means joy

when you see me
you only see my exterior
you see my baggy tees
and hazel eyes
you don't see the interesting parts of me
you don't see
my love for films
my adoration for a cat called lavender
my curiosity stored for murderers
my gypsy like spirit
my heart for poetry and literature
my collection of thick blankets and sweaters
my fondness for the brown haired girl miles away
my memories connected to lyrics and concert tickets
my obsession with candles and sunsets
you don't see the real me
unless you want to
and i want you too as well
because when you do
your able to see
my poetry with story upon story
my camera roll of cat and concert pictures
my messy room after a weekend trip
my eyes tired of awakening from sleep
my blush whilst reading
my smile reserved for my cat and loved ones
my tidiness caused from stress and feeling
my 7 am sleepy laugh
my messy self after a week of difficulty
when you see me
you see all of me
the destroyed me, the happy me, all of me
and you'll only see that
if i want you too

i love movies and music
that get me in this exact mood
this mood
that is undescribeable
where it feels like life is a film
filled with the emotions
that come rare in life
and this mood comes often
but no one would understand
because its as though i'm the only one feeling it
it's as though i'm living through nostalgia and newness altogether
as though i'm floating through everything
it may be the most difficult thing to describe
but it is the most desired thing i feel

Too many miles lay between
me and my favorite people
Too many numbers
that cause emotional
early morning conversations
But in the end we know
that these numbers are only numbers
And one day these numbers will go down
and we will be together
Because numbers can't destroy
a connection so strong