My roommate gets mad
furious even
because I tend to use
all the hot water.
When I take a shower
or just
wash my hands,
I turn the water to boiling hot.
I let it roll down my skin
and singe my scalp.
I used to be a person
who hated being hot.
I'd take cold or even
lukewarm showers.
It wasn't until I realized
I no longer felt anything
that I needed the water.
I needed the burns,
I needed the pressure.
Have you ever felt so empty
that you'd rather feel pain?

I do.

(shhh dear skin you're
safe and smooth now)

cornstarch feet
toothpaste running
through my hair
listen to the vinegar hiss

(shhh dear skin you're
safe and smooth now)

petroleum based
insecurity wrapped in
a greasy old bandanna
the stuff of family feuds

(shhh dear skin you're
safe and smooth now)

i know that i often
feel about the size
of the proverbial
postage stamp

but every steamed up
monday night i try
to convince myself that
i'm safe in my own skin

(shhh dear skin you're
safe and sound now)*

go ahead
choke me
in your eyes
strangle me
tangled up in
unjust judgement

i'm always told
that i'm too
critical
but spend any time
under my nails
and you'll start
to realize why
i'm cynical.

(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist.)

intensely greased
plastic hair
secondhand green day
coldplay in the rain

i love the sound
that waxed paper
deli sheets make
and i could choke
on a glassed reflection
of celery salts and windex.

(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist
because when i look into
my eyes i see someone else)

i'm not catholic
and do not
understand who
st. peter is

but i wonder if he won't let
us into heaven because we're
failures or if we're failures
because he won't let us into heaven

(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist
and questioning how
bad hell can really be.)

too quiet for a saturday
i wrote the word
decaf so many times i
forgot how to spell it

decaf
decaf
decaf
decaf

(does decaf
have two f's?
because i don't have
two f's to give anymore
i mean i would but
i can't even find
vowels much less
extra consonants)

when i was a child
i always counted in
mississippis
now that i'm older i
find myself counting in
cappuccinos

i dreamed my
legs were bleeding
and i remembered
that they're not

i want so badly
just to sleep in
a bag of crystallized
ginger and swim
in a mixing bowl of
tasteless tea.

(i can't tell what's
real anymore
but i'm 42%
sure that i am not.)

the drizzle of sorrow
on a scarred heart
gathers in a series of puddle;
whereupon, the disdainful joy
often jumps, splashing
the drops of melancholy
all over.

distant thunder calling
mugginess in the air
late afternoon showers
welcomed
                   by
                        the thirsty flowers

The leaves are fresh after the rain,
The air is cool and clear,
The sun is shining warm again,
The sparrows hopping in the lane
Are brisk and full of cheer.

And that is why we dance and play,
And that is why we sing,
Calling out in voices gay,
We will not go to school to-day
Or learn anything:

It is a happy thing, I say,
To be alive on such a day.

James Stephens. 4/8/2016.

I was the kind of grime that made you hesitate before you put your foot into the shower
You watched the water hit against me as I refused to move.
You stepped into the shower, anyway
And I know you regretted it immediately because you ignored me
It was easier to pretend I didn't exist, pretend that I wasn't a mess that needed cleaning
When you would step out of the shower and the water threatened to suffocate me
I would drink it
I let it feed me and I grew stronger
You couldn't tell
But you stand in the same place every time you shower
And with each shower I grew closer and closer to you
I wondered why you never acknowledged how well I was doing

You were gone for some time each day.
I don't know where you went, but I heard your shiny black shoes against the bathroom tile as you brushed your teeth and hummed a song by the Killers

Somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend--
I loved hearing the music you made
You made me want to be more than what I was
I couldn't reach beyond the edges of the shower, for without water, I would be terribly dry and probably die.

I would entertain myself in the hours you were away. I counted the time it took for the water to dry. I would choose a droplet from the shower door and watch it race the others, hoping it would win. But my favorite time of day was that 15 minute shower. I lived for that, you know.

I tried to relay feelings I didn't know I had
For days
But you never said a word.
So I let you scrub me away
Out of your clean, white shower.

Cold, hot
On, off
The hellfire hits my back
Shimmering the way it does
It then turns to ice
So cold it feels hot
Too cold
I crank it back to hellfire
The give up
I can't seem to wash away
The pain of guilt
All the lies flowing
Running over my body,
Like the water I soak in
I step out, my body dripping
Then towel off
I'll try again tomorrow