Little hands of mine,
Shaky scribbles in Crayola blue
Handwritten letters to god,
Return to sender.

The sky is grey,
Despite the coloring books
Clouds form like ***** cotton,
The rain is not acidic enough…
I am still here.

In my sky colored room
Stucco walls look like ocean waves,
My lungs are tired, but I wish to scream -
Deaf tones upon muted ears,
Write another letter to god -
This time in barn red,
Maybe he likes this instead.

Return to sender.

Tears burn like pepper spray
When they are conjured from rage
And anger grits through, chipping teeth
As the extension cord to the Nintendo
Knows there will be no game playing.

Wrap it once, apologize,
Wrap it twice, demonize
Wrap it thrice, whisper goodbye

CHOKE

A cosmic joke,
The cord broke,
Gasping, ******* in the air
Disdained at my selfishness
It could have been better…
It would have been better.

Little hands of mine,
Can no longer find strength
To hold the canary yellow
The words fail, like all fallen angels
No longer return to sender.

Prayers are never answered.

I came across
A stray
Snarling dog
About 6 years ago
While I was living in an abusive home
Matted and scared

It was battered and bruised
And so was I

I fed the dog everything I would catch
Gave it my trust
And my loyalty
While it was visiting other people
Still coming running to me
As if it were starving

A month later I left my home
Finally out but now on my own
And nowhere to go
I left the ravaging beast
That owned me
Moved into the snarling dogs den
Where it kept me isolated
And used
Never free to express myself for fear of its bark
But the dog never bit so I forgave it
For it was bruised and hurt
So I tended to its wounds
As I licked them clean

Seven months later I learned the dog was being fed by other people
All of my hunting was for nothing
I didn't hurt the dog
Just hissed and yowled and scratched myself
Because the dog didn't deserve that
It was just hungry
You can't help hunger
So I moved us somwhere where the yards had fences so that the dog couldn't feed from others

Two more months later the dog had dug a hole under them
I found it and broke down again
All while filling the hole in with all the strength I could find in my small paws

The dog learned how to jump the fence
So I moved us somewhere where they were taller
And finally he was my dog
Even tho he still hungered for food from others
But my loyalty no longer lied with him
So I'd leave the dog alone in it's den
Well fed while I'd go out to hunt for others

After awhile I forgave his hunger
And gave in to those puppy dog eyes
Gave him my loyalty once more
Stayed in the den
But then a wolf moved in
And drove me out

I moved into a house again but was still loyal to the dog
To it's den
Until the dog snarled and barked
Until I was scared away from my loyalty
As it drove me away

The dog would now just roam my home
And visit here and there
Presenting itself as my therapy
As it wrapped is body around me
And let me use its fur for warmth
Being at my service
Grooming my fur
Leaving it clean
Trimming my claws
Leaving them cared for
My dog

Years later the dog still barked
Snarled
Growled
But it still never bit
So I always forgave it
I gave it my loyalty again
I let the dog into my home for a few days at a time
Before it went back to it's den

I lost my memory
No longer knew the dog
But the dog said I was loyal to him
And he was loyal
My dog
But then I found out that the dog had another home that he'd visit
My dog wasn't my dog
So I tried to leave it all
Because nothing is mine
Nothing is for me

The dog came crawling back
Whimpering and howling
Giving me its puppy dog eyes
So I let it be at my service again
Let it be my therapy dog again
The dog cleaned my fur
Trimmed my claws

Time flies by and the dog starts snarling
Growling
Teeth bared
Back arched
Everytime I'm sad or hurt
It can't be my therapy dog anymore
But I still beg it for comfort
I still try to nuzzle up to its fur
Hoping I can calm the anger within its body
With mine

But I am no longer this dogs cat
I am no longer loyal
And I don't care for its loyalty
I only care that it doesn't prey on another
So I obsess over keeping that dog mine
Keeping it away from another stray

I prowl around trying to find other homes
Until I do find one
This home is nice
But I only visit him sometimes
Wary of being his pet

The dog grows distant
Hiding away in the dark corners of our home
The dog is no longer there for me
Emotionally or physically
It doesn't curl itself around me or groom my fur
It doesn't lick my head when it's lowered
Or trim my claws when they grow too long
It only snarles
Barks
Bares its teeth
And finally it

BITES

The dog bit me
But the bite didn't draw blood
So I hiss and I swat
I curl up in a corner
And I keep the site of the bite away from my potential new owner
But that owner didn't want me
I'm not the right cat
I'm not the right temperament or personality that he was looking for so he closes his doors

I let the dog come back into our home
It must've been an accident
Because the wound
Didn't
Draw
Blood

One of my old owners comes back
The dog is still distant
Still snarling
And growling
So I hiss
And yowl back

The dog begins to calm back down
But it is still not my dog
I don't want it to be my dog
My previous owner only wants a cat and not a dog
And I'd like to be his pet again
So I need to leave the dog back in the den

The dog still cares for me
But only physically
All is well
And visiting my old owners home
Has me happy

But then
The dog
Bites me
Draws blood
Leaves a gaping wound
In my beautiful fur coat
My fur was stained red
And I was bleeding out dead
So I dragged myself to my old owners home
And he opened the door for me

The dog still wants me back
He couldn't fulfill his hunger
So he took his fill
Right out of me
Yet he still hungers further
Still howls and whimpers
Still tries to fool me with his puppy dog eyes
But I can now see through the lies
And everytime I look down I still see the wound that was left
In my beautiful fur coat
I can't get that wound clean
So I make sure that the dog cannot get to me

I never held you,
only met you once—
a blurry FaceTime smile
through the screen of someone breaking.

Your name still echoes
in the chambers of my heart.
I asked for pictures,
asked about your therapies,
asked if she missed you.

She said yes.
She said so much.
She said nothing at all
that could undo
the dark she kept choosing.

I offered her light.
A room.
A chance.
A future where you had a mother
who came back for you.

But she blurred the days
until stars and moon meant nothing.
She couldn't see you
through the fog.

I tried to be enough
for both of you—
enough to help her
see your little hands
as a lifeline,
not a burden.

But she let go.

I held on too long.
Not to her,
but to hope—
that you'd be her reason.
That love might dig her out
when logic couldn’t.

You were never the problem.
You were the light.
The small, glowing miracle
she left in the dark.

And still,
I think of you.
Jeremiah.
Jerbear.
Sweet boy with a story
written before you could speak it.

Maybe you’ll find me someday,
when you're older,
when the past starts to ache.

I’ll tell you
how I tried.
How your mother did love you—
in a way too bruised to be safe.
In a way too broken to hold on.

But I never stopped thinking
you were worth it.
And I still believe it now.

i am 28 years old
still trying to figure out
the meaning to all of this
confused on human emotion
confused on life

but

i know this familiar feeling
the feeling of being lost
of not knowing
what way is up
what way is down
what way is left
what way is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

this time though
my self soothing is not working
not like how it use to atleast

i am not panicking
i am not jumping ship
i am not escaping
all like i normally would
in my past

no

this time is different
this time is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

Little morgue baby come out to play

I swear I won’t leave or go away

I came to this graveyard with all my dollies today,

I’ll play with Malorie and you can have Rei.

Little morgue angel why do weep?

Is it because you cannot sleep?

Ill sit here I won't make a peep
You just lay here and I'll watch you
I promise to be sweet

I’ll just wait here for you sorrow sweet angel.

Little graveyard girl what happened to you?

You look all ****** and bruised!

Please graveyard girl don’t scream at me

I just want to help you! Please let's leave!

Small cemetery child why does it smell;

Like rotting flesh and toxic waste?
Please let me help tie your lace

Your body looks so damaged and broke ,
It's making me choke

I don’t understand why you stay in this place!

I’m trying to help you get out,

Yet your eyes are so dull
They won't sparkle at all

And you’re sitting in the dirt, like a garden gnome would
Afraid to get up afraid if you could

Churchyard princess it’s time to go!

Why won’t you leave?

The cross is melting
Please come with me.

I can’t stay here anymore, this place will make me fade away;
These other kids they don't want to play
They think I'm ***** they think I should get out of the way

Please don’t abandon me!
Maggots feast on your dress
And I know I can't go home
Feeling so cold
No one will feel the same about me

I can’t stand the thought of being alone.

Burial ground baby you’re starting to rot!

Little morgue girl please stop!

Before I leave and fade away, stuck in this cemetery prison
Before he is risen

I haven’t even had time to play a single game with you.

My graveyard girl has forgotten about me
She left and got stranded out in sea
I knew she would have been safer right here next to me

Now all I believe

Is that she really truly needed someone to save her from her own decomposition that was seldom never right

She's faded away and now I don't know if she found the light.

They took me away, separated our faith and now she will forever never remain

You were taught that love was earned not given
Power and control secured affection
Competing for a section of security
Survival was a piece of you, you gave to me.

I know I can't take away the pain
Because your grandfather gave it to your mother to send my way.
It hurts me to think
That once upon time,
You were just someone's baby too.
Just like I am to you.

And you always wanted better for me.
Financially there was more stability
But together we erupted violently
Volcanoes crying spitefully
Scared to ignite the rivalry

You told me that the world won't take care of you, unless you hide your own vulnerability, make yourself useful, you'll have more opportunities too!

The markings run so deep, I stand by the family tree
I beg him to tell me the secrets. I need to understand the story.
These branches hold generations of survival, feelings that don't hold glory.

Unconditional love is conditional
Nothing is reciprocacal if you don't show your worth it- in the end. It's important for your survival to stay undeniably valuable to attain any kind of sustainability, my friend.

I didn't speak
I just let the tree whisper to me
Taking in the breeze between the branches
I heard him tell the tragic tale of each members past transgressions that later got imbeeded into my own actions.

Can I escape the fate of surviving the roots that are within this tree.
Or will I become a branch, forever  bound to grow in the same direction.
Seen, but out of reach
Losing touch with affection.
I hope to find that I can be my own seed.
Move close by,
but away from the original family tree

Funny how it is the aftermath
that feels like the most painful path.
Though that moment is gone,
I can't seem to move on.

It's when memories start to haunt you,
and the present seems so far away,
you're stuck in a past that clouds your view
replaying all the scenes that sting like daggers
and crying over what's no longer there.
It feels so unfair.

It's when the brain begins to rewrite history
and squeezes it into an ugly frame.
Then when you try to pull out, suddenly
things never seem the same;
the past just won't settle
and it leaves you scrambled.

It's an everyday battle
when you're brain tries to convince you
that you're not loved,
that you're never enough,
and that this was all your fault,
and I have to tell myself a hundred times it's not the case.
When it starts to convert pain into hate
and blissful nostalgia into greif
It’s not fun, in brief.

Now I feel like I’m dying inside
day and night, sometimes all the time
as if this will never subside.

Imagine waking up and remembering,
then wishing you could just stop thinking.
Imagine you do something enjoying,
then realize you're not deserving.

Every couple that passes by
internally makes me cry.
And any heart that catches my eye
looks a bit broken,
like it's bleeding or darkened
or has that imaginary zig-zag line
like there is on mine.

Heartbreak is hard.
Living with it is harder.

Like a butterfly sporadically flapping its wings

My heart beats without any strings

I can’t control it but it controls me and everything counterfeit

Like a ship signaling for help to get to the docks

A faint signal, three dots, three dashes, three dots

My heart speaks a language I used to know