there's something a little bit heartbreaking about
never have been desired before.
does my skin repulse you,
is it the nose, the roundness of my cheeks,
the shaved hair, the hairy legs, the colors i'm proud to bear,
or is it the way i can't be held in a cage.
i am queer.
why is loving me a rebel act ?

Who knew a gift of birth could cause such pain

That a name could make tears fall like rain

Who could have foreseen such destruction

Caused by a word used for introduction

They created a kind little girl

Ended up with an angry alien in the world

Every time I hear that name all I feel is shame

They say it to mock me it seems

When it’s heard, I rip at the seams

For I am not what I was meant to be

I am not her and she was never me.

my skin is howling  
my tears descend
the pain is somehow still caged

my throat swells
my jaw tightens
the hurt must stay within

its more painful than anything I’ve ever felt
like a pack of wolves tearing my heart out
the pain is eating me

eating more than I ate for the years my dysphoria got me to starve myself

i can’t hide anymore
tear me open if you must
but tear me open in the right places

You used to go by another name
AMELIA
Now you're somebody new, and your name is
NIKOLAI

When i was with you
My heart was at W.   A.    R.  
Questions and screams and bloodshed
Now you have my friend
I just hope you treat him right
You made out with him in the park
But did you really feel?
He doesnt deserve
To feel what i felt
When you had my heartstrings in your hands

Sometimes I forget what it's like,
to not feel so alone.
To have someone in my life,
I could call my own.

I remember what it was like,
before everything was so complicated.
Where I knew where I stood,
and how I could be satiated.

But I don't know anymore,
my gender is a **** fest.
I could like someone,
but I couldn't give them my best.

So I put distance,
between myself and others.
I can't trust my dad,
to see me as anything but one of the brothers.

I did everything I could,
to get away from my ****.
Who knew the snake would find me,
or that I would get bit.

So now I cry,
on a hard hospital bed.
And wonder if it's not worth,
putting some lead in my head.

What can I do
If my birthday suit
Is inside out and backwards?

What can I say
If every day
I'm forced to be an actor?

Why should I be
Where they'd rather see
Me hanging from a rafter?

How can I live
And just forgive
The ones who call me *******?

Am I preordained
To wear this chain
Keep living like a captor?

Where should I flee
If all I see
Is one endless tragic chapter?

one that is not my own
one a skin I no longer fit
one all my own but older
one new and fresh faced
one that no one ever knows
a list so long I could never find me
a list of them extending beyond all

awkward questions, awkward stares
told that i'm putting on airs
written out of all the prayers
i don't fit into the squares

i hate pedophiles. i don't care what you want to deem yourself as, if you're attracted to a minor of any sort, you're a ******* ****. you always will be. don't even try to change it. you're hurting literal children. doesn't even matter if they're a teenager. neither does gender. you are traumatizing a literal child. they'll look back on you and think, "wow. that really changed me, and for the worst."

if you get off to ****, you're an awful human being. you are literal ****. you like to watch people be hurt like that? maybe it takes an experience like that to change your views. maybe it takes actually being ***** to understand. it changes you forever and leaves so much pain. mentally and physically. the damage cannot be undone, no matter how long it is after. you think i ENJOYED being ignored when i said no? you think ****** assault is just a cute little fetish? *******. do whatever it takes to never speak to any victims. you'll probably ******* to it later.

when someone tells you their pronouns, do the world a favor and RESPECT that. if this person is trans, don't call them by their dead name. don't call them the opposite pronouns of what they want to be called. it's awful. gender dysphoria eats me alive every ******* day, and you can't take time to even think about how that weighs me down? i want to **** myself on a regular basis because i just don't feel right anymore. my binder doesn't even help sometimes. i look at myself and i know i'm just wrong. wrong body. wrong EVERYTHING. i don't like getting made fun of. being trans/non-binary/whatever you are isn't some cute little trend or a choice.

stop fetishizing trans men. and trans women too! trans MEN (key word, MEN) aren't some cute little uwu soft boys. we aren't something you can just play with. trans women aren't "sissies" and most certainly are not trans just for your pleasure. as a trans man, i know how it feels to be fetishized. i am a man.
you can't just make someone "not trans". calling them their dead name/dead pronouns to change anything. nothing will change the absolute torment they experience on a daily basis. as bad as it sounds, we can't help but suffer. gender dysphoria is a curse. understand that.

i'm 15. i'm a trans male. i'm not your toy.