My wrists hurt, my hands are numb
I look down reaching for my suffering
I examine, looking at each carefully
Feeling it's pain with my other hand
I search for the ropes that tie them
Nothing exists
The skin tingles and pulsates beneath my fingertips
How can this feel so real?

Screaming and choking
I search my neck
Pulling  and tugging at it
I need to release his hands that are killing me
I search
Nothing exists
His grip so tight around me..
How can this feel so real?

I lay curled up on the floor, gasping for air
Crying uncontrollably, unable to move
I am being torn in two
Its an invisible ****.
I am alone, I am safe
Yet...I feel so small and defenseless
His weight crushes me, I cannot breathe
He isn't here
He doesn't exist anymore
My body is shattered into a million pieces
How can this feel so real?

I lay motionless
The world spins around me.
I am dead now
There is no pain where the dead reside.
There they have butterflies, rainbows and laughter.
I want to join them. I run to the dead ones.
They welcome me with open arms
I let go
This doesn't exist
My body is not ruined and broken anymore

I wake up

All I see is red
So angry
So hurt
Sitting here
Cutting
Letting the blood flow
Releases some of my hurt.

****** mess
What happens
When I get carried away
The blade has a mind of its own
One cut turns into twenty.

I need to
Make that final cut
The one that brings sweet relief
Ends the anger and hurt.

i am picking at scabs
i am making new scars

with each scab  
a heartache remembered

with each slice of the blade
a new hurt becomes a new scab
soon becoming a new scar

covered with scars
so much hurt
so many tears

would love to cut
a little deeper

let's end this
tonight

I am hurting
Deep in my soul

Pain
Tortured
Memories

Make it stop!
How do I make it stop?

Flashbacks
Tormented
Relentless

I am hurting
Deep in my soul!

I keep messing up with my reactions to things.
I have a tendency to process my emotions in an unhealthy way.
I am either exploding with angry words
Or stuffing it down while saying, “I’m fine”.
Over and over are failed attempts and many cries of frustration.
Am I ever going to be able to change?
Is it even possible?

I feel that I will never be able to react properly.
Real change is beyond me.

I am messing up...Again!

Over
Done
Finished
Broken skin
Addicted to the
Pull of the blade against my skin

Bright red
Blood
Runs in streamlets
****** arms
****** body parts
Blood pools on the floor

I cannot stop
Need to feel
Require the pain

Beautiful scabs
Turn to tiny white scars.

Do you hear my cry?
Do you see my tears?

Am I truly invisible?

I am begging, pleading.
Please stop ignoring me.
Please notice me here.

I need you to see me.
I need you to hear me.

I am asking in the only way I know
For your help, your advice, your guidance.
Please recognize what I need.
You may be my last hope,
My last chance.

Your words say that you hear me
Your words say that you see me
You state you see more than I see in me

However, your actions tell a different story.
I am pleading....

HELP

Help me to become the woman you see.
Put me on the path to better.
Show me how to make the change.

HELP

If you turn away now
I may be gone
Silently slip away into forever.

Do you hear my cry?
Do you see my tears?

I need you to see me.
I need you to hear me.