Each night before I go to Sleep,
A decision has to be made in favor
Of one method or another
To help make that precious name a reality.
Some nights I try the one hand.
At least then my tossing and turning is natural,
And if at last I decide to embrace the Open-Eyed World,
I can.
Other nights I try the other.
The drugs paralyze me for endless hours,
But at least amid my nightmares I'm not conscious
And the next day I can think that I've tasted Sleep.
Every night the decision must be made, but I've come to realize,
Equal mass of skin and bones, neither hand weighs better.

Dreaming of pleasantries
But when the waking hour arrives
All turns to a nightmare
As I sit and wonder
How any of this is fair

Each day I fight
I wonder if everything'll be alright
In the end
I still want to be more than your friend

For now
I'll make it through somehow
Staying up all night
I'll do my part to try and make things right

As I sit here
I sometimes fear
That my dear
Won't come back
But no matter - I'll stay on track
Remain hopeful
Dare I say wishful
For all to be well
And life to be swell.

- Jay M
March 11th, 2020

After my last breakup, I had this dream

Two goddesses, one dressed in white, the other in black,
The one in white, will call her goddess ebony
The one in black, she is Ivory, cause its my ******* dream
They’re both perfect, both way out of my league, if I ever had one
Standing over me, tempting me with their beauty
Neither is good or bad, both are equally dangerous
Their whispers make my ears tingle, their bodies make my head spin
No matter which I choose, it will be the wrong choice
Both will punish me regardless; tormenting me, torturing me
Loving every minute of it, savoring my awkward embarrassment
I want them both so bad, they’ll haunt my dreams for weeks
The only way this will end “well”, is if I don’t make a choice
Which instead will leave me lonely, abandoned
Is it that greedy to want to be happy?
I’m already happy, I say out loud to them
They smirk and giggle, leave me there feeling lost as a child
It was the right choice, I swear to myself
But no matter what I say, they respond the same
Laughing at the colosal **** up before them
How dare I dare to speak to them like I’m good enough
This poor, unfortunate, sad sack of bones without gold
So many beautiful women around me, makes me feel hideous
So I close my eyes, tight as they’ll go, but they never go away
They never disappear, always linger long enough to sting
I don’t have a voice, because I don’t believe in mine
I’m lost in translation, and I speak the same language
But I’m known for setting my standards low, so
The demons are always smarter than angels
I blame them, but I blame myself far more
But you’ll never see the light if you won’t step out of the darkness
You know me, I’ll surrender before I walk away
Now, it seems all I can remember are my dreams
Now you know why I never smile in my sleep

my thoughts are
wandering between
my deadly dreams and
beautiful nightmares ;

Everything turns to dust -
even you,
even me,
even the bond that binds us now.

I've had many waking dreams
and a few waking nightmares,
but I don't remember most of them now.
They were lost while I was sleeping,
just like us.

Whether I lost you in my dreams
or in my nightmares,
I lost you
all the same.

In my night
terror,
I hear the pounding
of
your wings, ripping and
tearing
at my feeble heart.
It's beating,
but
barely;
bomb blasted by your
attack.
Your love is like
a stroke;
like a bloated toad.
I'm road weary,
teary eyed, like a
sunflower.
And you scream in
the darkness like a
lamb.

I long to *** in
you.
I'm like dentures
chewed on by a stray dog;
teeth missing,
jagged like a
jack-o-lantern.

Damage control is
your best bet.
I let you way too
far in.
No turning back now.
I'm like a dumb
cow led to slaughter.

I'm miles away.
You're on a
different
island.

Emptiness is what’s best.
Emptiness is what’s desired.
Happiness goes and sadness comes.
But the emptiness just stays there.

Isn’t the predictability of that better than anything else?
Why should I risk being happy when I know it will end?
And when it does, oh how it’ll hurt
So tell me, why would I set myself up?

They don’t know what happened.
They don’t know what’s in my mind.
And yet they have the audacity to try and fix me.
They try to make the decision that is supposed to be mine.

For a time I stayed true to the person inside.
Then I gave in and for the sake of the people outside, I lied.
I pretended to forget and made a bubble of content.  
I turned a blind eye and when my demons came I peacefully slept

Then the nightmares came back and so did the paranoia.
But no one could know because then they would ask.
All those memories have to go, but for a while, I’ll keep them close.
I’ll allow my mind to be caressed by my old sinful friends that I want so much to be dead.

Later, when I bury them all, I’ll line the exterior of my soul with protective poison.
And inside? Well, there'll be absolutely nothing.
I’ll become empty, just as desired.
Unfortunately, I know that’ll leave room for the ghosts.