Just cuz I don't speak on it doesn't mean everyday isn't a struggle. Through the praying the smiling the laughing the dreaming.. You're always there looming in my heart. As if your presence relegated to long term memory is not scarce enough, you want to take that from me. Tainting our past with sour casts. Calling our fated love a facade, then how did it happen that such rare people found in each other what's identical? Have you no faith in God?
Let me have the good memories, stop flicking anger onto them, ******* all my oxygen away when I need to be deep breathing the winds of hope. You can take the bad memories and go. Be gone with what I guess you came here for. I'll bask in what's left, what was once mine and will be again when he says so, in God's time, a man who truly loves me through all my craziness.
You have established once more that he will not be you even though no one's asking.. but don't try to take away that it was. Or I don't have much chance of hoping that such a thing can happen in my life again, with another. Otherwise all I have left is this piercing paranoia, that any man that loves me is only doing so until he changes his mind, about who I am and who he is and what we are.
You can still love me from afar. Love yourself and find peace, even if you cannot have me, or don't want me. I could love oceans over, mating sporadically with all that is in me, you thought so too, when you said you wanted to take care of me. You don't want that now.. We have established that. You want to soar amongst sea spray with no threads attached to your heart to tangle you up. Let me have what is mine, our memory. If you want to deny that it was always worth it, do so in your own mind. Leave me out of it. Please..
I prefer not to bare my soul in real time, but if you want to be written instead of being forthright and calling me, fine. Have it your way.. Goodbye. If you don't ever want to see me again, go. Walk forward and stop writing about tumultuous romance, tumultuous calm, whatever you call it. Just go.
My bloods already spotting the floor. The wound that bleeds wanting for the goodbye I am worthy of. Just go. But don't expect me to never post the poems I've been writing these months when they're golden. I was holding off until you heal so you would not find them so torturous. If you see them, please don't respond, if your reflections are clouded in anger, not God.
You are the most perfect beautiful creature I have known under your anger, the happiness of life lives just on the other side of it. I just want to be happy as I can be without you. Don't punish me because that's possible. You really don't get just how special you are, and that the agony is mutual. You don't get to judge how I handle abandonment, how I cope, how I survive the loss of you.
I should not have to state the obvious, that I am in pain. It should go without saying, stop twisting the blade. You left, so go. I prefer silence over knives, every time. There's no shame in turning back to glance me as your lover or friend, unless it's just to taunt me. If that's all that is, be gone. I really don't need 101 reasons why you're leaving. Just leave me with my memories. Please. And another thing..
Make it difficult as you want, I will still climb through life loving you, cuz that's what I was born to do. To heal all you broken people by loving you just the same as if all your **** was sorted out, cuz all you broken people are already living inside me. You are me. How could I turn my cheek on you in the same breath that I love me? It doesn't work like that.
Six planets are retrograde. I can't.
