(each stanza is a haiku - I think I’m in a Haiku phase)*

I never think of
drinking tea - that's just not
me - but I like it

there are a thousand
things like that which define us
- our many small choices

Are our passions choices?
"Our wild passions instruct us"
- said wise Shakespeare.

I don't choose to
quicken my heart at the sight
of one special boy

so I'm not sure
how that works, the pushes and pulls
of attractions grab

But the effect stills
and taxes the heart like maple
syrup thickened blood

You asked what am I?
I am just a bunch of unanswered questions which you always ignore and sideline!
Just a face to your questions,
from which you want to escape!

Feelings or Conceptions?
Emotions or Infatuation?
Love or Curiosity?

Is it wrong for me to question my inclinations?
To question my motives and reasons for loving someone?
Is it wrong for me to wonder whether or not I’m just attracted to one’s sensuality?
Perhaps consumed by their visual enticement—
Whether or not I’m just captivated by the unknown territory teasing me away from the norm?
Possibly seduced by the inexplicable euphoria unattainable by other desirable methods––

I am left confused,
Conflicted,
And in question.

For a certain question—
there is no exact answer.
And there are questions—
that always remain unanswered.

Is love definite and true?
My anxious mind interrogates my heart for answers,
asking for evidence of feelings for you.

How do I know when to take it to the next stage?
My heart reads no definite chapter of certainty,
offers little advice of when it is right to turn the page.

How can I possibly know if you are the one?
I do not share your confidence,
I am willing to go the distance but I don't know if I can run.

Why does this always seem so easy to everyone but me?
Love at first sight does not seem possible,
I guess this is what it is like to be dating with anxiety.

I think about how the world was shaped and how it moved one day
in a way that brought us together that May.

I wonder what gods or spirits bonded over our coincidental meeting
and if they knew if this would be more than fleeting.

I think about the year we've spent laughing and crying and learning
in a way that keeps me returning —
every night back to you.

I wonder if we'll survive this next chapter within this lifetime
or if we're looking for just some insensible bliss in the meantime.

I know that I love you — that I know.
And I think and I wonder how you and I will grow.
And if there's a chance that we'll do it together
And if there's a reality where that means forever.

Would I be friends with myself?
Would it help my mental health?
Would he see me over there?
And give me some of his care?
Or leave like most often else?

Would he like the way I act
When I’m with my friends intact?
Would he see straight right through me
Extremely very quickly?
I give no eye contact, fact

Would he see I try too hard?
When thing are good, I discard
Would he think then it is weak
That I’m never at my peak?
Or would he mend my great shard

Would he catch me if I hide?
Even if there was no guide?
Would he know the words to say
When I do not want to play?
Or just walk and keep his pride?

Would I be friends with myself?
Would it help his mental health?
Would I know the thing to do
If his mind was turning blue?

Would I help him if he’s down?
Would I change his life around?
Or would I leave him alone
If he wants to be at home?

Would I let him win the game?
Or let Ego get the fame?
Would I take a stand against?
Or would I sit on the fence?

Would I help if he buckles?
Help him with all his troubles?
Or would I let him fall down
Cause the ego on my crown?

Would I be my classic self
As if I am with no one else?
Or would I fake my whole life
As I have done my whole life?

There’s gotta be something wrong with me
Where I fail to begin to see
Where you left and what’s in front of me
And how to keep walking when you’re gone
Pray, God, how do I go on?
I don’t want to go on
When kiss and hands held are shelved
Right next to my self-respect
View of me and you in kissing booths
That my mind cruelly projects
As I watch in horror
At things that keep saying goodbye
And yet they stay
And get their way
In my dismay, oh Lord, I cry
How do I go on?
Silence, darkness, no reply
Silence, darkness, no reply
Silence screaming thoughts, I try
Thoughts of only cloudy skies
No reply
You have dialed an incorrect number
Please hang up and try again
So we may test the other ways
Your faith in love can bend
I’m broken
As I found out 7 minutes ago the line was cut
The killer’s in the house, dear sir
I let her in, but now it’s shut
No hope for me in misery
I’m standing here, yet gone
These constants scenes in front of me
How do I go on?