For every response left unread.
For every thought trapped in my head.
For the way you make me feel.
Decrypt if it's fake or if it's real.

It's hard to explain a feeling you don't quite know yourself.

Understanding your own mind can be tricky sometimes.

We don't quite know each other yet, despite that fact.

I still feel comfortable to talk to you.

 it feels like we have already had a wonderful first date, a romantic second, and our third wasn't the best but we are both don't care because we are spending it together.

 It makes me nervous, not knowing if you imagine the same thing.

That's why I panic when I talk to you, not knowing if the thing I just said was good enough.

so I say something new before you can type back, and believing that isn't good enough so I repeat the cycle.

Becoming stuck in a whirlpool of my own anxiety and overthinking, just because I don't want to miss my chance at that bad third date.

I don't want to miss the chance to stare at you, on a night not going as planned, but still being able to smile when I look at you.

I'm sorry I'm not good at talking, but I promise you would enjoy my rambling and awkwardness if you gave it a shot.

Worry about the unknown,
  I do, I do.
Sick with thought,
  I am, I am.

My heart races and I can't escape.
My worried thoughts have taken hold.
My heart is squeezed, suffocated.

A gentle hand
  touches my mind.
My heart unravels,
  until next time.

Before I first opened my eyes
Even before we had our first breath
You have always suffered
You have always felt his wrath.
He was supposed to protect you, us
He was supposed to love you, us
But he's as irresponsible as a child.
Painful truth, a true curse
So long as he exist,
So long as he breaths,
The circle continues.

I'm the last line of defense,
I'm the last one left to protect you.
But I also have suffered enough,
But I can't be weak, I cannot turn back.
Because It is my greatest duty;
My solemn oath to you,
I promised to always protect you.

Though, I cannot erase the fact...
I'm really... really tired.
I want to take a break from him.
I wish to get far from him, really far.
My siblings left you, me...alone.
I am just a child, I've held my ground;
I've held my ground till I'm finally broken.

Why do I have to be traumatized by him?
Why did we deserved all this?
What did I do to deserve this?
When will this ever end...
Because I'm really tired...
To protect you , all alone...
To face him all by myself...

I saw all of those empty cigarette boxes in the back of your car.
And I felt disappointment, yes, but that wasn’t all.
I also felt like you were slipping through my fingers.
Like I wasn’t holding on to you tight enough.
Like you were submitting yourself to an endless doom, that one day would end you,
And I just couldn’t stop you.
You were fading with every light up.
You said you stopped, and I believed you.
But then things went wrong.
I wasn’t there to hold on to you.
I wasn’t there to help you calm down.
It took me a while to see them again,
But eventually your hiding tactics failed.
They got flimsy and careless.
And all I can think about now
Is how one day I’ll be looking at the proof.
One day you’ll be lying in hospital bed
Living as lifeless as you’ve always looked.

day by day enduring mental and physical pain
what does it feel like to lose yourself?
what does it feel like to lose your mind?
feeling breathless and not able to think straight
hyperventilate and feeling pain in your chest
your heart starts to feel pain as well
worried that you won't be able to carry on
even for days to come

From the moment
You came to talk,
My hands perched upon my waist
And they refused to move,

The air became denser,
Stifled my breathing,
The universe narrowed.
Some moments swell in time.

Thoughts that lay on the ground
All jumped up at once,
Flew to the eye of the needle
And all tried at once to fit through.

Eyes flutter,
Looked to glitter
With the light dispersed,
Magic burst.

I can barely move.

My words are dumb!
They aren't clever,
Not chosen,
Words that constitute a conversation.

My chest,
Frozen in time.
I do my best
To untense.

The man of apathy!
Conscious of every second,
Every eye flicker,
My arms of cement.

I must blush!
She must know,
I try to hard to settle
And not show

That the flaking debris
Of my faded countenance
All rallies,
Pretends to be a person.

But it hasn't adopted
That mould in a long time.
The picture is fragmented
And it takes a lot to stay together...

Just so she won't see
The running colours
Inside of me.
I am sorry there isn't more.