I wish it wasn’t so hard to say “I don’t know”
to enter the cloud of unknowing
to be wrapped in solitude
and float there
free of activity
and self.

He was mad again.
I could hear it in the way he answered the phone with a stern "Hello."
I didn't understand
"What did I do?"
"It's fine," he repeated over and over
Yet, it was not fine.
As the call ended and my cheeks continued to stain with dry tears just like every time before.
I never understood
It felt like I was drowning
Like I had dug my own emotional grave and didn't notice it was already seven feet deep.
yet, he said he loves me...

Is this love?

Yet, you don't tell me you love me
But, it feels like you love me more than he ever will
Yet I stayed with the other
Even though he makes me cry
Even though there are nights I cannot recall and bruises that seem to stay even after they have faded away
Maybe I told you that I loved him because it was easier than admitting I was scared
Maybe I told you I loved him because it was easier than asking for help
Maybe I told you I loved him because it was true...
...but deep down we both knew.

I so often
Convince my thoughts
That I lose my soul
Among the unknowing
And empty, drifting space
Of whatever it means
To be alive
Because I like the
"Adventure" of it,

But only here,
In the murmuring
Hum of a bedside
Lamp glowing against
The ache of
So-late-it's-early,

Only now,
From behind the safety of
My flimsy bedsheets
Covered in lint
Will I admit

I don't know what I'm doing.

And I'm t͢e͢r͢r͢i͢f͢i͢e͢d͢
     I'm doing it all wrong.

i've never been one to have the desire to always live in a small town
to know the story of everyone
and to have the map of the town tattooed to my palm
i've always liked the idea of unknowing
to not always know what's two streets away
to not know everyone in the city
and i've always enjoyed the beauty of it all
in a small town you will run out of views and sights eventually
but in a city, they are infinite
when its constantly changing you can see everything newly
new lights, new faces, new buildings, new streets
change to some can be intimidating
but change to me is something of beauty
and to prefer that over similarity is not wrong of me

I've always had the urge to live somewhere bigger than me
something larger than life i suppose
and It's the night that has shown me this
Once the streetlights turned on and we roamed the streets
I fell in love
Small towns only hard stars and similar roads
The cities held more to me
Was it wrong to fall in love with streetlights?

You look me in the eye, and slowly turn the knife,
And im sure you have the best intentions to antagonize my life,
You throw the knife and use your hand terror in your eyes,
For you cant see your tries to help, is what makes me want to die

It's a swift and rapid river.
The current is too strong to fight.
So you give up and let it pull you in.

At first it's terrifying,
Guiding you on a uncharted path.
But then this rush over comes you
Bliss, surpasses the fear of unknowing.

Through the twist and bows of the current
You embrace diversity till it happens.
The waterfall.

Do you fight this unnerving battle?
Escape before the plummet capsizes you?
Or close your eyes and ride out this heartbreak?

All bottled up
   Like a little secret message

Then placed to float in
  mother natures shifting motion

To finally arrive
   In the still waters of all bottled hauntings