--
Petrified.
Timid.
Vanished.
All at once.

The bad thoughts,
The what ifs—
They haunt.

Oh, she wonders—
How could she loves,
When she has not, yet, accepted herself?

Empty rooms and empty chairs,
No one present here nor there.
Week by week I stand alone,
And when it ends is still unknown.

I fill the emptiness with puzzles and games,
And try my hardest to not blame.
But every single time I've tried,
I feel a darkness grow inside.

I loathe for this, I loathe for that,
I loathe myself for being fat.
I loathe my feeling so many things
That aren't grounded realities.

Things like thinking I no longer look nice,
All because he's stopped telling me every night.
And things like he just doesnt love me as much,
That he'd rather be far away and such.

A part of me knows that these things aren't true,
And that thinking they are is a certain miscue.
But it's hard to look up when I'm all by myself,
So I hide all my worries on a deep mental shelf.

And there on my shelf shall all my fears stay,
As I make myself live each and every day.
I put on a smile and don't let anyone know,
That deep down inside, I truly feel low.

“I know when you’re sad,
I can tell when you’re happy,
And I know when something is wrong.”
She says

And I believed her

“Look at his arms,
You have to admit he’s hot,
His shirtless scene is my favourite.”
She says

And I stayed quiet

“You’re always so selfish,
Never do what I want,
You only think about whats best for you.”
She says

And I tried harder

“Lets watch this,
Look at this cool thing,
I swear I’m listening.”
She says

And I knew she wasn't

“I’ll go to bed early so I won’t nap,
I went to bed at 3am,
You’re just so comfy.”
She says

And I had 2 hours to my thoughts

“I hate my mom,
She never listens to me,
I’m just not gonna listen to her.”
She says

And I didn’t give my opinion

“Read my chapter.
Have you read my chapter?
I need validation.”
She says

And I could never bring myself to read it

“You’re not a real writer,
You write really good poetry,
It's too sad for me.”
She says

And I didn’t argue

“Are you tired?
You look tired.
You should get some rest.”
She says

And I wasn’t tired

I don't mean to hurt you with my words , they're not said with the intention to shatter.
You deserve someone that believes in you; who sees how beautiful you are
Who will put your needs before their fears.
You deserve more than excuses , abandoned dreams and missed opportunities.
You deserve more than the mediocrity  my comfort zone offends you with
You deserve someone who's drowned by lust at the mere sight of you
Not someone who can't bare to look at you while you get dressed

I’m sorry. I hope when you find this person you can find it in your heart to forgive me,  I am weak.

Sometimes I put my headphones in
No music playin
Just to muffle out the background noise
Of all they're sayin ,
all the empty conversation
I'm secretly sat here craving
From Better days when
This paranoia wasn't constantly
Invading my brain and
I could entertain it
Sit here without fear
Cause I was going somewhere
With people I could call friends
Without questioning motivations

Unquestioning motivation
Faltered
Now sleign , altered
And warped by blame
checked into the Awk-ward
I wait in urgency
hoping This was no accident
And I'll imerge and see
The bigger picture
Fat-e
But for now I shrink
Violently
Weight droppin off of me
still feelin heavy
Propped up on this bus seat
Weighing up whether
I should miss my stop
Cause I'm not sat near the bell
And God forbid I ask someone for help

Cause then they'd have to look at me

But don't look at me,
Don't you dare look at me!
I can't face you today
I can't even face me
That's why I don't take a window seat
And you have to begrudgingly
Shimmy past me to take yours
Or walk past to the back
Silently cursing me

I wish you'd sing instead
I've got no music playin
Clear my head
lend an Ear-nestle next to me
Did I not earn your earnesty?
If I've got your back
Won't you back me?
Or will I turn round
Reach out
Only to find your shadow stretchin
Out of reach
Like a weary soul-dier
you take your leave...

I try to shake mine off
Anxietree
Break some branches,
Tryin to get free
Oh-live!
They Silently scream
But I'm struggling
To even make it off my seat
Go live
In three
But I can no longer perform
Go on without me
Forget me
Only thing on the way up
Is mum's spaghetti!
Need some Bob Marley
Get up, stand up
But my legs won't let me!
Musics off
So it's down to me
Get up, stand up
Used to be so easy
Get up stand up

Your bus stop is here

No music playin in my ear
But right now I could do
With a mellowdy

A girl's bedroom is full of choices
Which she must choose to stop the voices.

Hair curly or hair straight?
Leave early or just wait?
Tall stilettos or comfy flats?
Quirky bag or one to match?

The saddest part of this conundrum
Is she's trying to impress a special someone
Who'll work his way into her bed
And then join the monsters in her head.