i saw in the mirror, a reflection of mine
the wallflower that fade and shine
standing atop in the war against my fears
demolished the walls, became a people pleasure
made friends that spew out poison
nothing good came from letting pretenders into my life
took off that mask and enjoyed my own company
now I have someone, a true friend of mine

I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared I'll never be loved,
I'm scared I'll never be held,
I'm scared I'll never be wanted.

I don't know how to change this.
I'm not one of feelings,
I can't express them.

I'm scared my thoughts will push you away
I'm scared my bones won't hold me straight
I'm scared I'll never find a way to
be loved.

"Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
is something like Chandler would say
But what if I can't even make my own
defense mechanism protect me?
What if you don't like my jokes;
the only thing that might be good in me?
But that's not even the problem, is it?
I can't even find strengths to tell'em out loud
I can't even let you decide if you'll laugh or leave
I can't even

I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared that no one will ever know me,
will never want to know me
I'm scared I'll never find the words to fool you,
to make you think I might be interesting
I'm scared no one will ever think I'm worthed
of spending their whole life with
Why would they?
I'm just a quiet dull girl

I'm scared, okay?
Because
I love myself, okay?
I do.
I'm scared I won't ever find anyone else
that will love me as much as I do
I'm scared that's all that's left for me
Keep being one thing only:
unlovable
as I've always been

I was reminded
About a distant memory
And realized
One vital thing
After growing up

As I felt the room
Grew silence
For my overbearing energy
That being righteously
In spotlight
Doesn't all mean extroversion.

All along,

It meant more
And it is all what I lack
And it is all that I have
To wake up
And stop getting wistful
Believing I am more than
A wallflower.

lovely wallflower
what you see is what you get
~ sheer simplicity






Mark Toney ©️ 2021

why do i always fall for the ones
that are unable to talk about their feelings
and get close without getting close to people
the ones with fires in their mouths
and ash in their eyes

maybe i have a passion for self destruction
by someone else's hand
or maybe i just have a kink for
people who empty me out
people who i empty myself out for

you didn't love me and i accepted it
because that's what i deserved
she doesn't love me either
but i don't want to accept it

because somehow by not loving me
you taught me that i deserve love

Flash of a camera goes off and I rush into the shadows, because the picture will look all wrong if I am in it.
Conversations circle my head aimlessly, all connected by a single thread that has slipped from my grasp.
A game of cards that I watch from the sidelines.
Memories are made in front of me and I cannot have a slice of them—they are not mine.
I was there, but they are not mine.
Because you smile when I wave
and I laugh at jokes that I don’t fully understand
and we complain, compliment, communicate,
but you are a stranger to me.
I am a stranger to you.
You, polished jade stone in vicious waters,
yet the waves yield to you
and your iridescence
and all of your beautiful stone companions. I am a pebble who gets caught
in the tide, too desolate to swim back to shore, too afraid to join you in the deep.
I cannot stop fighting the current.
There is no hope for me if I do,
for I will sink, settle on the sandy floor with my back arched and my hands shaking
and join my fellow forsaken, solidified into a gritty brick of aching bones and broken spirits.
I will no longer be your burden. I will be something you do not bother to look at twice.
You will float above me with nothing to haunt you.
But even as I am fighting the current all my life
I am still dissolving
bit by bit.
As though I am destined to fade away no matter how hard I try to stay.

The flowers of Anhedonia grows upon me,
Its roots engulf my whole being.
Serendipity long lost, Only the remains of this wintercearig feeling inside this small yet feeble vessel.
I don't know what to do or what to say; maybe to fill up that satisfaction I crave.
Mind slowly turning insane,
I keep things to myself, and that's all that I can say.
All the florets blossom in the longing shade;
of darkness that might never fade,

Anhedonia.

People asked.
"Why are you crying?"

The wallflower sobs.

People said.
"Crying would not help at all, pull yourself together. "

The wallflower sobs.

People left.
Stepping the wallflower.

The wallflower answered.
I want to be better but I kept failing.

The wallflower sobs again.

I’m merely a wallflower
Deprived of sunlight
Breathing the same air
In the same room
longing to belong somewhere
Anywhere but here

What’s the point in pulling me from my roots
When they’re buried too deep
And are far too frail
For only I can aid my bloom

You told me to get some rest
I promised you.
But I can’t sleep whilst I'm afraid to exist
Dreams just give me false hope
But please don't let me sit through this winter alone

And at the end of the night
As you held the weight of my body
You asked me,
Is it repetitive? How you live?
And you watched
as the timid flower shrived in your hands

There's a quiet girl
Living in a noisy world
You might think she's cold
But she just want to be alone

She's always silent,
and always thinking
Her mind is so loud
it always screaming

She wants to be heard
But don't wanna bother anyone
She's just a simple girl
But she's no ordinary  woman

She's always on her own bubble
To prevent anyone to come through
If she feels like she wants to talk
She'll go outside just to be with you.