I’m wondering in the dark
Trying to find the light
Stuck in the lost
Where there’s no sky
Not a glimmer of hope
On where to find myself

Nothing will come from this
You say on our bed
Nothing will come from this
I repeat to your head

Dreams mean nothing to me
You say at the table
Dreams mean nothing to me
I repeat as I am able

We’ll all be nothing
You say as we stargaze
We’ll all be nothing
I repeat in a daze

You cover my face
You cover my eyes
You filter my mouth
Now all I tell are lies

I Found Myself
Deep In the woods behind the house
I found me
Lost in space because of all the gravity
I found I
Bleeding on the floor about to die

Can I be alive again
She asked her reflection
Can I go to heaven
She asked the one considered golden
Can I move on
She asked again
And she kept asking questions

My biggest flaw is my impatience,
my inability to ignore temptations...

I always skip ahead,
which "defeats the point" you said,

"Curiosity killed the cat,"
you warned me too,
But... "Satisfaction bought it back,"
is the ending that I always knew

I cannot resist that euphoria,
from the last page of our story, a-

-book of two strangers
battling imagined dangers

If only I was less enticed by,
abundant sweet nothings, oh my..

In hindsight, I should have listened,
ignored the false sense of bliss and,

carried on without spoilers, for..
the journey would mean much more,

than this epilogue which left me reeling,
from emotions only I am feeling

But still, I refuse to accept,
that this chapter in which we met,

is somehow more meaningful,
as a tragedy, ending this.. uncheerful..

It cannot all be for nothing,
the moral of the story...
must be something..

Hidden, subconscious but still, remaining,
Please, I beg, tell me you are feigning-

-this abrupt conclusion,
this cold, harsh illusion..

What remains is..

a thousand questions that cannot be put to rest,
awakened in the presence of your disinterest

I'm left in this state of transcendence-

-into disarray, from the broken final...

Sentence

Lying on my couch;
Lying to myself.
Claiming I will work;
Knowing I will not.

Hiding from the world;
Leaving friends alone.
Hating what I do,
Letting my life rot.

When will I decide,
To face life again?
When no dish is clean?
When all food is gone?

I wish, that I had,
Motivation, an
All-consuming force,
Inspiring action.

But, alas, just me.
Too lazy to work,
Too tired to sleep,
Just dissatisfied.

Days of angst
Pursue me through
Awkward moments galore,
The hangover to my prior life.
Middle school bells ring
In the corridors of my mind,
Harkening back to a time
When sharpened pencils were More important than rent.
High school bells bring me
A cold comfort I can't explain,
I guess not enough time
Has passed for me to smile.
If only these tears
Could be wiped from my face
Without the slow hand of time
Quelling my soul's embrace.
Perhaps I'd smile with heart.

Sometimes I lie
When people ask me those questions
Like “who inspires you the most”
Or “what is the most influential thing to have happened in your life”
Sometimes I talk about
Women in science
Or growing up adopted
Or being a struggling reader when I was in third grade
I never talk about my mom
I never talk about feeling like I had missing pieces
Not just in my heart but in my mind
Like someone pulled out the naughty things
The bad things
Leaving me with only leftovers.  
When people ask me for my best story
Sometimes I talk about how
I faked a peanut allergy
And how a boy stabbed me with an epipen when I ate a peanut butter malt in front of him
Thinking he was saving my life.
I usually avoid the part
About me wishing that those drugs were lethal
That an epipen could end it all.
I find small talk to be so hard
Because there aren’t enough good bits inside me
To make it through a conversation.
If you see me
Can you just do that thing
Where we make eye contact and nod slightly
Smiling sometimes and not stopping.
I don’t have anything
Truthful left to say.

Today there are no certainties
From the day my mom gave birth to me
As a child so young and free
I never knew what life held for me

As the days turn into years
My innocents turned into fears
I found that life was full of pain
And hurt and suffering all the same

I tried and tried to find my way
But misery was there to stay
The things of love and happiness
My dad told me would be a bliss

But years have slowly passed me buy
And the things I’ve lost just makes me cry
I think of all the lonely nights
And all the ugly violent fights

The many nights I cried in pain
For tomorrow it would be the same
The screaming shouting, ugly words
You’ll never know how much it hurts

The day we meet
I’ll never forget
Your gentle words and loving ways
How I pray there where there to stay

To calm my fears
And wipe my tears
To show me love
For all the years

But sadly as the months went by
I realized it’s all a lie
The happy home and tenderness
The sweet caress and gentleness

I sit and wonder what went wrong
It hasn't been that very long
Since the day I said good bye
And realized it was all a lie

How can someone so sweet and dear
Cause me so much pain and fear
You call and say you love me so
Do you really? I want to know

My heart was broken long ago
Can you remember you should know?
I turned around and left that day
And told myself it’s all okay

Three month later who should call
It was you in pieces, I took the fall
You were so down and miserable
And said you loved me most of all

Because I gave my heart to you
And it was a love so dear and true
So once again I took you back
Cause strength and pride I sure did lack

It wasn't long until again
Fighting, screaming lots of pain
Now it’s many years gone bye
And once again i say goodbye

But still you call me all the time
And say you love me more each time
How did it go so very wrong?
How did we miss it all along?

Why could we not find piece my dear?
Why did you listen but never hear?
But sadly now I have to say
I cannot take another day

Of broken dreams and a broken heart
And lonely nights we sleep apart
As I sit here thinking back
It was my dignity that I lacked

I love you to
If you only knew
But now it’s over I have to say
But you’ll go on and be okay