Unarmed and
Alone

I'm not going to be
foolish

Don't manipulate me
I'm tired, uneasy

I tell myself
I'm taking a big risk

I'm far too deep
To surface in time

and as I stare into
your tired eyes, I wonder,
was I the rose you kept
or the dandelion you hid?

I’m losing myself
Or at least the lies
That build the walls
For two whole years
That keeps me sane
That kept me whole
Cause what he did
Did take a toll
Now the dice I roll
Tell me to speak
Leaving the pain at it’s peak
Cause words aren’t real until they are
And speaking them has left a scar
The kind that makes you question who you are
Leaving my sanity in its wake
And I can’t even catch a brake
And I know that I have made it far
But I’m numb inside …

And when I’m not
I’m waiting for my blood to clot
Apologies running endlessly
Cause I’m ashamed of who I am
I like the mask
I like the persona I devised
The one I built up on those lies
And now they’re gone and here I am
More broken then I’ve ever been
A burden to the only friend
I’ve ever told those cursêd words
That show you what I truly am...

The lies are happiness I fear
And who I am is nowhere near
Being anything but sad
And a little hurt
And a little mad
The walls I built came crashing down
Now at my feet
in them I drown
I need to heal my broken heart
And I do not know where to start
Plus my grades have missed their mark
And honestly I want to die
But I’m to ******* scared to try
Jumping off the edge to fly
So I sit here asking why?
And pondering to myself
who am I?

a question i got asked today and my answer was necessary i feel:
it’s to make someone happy
feel wanted
build confidence
learn how to maintain a relationship
learn from it
then one would most likely end up loving the person
then it turns into comfort
basically a necessity
it takes over their thoughts so i think it’s just a way a person makes it through life but maybe that crazy and it’s really just for fun

who do i be
when the world
doesn't want me

When

When can I stop pretending...
that I do not feel the pain,
that I am not happy,
that my heart is aching,
that I am dying?

When can I say...
that I am totally tired,
that I am already weak,
that I am am truly sick,
that I am seeking your love and attention?

When can I let myself...
feel the warmth of embrace,
heard the words of encouragement,
read a letter full of hopes,
see the beauty of life,
and indulge into happiness without being left behind?

It all starts with WHEN...
and I am still hoping that the ANSWERS are only within my reach
until the last days of my life comes to an end.

Feelings
They berate me
I don't know what I feel for you
Or why
This is beginning to suffocate me

Insecurities
Both inside and out
Am I attracted to you?
Or am I simply so lonely
That I'm clinging to you

How am I to say
Why I want to kiss you
And dance with you
When I've never kissed before
And never danced but alone

One cannot miss what
They have not had
But I miss you
And your flaws
Anyways

Scared to make a move
I couldn't love you if I wanted to
I don't want to
If I see you again
I might fall for you anyways

Big brother
Where art thou?
In the coiling mess of confusion
Bloodied wrists and sunsets
Have you already forgotten?

Big brother
Feel my pain
Set me free to roam
Bathe me in ecstasy
Or let me fall

Big brother
Love your neighbor as you love yourself
Give
Give your life
Why do you hide from them?

Big brother
What is the veil you wear?
Dancing where I cannot see
Where I cannot roam
Scattered across the globe

Big brother
Forgive me for I have
Lost all hope and direction
Gotten swept away in the current
There is no love

Big brother
Hold her close with starry arms
And metaphysical limbs
Love her in the pages
Spread like a seed

Big brother
I do not love you
The leaves on the trees come to the ground
Is that the last bow of nature?
Or an unspectacular event?