An ice floe made of gathered up snow
that fell over thousands of years:
The snow’s source water had achingly grown
from billions of sweat drops and tears

But now the floe turns and starts to flow
in rivers of thawed out heart-ice
and emotions once caged start to angrily glow —
An avalanche loosed from its vice

The glacier crashes, a tectonic shift
as mountains of blue-white burst the dam:
The inland is transformed by dramatic drift —
Who will find new order in the break of the jam

What could I do to take your pain away?
You counsel others, but it’s yourself you’re talking to.
I see you nervously fiddle with your wristband--
I’m pretty sure I know what you once tried to do.

I wish I could share my healing skills--
there’s no one whom I want to help more.
But we’re far apart. It’s me who is helped by you.
Someone else must unlock your secret door.

Freud once said: It is love that cures the patient.
But can we truly love at will?
Take the love that’s freely given,
and banish what has made you ill.

Anger in my life hits me in the chest. I allow the fire to spread to my limbs.
I observe and attend.
Sadness in my life grips my stomach. I allow it to devour my body as I cry out.
I observe and attend.
Guilt in my life empties my throat. I let it wrench my guts and weaken my knees.
I observe and attend.
Joy in my life blossoms in my heart. I allow it to melt my bones.
I observe and attend.

-So what do you feel?

I just can’t get rid of this feeling lodged so deep inside of me, which tells me that:
“I need to be seen as someone in front of people’s eyes”
It’s unfathomable. It’s too difficult. It’s beyond me.
Like a black cloud it’s hovering on top of me.

-What are your thoughts right now?

Time is ticking away and all I seem to realize is that,
“Life is getting harder than what I have ever previously thought”.
You have to decide right now, whichever way you need to go.

-And, what are your options?

You either choose to stop whining, quit complaining,
Sit your *** down and get to work in order to,
Achieve your dreams, improve yourself, and actualize your potential
And fulfill your destiny or,

-Or?

You get comfortable with who you are, what you have,
What you do and where you are and that’s it.
It’s your choice to make.

-Exactly. Thank you very much. That’ll do for today.

today

I sat very still

the kind where you can almost hear the silence. I could feel my heart alive in my chest. beating.

walk on. walk on. walk on.

it wasn’t easy
I had to crawl to get here.

a lot of time spent tip toeing
through easily depressing situations

I don’t do well with emotional upsets
slit wrists
like please don’t hurt me
palms curled to a fist

but I couldn’t seem to
escape
his body weight

some things you just can’t
undo

unlike a knot tied
and pulled tightly
straight like a line
testing for sobriety

I AM NOT
linear

but you are

just like how you
think the past
shouldn’t
bother
me

and how recovery
should be me
getting over
it all

can you really call
yourself a professional
if you have never
walked the line?

so.

please- try mine.

Let’s take your ragged soul and patch it up together.
I’ve got some thread, and tricks up my sleeve.
With your grit and wit
we’ll  take the pieces, and make them fit.
Your new you may feel strange,
because some parts are re-arranged,
but your vision will be clearer,
and your hearing more  attuned,
emotions deeper--
when we’ve stitched up those wounds.

He is safe. He is happiness. He is everything.
He takes away the anxiety. He takes away the hurt. He takes away the pain.
He makes you love yourself. He makes you feel like you aren’t alone.
He keeps away the nightmares.
He holds you. He tells you all the things you need to hear. He pushes you to be a better person.

Without him you are afraid. Without him you are unbearably sad. Without him you are nothing.
Without him you are anxious and bed ridden. Without him you are ridden with depression. Without him you are in constant psychological pain.
Without him you hate yourself. Without him you are alone and always will be.
Without him you have nightmares and sleep paralysis that never seem to end.
Without him you are cold. Without him you are no longer pretty- you are no longer anyone’s favourite person; you are no longer loved. Without him you’re an awful person and no one wants to be around you.

He is security. He is life. He is air.
He makes you do things you never thought you could.
You aren’t afraid to be with him. He makes the voices go away. He makes the paranoid feelings less intense.
You can touch him without feeling like you’re having a heart attack. You can kiss him without feeling like you’re going to faint. You can lay with him and not feel like something bad is going to happen.

Without him you are lost. Without him you want to die- there’s nothing keeping you here but him. Without him you can’t breathe; you feel like you’re drowning- suffocating, always.
You’ve always been afraid of anyone with romantic feelings towards you. You’re always afraid of people touching you or kissing you or anything that relates to intimacy- but you’ve never felt that with him. There have never been heart palpitations. There have never been anxiety ridden shakes and hot flashes. You’ve never felt faint around him. You crave his kisses- you want him to hold you.
Without him you’re afraid of everyone and everything. You never leave the house. You never go see friends. You’re too scared to live your life- you’re too afraid to die. You barely exist.

*But worst of all- without him, you’re left alone to have to deal with me.
Without him, us voices come back to taunt you and we’ll never go away.