when did fine come to mean depressed, anxious, scared, suicidal, desperate, self-conscious?
when did we start to lie?

"I'm fine," she says, as her stomach gnaws away at her insides, growling for food

"I'm fine," he says, as he pulls the sleeves of his sweater down over his blood-stained wrists

"I'm fine," she says, after purging all of her dinner

"I'm fine," he says, when the anxiety gets so bad that he can't breathe right

"I'm fine," they say, as they write their last goodbye,
one last lie.

sometimes
when i look in the mirror
i see something
beautiful

but
when i look again
it's gone

--
Petrified.
Timid.
Vanished.
All at once.

The bad thoughts,
The what ifs—
They haunt.

Oh, she wonders—
How could she loves,
When she has not, yet, accepted herself?

Empty rooms and empty chairs,
No one present here nor there.
Week by week I stand alone,
And when it ends is still unknown.

I fill the emptiness with puzzles and games,
And try my hardest to not blame.
But every single time I've tried,
I feel a darkness grow inside.

I loathe for this, I loathe for that,
I loathe myself for being fat.
I loathe my feeling so many things
That aren't grounded realities.

Things like thinking I no longer look nice,
All because he's stopped telling me every night.
And things like he just doesnt love me as much,
That he'd rather be far away and such.

A part of me knows that these things aren't true,
And that thinking they are is a certain miscue.
But it's hard to look up when I'm all by myself,
So I hide all my worries on a deep mental shelf.

And there on my shelf shall all my fears stay,
As I make myself live each and every day.
I put on a smile and don't let anyone know,
That deep down inside, I truly feel low.

“I know when you’re sad,
I can tell when you’re happy,
And I know when something is wrong.”
She says

And I believed her

“Look at his arms,
You have to admit he’s hot,
His shirtless scene is my favourite.”
She says

And I stayed quiet

“You’re always so selfish,
Never do what I want,
You only think about whats best for you.”
She says

And I tried harder

“Lets watch this,
Look at this cool thing,
I swear I’m listening.”
She says

And I knew she wasn't

“I’ll go to bed early so I won’t nap,
I went to bed at 3am,
You’re just so comfy.”
She says

And I had 2 hours to my thoughts

“I hate my mom,
She never listens to me,
I’m just not gonna listen to her.”
She says

And I didn’t give my opinion

“Read my chapter.
Have you read my chapter?
I need validation.”
She says

And I could never bring myself to read it

“You’re not a real writer,
You write really good poetry,
It's too sad for me.”
She says

And I didn’t argue

“Are you tired?
You look tired.
You should get some rest.”
She says

And I wasn’t tired

I don't mean to hurt you with my words , they're not said with the intention to shatter.
You deserve someone that believes in you; who sees how beautiful you are
Who will put your needs before their fears.
You deserve more than excuses , abandoned dreams and missed opportunities.
You deserve more than the mediocrity  my comfort zone offends you with
You deserve someone who's drowned by lust at the mere sight of you
Not someone who can't bare to look at you while you get dressed

I’m sorry. I hope when you find this person you can find it in your heart to forgive me,  I am weak.