there are secrets that I
have trouble admitting even for myself.
and less yet more than myself
admitting to others.
I can spill some dark secrets
some entirely perverse
damaging
degrading
killing
secrets and
yet there are some that I cannot
I cannot
even talk or think about
or imagine
and therefore I will not speak
you will not know.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.

I wore necklaces of bruises when you felt so prompted to gift them
slipped me into sleeves of black and blue
watched my skin turn every hue of human
I remember one night I got brave
and painted you too

There were times you'd say you loved my eyes
so much so
you could never look at the stains your anger left behind
Who knew familiar hands would create the very reasons
I had to hide

There were entire days you spent trying to wash away the colors
attempting to convince me of the superficiality of my wounds
as secrets added up between the four walls of your room
Mornings were for recovery
but you'd see red if I couldn't forget by afternoon