I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text

Because I'm

Stressed

Because I'm

Depressed

Because I'm

Weak

Because I'm

Making up excuses for why I keep

Killing myself

It feels like I’m stuck in an elevator. Neither going up nor going down. Stuck in the middle. Stuck in between floors. Stuck between levels. Not going anywhere. Just stuck there. Not moving forward. Not going back. Just stuck. I keep pressing the alarm button but no one hears. I’m alone here. Why is no one around? I’m getting claustrophobic. I’m banging the doors. No one is here. I wish I could get out. I wish I could go up. If not up then at least down. I just wish to go somewhere. I just wish to do something. But the doors won’t budge; the doors won’t open. Why won’t they open? Why won’t the elevator move?
I’m stuck in an elevator. In between levels. Levels being the stages of my life and the elevator, me.
And me being stuck here as I wish to move but I can’t. I’m just stuck not moving anywhere. I hope I move. I hope I go up. I hope I’m not stuck anymore in the elevator of life.

POUND, POUND, POUND
my head is killing me
looking at anything hurts
it's like if someone took a knife and
STAB, STAB, STAB
I don't know why it hurts so bad
my eyes overflow with tears
it's a migraine
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
there's my heartbeat
it makes my head hurt worse
please stop
THRUM, THRUM, THRUM
I just want to sleep but I can't
medicine not helping
what am I supposed to do?
POUND, POUND, POUND

its hard to write when your mind is empty,
like your brain can't put together the words right.
every time i glance at the blank page
i catch my breath,
and my eyes trail in and out of focus.
i don't know if it's out of frustration,
or whatever else,
but its like my head sinks below the water for a minute,
whenever i pick up a pen.
writing shouldn't feel like drowning, yea?
so why does it feel like drowning?

its hard to write when your hand isn't steady,
like its trying to run away from the words.
an unsteady hand is the enemy of poetry,
so i guess i can say that,
when people ask me
why i can't do the things i love anymore.
why my days are spent inside,
shades drawn.
maybe i can say that i can't see the notebook,
that's why i haven't been writing.

what i don't say
is that i don't
want
to see it.

these days, words weigh on my mind like cement.

sometimes
my life feels like
it is reduced to the sum
of the plates i'm spinning.