People always tell me that everything is temporary like how your friends in high school are only temporary till you go off to college. Well you see thats what my happiness is like. You see my happiness and depression are total opposites.when I’m happy I’m floating above the clouds care free like peter pan and my depression is like iv been tossed with rocks into the ocean sinking to the bottom and no matter how hard I try to swim to the surface i can never make it.

It binds me each morning to my bed cause it is so heavy that i can barely life the sheets and some days i cant make it out to go to school.See when this all began i just thought I was some weird 15 year old who was different or special but a part of me never felt comfortable in my skin. You see I thought i wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t perfect so i decided to carve my self into someone new. tearing away at the skin ripping away the old and sewing it back together to make my self into someone who was good enough.

At the age of 16 I made a friend her name was loneliness and she kept me company. Sometimes she speaks ,but she is not very audible. Her voice sometimes sounds like the floorboards in my house creaking. She wraps me up in her cold in brace comforting me and making me forget what warmth was like.She taught me how to build 100ft walls that were impenetrable so no one could get in to see the broken boy.

At the age of 17  when people asked me “what do you see yourself doing in 10 years time” and honestly I never even thought that I would make it past age 15. I saw my self with slit wrist in a body bag having some ****** funeral service where people all whisper lies over my dead body like” I wish I got to know him better”

Now at 18 with faded scars and distance memories I still struggle to pull my self out of bed but I have finally understood why the feeling of having that tattoo needle pressed up against my skin felt so good. I can finally see the future and its coming home war. Its just over the horizon I know because in it I’m alive.

There is a pain inside my chest
It slowly unfurls
To show its hideous face
And yet its not hideous
It terrifies me
Because its no manifestation of a physical condition
It is the child of the small imbalances triggered by the moving of a thousand suns and their descendants
In mysterious ways

There is a pain inside my chest tonight and I cannot tell you how much it hurts to have not felt this before
To see and think and feel the way a hundred thousand have done before and I'm going insane
Stuck in this battle inside my head
Roars of machinations faraway and souls so close to my own it terrifies me

There is a pain inside my chest
It wants me to live again
A demonic beast
With a distilled heart of magnificent proportions demands action
And it lives inside all of us
We simply learn to live with it, like some lifelong pain of heartbreak or the smell of flowers you liked or the the warmth of the sun upon your skin after a long winter night or

The smile on a face so akin to mine
I'm looking for definitions but I'm out of words now
I need a gun and bam
Shoot myself where it hurts the most
But I won't
The pain inside my chest is a story
Of a thousand years
Of pain
Of suffering
Of loss
And the slight cracks from where light escapes and flirts with the darkness
And the life that emerges out of nowhere to defy all
To defy even god
The pain inside my chest is the same as the one inside yours
Veiled by a smile
Or thoughts
Unavoidable disasters
Manifesting its own life, its sorrows and tears
Its own joy, its own love and its own sun

There is a pain inside my chest
Guess this is what it means to be human

So…***.

I don't have it. People never seem entirely surprised by this, I don't know.
Maybe my tell is my general blushy-ness around any and all cute humans, or maybe it's the way I yelp when they hug me too hard…

But it's not for lack of trying.

You see,
I am an extremely intimate person until my skin gets involved.
Then I'm all turtles' shells and touch-me-nots, shrink away, shrink away, hide, be small, be tame, be timid.
Or else like a wild animal - claws sharp, bite back, all fight and flight and defense.

I don't have *** - *** has me. Caught by the throat, a deer in headlights, no way to get away, stuck.

Stuck in his basement, seven years old.
The magician next door tricked me and changed my meaning of the word magic forever.
Never again would I put my faith in illusions.

But now, there's this girl, and she is so beautiful -
When I look at her, I can't see straight.
But she is no illusion.

She tells me she wants to help me carry my baggage,
But I don't want to tell her my baggage is a body bag
And it's me inside-
Choking for air,
And I wish it was because she takes my breath away, but it's not.

But sometimes, she does take my breath away.
And when she does, I want to tell her
Everything.

I want to tell her that if she holds me
Close enough,
Long enough,
I won't dare shrink away.

I will grow into her until we are bursting together,
Until we are bold,
We are soft,
We are free,
We are
Everything-

I never imagined I could be
with another person.
So close,
together,
We could be more than magic.

As you sang the drumbeat of my heart at the same time you skipped a beat.

First time I saw you, I knew you would be the rainbow to all my rainy days making every single sad emotion become colorful.

Your smile brings out all the happiness I need, because to me it’s just as valuable as a *** of gold.

A *** of gold can’t keep my heart warm at night when the word divorce slips through my parents lips so many times it becomes the only thing that stutters over and over again in my body.

Your eyes of enlightenment show me the true beauty of this world and if I could, I would study them until I could see every memory I left in the backside of your brain that is filled with cobwebs that read the lost years

I think we were being controlled by puppeteers, a string made up trust tied to our the edge of our lips so that way when we talked we were Always being honest.

But when our lips did touch, I watched sparks of commitment fly around your head like fireflies at midnight in the woods in the middle of the summer.

The Time my life became a downward roller coaster I wanted to put gun to my chest and pull the trigger you were my bulletproof vest, you protected me from almost everything.

For some reason I know your hair isn’t made of cotton candy because it never made a mess when I stroked my fingers through your anti-Snow colored locks

I want you to be the last thing I lay my eyes on before I go to sleep that way no nightmares can come through to my dreamworld because you’ll be there to fight them all off. And don’t be creeped out if I follow you for a little bit, My mom just told me to follow my dreams.

When your heart is broken, I will tie a cast around it and sign it enough times until you realize your true beauty is seen from the inside too.

If your eyes were the ocean I’d be lost at sea every time I get on a love boat, with your help I could probably find my way back home cause you’d be the lighthouse to direct me to safety.

I might be a broken record telling you this but you are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
If I keep repeating myself the word will never change, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
You can’t replace words that broken records skip over.

If I wrote everything I love about you, It would become a novel, I would make it a paperback that way every time I read it to myself, the spine would be curled to make a perfect circle, I would re-read all my favorite pages

I want to stimulate your senses when you read my lips knowing exactly what I’m saying before my lips even start the motion.

(Motion lips to make people lip read: I Love you).

Every time you told me to talk *****, I said I forgot to put on deodorant today.

We weaved our feelings together to make a basket made of love. When E.T. comes you can ride the bike that makes a silhouette with the moon and I can sit in the basket and point the direction of where I want us to call Home…. Home..

But now every time I’m around you, I bet you can still hear my heart skipping beats through your eardrums.

You must be the coolest kid in school,
A common sense level of 102 out of 100,
Clearly you know it’s not their fault for clustering words together like peanut butter is stuck in the back of their throats.
Your parents must find you the nicest kid in the world, as long as you are the only person they know.
If you treat them like a 5 year old,
They might still watch spongebob,
But not because it’s the greatest show on T.V. history,
But because they want to bring back their childhood before they got picked on.
Getting picked on for having a brain that works like a factory without an assembly line.
For caring more about everyone around them to feel like their normal,
when in reality,
No one is normal.
You make them fill up water bottles for star players but if you look deeper in the lineup,
they’re the real MVP’s
I know you cant stand going social Suicide for a day by sitting with them even though, they would give you a ribcage and a Heart beat if your chest ever gets attacked by emotion..
If god did create this world he obviously had some kind of disorder,
why else would he randomly choose the colors Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet, And purple to create a rainbow. Because he wanted to show people with disorders have beauty on the inside too..

If some dreams actually do come true, I hope the Nightmare I had the other night about everyone going back to their normal lives and not being affected by this is, just my imagination going crazy.
We should all be able to look in the mirror and not pity ourselves for how we look or act or even how our mind functions because there is a never ending chain of someone having it worse, you just need to get the telescope out and find it, like a twinkling star that shines the brightest in all others hearts.

Goodnight pumpkin, I luv you. L-U-V U.
Dear mom,
Nothing ****** me off more than misspelling the word Love.
If you’re not willing to put two seconds into a text or even a letter
to spell it correctly, then you need a ******* dictionary.
The only time you looked into a dictionary was to find words big enough so they could fit through ears but not into my brain making it easier for lies to flow out of your mouth like it is second nature.
The only truth that ever spit out of your mouth like lemon juice, was when you told us, not all lives have happy endings.
But when you were still here, and I was only eight,
you let me watch disney movies so I could learn my own fate.
One of the movies taught me that if I said Ohana means family,
that you’d respond with,
family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten
But you left your kids to pursue Your happiness,
Now every time you leave to Pennsylvania another memory of us flies away from the airport you call a body just like the planes you get on,
Your lies create a tornado that destroys everything in it’s path,
and my life is a flat ground so this spiral of emotions won’t stop until you do.
You circled your yin-yang arms around me for the first time in the hospital, that was the same night people in white coats handed you a certificate with my name written on it, Now anytime my name is brought up in a subject you pull your hoodie over your head as a sign of embarrassment.
I want you to feel the pain you have been giving me for the last 2
years when you hear this poem.

I want you to realize that you’re the reason my feelings are
scribbled down to make a mess out on paper.

Every night I make a new river with my tears and when I realize you are
lying to me, it makes waves of depression
and those waves, are created by earthquakes of anger.
These waves are strong enough to break through any hoover dam
made up of antidepressants and pills that will only make me what
you want me to be which is “normal”?
If you tell someone you love them at least have the audacity to
mean it.
Be a the definition of a mom and care about us and our
feelings, and not just your own.
Mom, I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
Ohana means Family, but no one said family would last forever. But
you always will last forever, in my heart

My body is like a destroyed DVD,
Scratched up from all the lies and pain brought by two humans I’ve trusted for the last 14 years.

Like a deep scarred disc,
My life stops, (Pause)
sk-k-kips (act like i’m stuttering) over the years I call scenes, I want to forget.

As time ticks by,
more scenes from my life are erased from sharp things like knives and lies.

scene 1: Daddy quits drinking, mommy starts smoking again.

scene 2: We move to Maine to be close to grampy and grammy, they said maybe they can help mommy slow down the amount of gray clouds released from her mouth.

scene 3: Mommy and daddy kiss each other like the people in the movies, its kinda gross

scene 4: We move again cause daddy says his hands make holes in the walls bigger than elephants. and I know that is big.

scene 5: I start Kindergarten, daddy is holding my hand tighter than a gorilla. it sort of hurts but I won’t say anything.

scene 6: I call my teacher mom, maybe cause mrs.roberts has asked me more questions about how my day than the person that used to make supper for us.

scene 7: Mommy starts swallowing these ovally things so she can feel better and not yell at daddy anymore

scene 8: I have to start taking the pills with mommy cause apparently being myself isn’t good enough for her.
[Pause again]
scene 9: mommy is pulling more cigarettes out of the white box than I can even count

scene 9: my daddy wakes me up with bottles that are brown and shaped like the ones on t.v. breaking on the floor cause he isn’t supposed to be drinking that kind of “juice”

scene 10: My mom says she is going away for a while but never says when she’ll be back.

Scene 10: I’m not inhaling the black smoke she blew in my face filled with elements that I discovered called Lies and pain.

Scene 11: Mom comes back like winter, cold hearted and only for a few months

[Pause for audience]

scene 12: Dad locks Mom and I out of the house

scene 12: Mom leaves me at the house so I have to sleep outside

scene 12: Mom is moving 5 states south, the same direction my life is going.

(Slow down)
Scene 15: I get caught finding a way to release all the pain onto my wrists with knives cause my dad is using the same knives to open bottles like a sailor.

Scene 15: I haven’t seen mom in 3 years

Scene 15: I blame myself for dad drinking again

Scene 16: Mom says she loves her boyfriend more than her own 3 children

scene 16: My 12 year old brother is told to **** himself

scene 16: nobody cares

Scene 16: (Slow down) My dad asks why I want to skip over the scenes 13-14
[pause]
“Dad life is to short to reminisce all the bad things.”
Even now I still make scars on the left side of my brain as if I’m going back in time from the Iphone 6 to the 1st Iphone getting thicker and thicker

Scene 16: My dad pays for pills that try to fade the scars on my dvd.

When I was ten,
I had the tendency to raise my voice
A little too high;
I was afraid that if I didn’t,
Nobody would be bothered to listen to what I had to say.
But I was always silenced with a simple:
“Mind your indoor voice,”
Because my indoor voice was more easily ignored.

When I was thirteen,
I knew of a girl whose wrists were so eloquently lined with poetry
Because she didn’t dare make a sound,
But you see,
There was nothing beautiful about the verses
Written with the ink pouring from her veins.

When I was sixteen,
I came across a boy left sobbing
Because his sister dreamed of being as light as
The oxygen that no longer fills her lungs.
Tell me you could hear what you told her not to say.

When I was seventeen
My best friend fell in love
For the last time.
He could feel his heart climbing out of his chest,
And in foreign scroll it bore the name of a man;
For this he wanted to die.
Since when did falling in love become a ***** word?
I know you said to use my indoor voice but
Can you hear me now?

When I was eighteen
I learned that etiquette won’t banish the empty
Promises of a society
That doesn’t want to hear what I have to say;
A society that doesn’t want to hear the stories of the souls
They banished from their memories
Hiding behind the claims that there was nothing that could have been done
To save them.

No.
I will no longer use my “indoor voice.”
I will not quiet myself because you are afraid of the words I have spoken.
Even after my voice is confined to a hoarse whisper,
I will make you listen to the consequences of what you’ve chosen to ignore.
See, you’ve taken our bodies and turned them into time bombs,
And we shouldn’t be the only ones forced to listen as they scream:
Three. He told you that he couldn’t breathe,
And you said it was because he never even tried.
Two. It’s getting harder to breathe.
Can you hear me?
One. I promise,
I tried.