the putrid smell of cigarette smoke and cheap whiskey breath feels like home.
His arms felt like home, too.
I knew him as the boy who’d party all night and make plans with me the next day only to sleep the whole time.
I knew him as ****** noses from ******* and the young emphysemic cough that would **** a small part of me every time I heard it.
I knew him as that big, stupid ******* smile.
I knew him as the boy who’d ride his bike to my house but would always be too worn out to ride his bike with me.
I knew him as far too charming for his own good.
I knew him as perfectly imperfect.
I know him as cold and unempathetic.
I know him as the boy who refused to get on the phone with me for closure.
I know him as unstable.
I know him as manipulative.
I know myself as someone who will never be more important than *******.
I know myself as someone who will never be more important than cigarettes.
I know myself as just another doll who was tossed to the side by a child who got bored.
The fetor of a coffin nail and the acidic aroma of Highlands Red still reminds me of him—
but only the version of him that I knew.
my experience of falling in love with an addict