i easily fell out of love with love when everything was less than beautiful

fell out of love with using words like "beautiful" since i was too weak for them

fell out of love with the way the sun seemed to skate across the sky in its usual routine

fell out of love with the adrenaline of life

fell out of love with loving myself

happened a while ago, i just didn't pay it any amount of attention until everything became harder

i fell in love with my pessimism instead, because it was "always better to keep your expectations low and either have it go as planned or be pleasantly surprised"

fell in love with letting my thoughts and emotions rot into my mattress until i had no place to rest

fell in love with curling so far into myself that people forgot what i looked like

fell in love with the fact that nobody could remember what i looked like

its easy to disappear when the bad memories take over the good

but life became easier when i found a reason to fall back in love with everything i fell out of love with

it was easier that i picked up your neologism that you made up on the spot just to see me laugh

easier that i started to see the colors of the setting sun being projected onto the sky again

easier that i started using stronger adjectives to describe the simplicities we came across

easier that i feel stronger by your side so that i could have the ***** to say i'm falling in love all over again

everything became easy

i'm rebuilding a robot from scratch

i didn't design it. why would i design something so ugly?

i had to make improvements, but i'm rebuilding it from scratch

along the way, i cut the palms of my hands on its' jagged metal edges, leaving small scars to remind me of my negligence

sometimes when i approach others with this robot, they want to reach out and touch it, but most of those people didn't like how it felt or looked. i knew it was because it was so flawed. ugly.

a few of them stayed—they want to see the finished product.

i've stressed and struggled my way through this project. i couldn't figure out where i went wrong; why is this robot not working properly?

why are my improvements making the quality worse?

one day i cut my hand too deep. the blood splattered onto the robot—almost soiling the steel i was told was stainless.

it took a couple of hard years to clean. but i cleaned it

i decided to look back on my process of rebuilding this robot. i decided to ask for help of other robotic engineers who were more experienced than i was. i also asked the opinions of the person who designed it

they were glad i finally asked. they told me they were waiting for me

with their support, today my robot looks more like the functioning robot it was supposed to be. i learned to use a different technique to fix the loose screws

the finished product is in the far future. but i know people will be waiting for it

what i once called ugly turned into something i was proud of

i built this myself. this is my robot.

You don't deserve me,
If you treat me poor,
You don't deserve me,
When you make my heart sore,
You don't deserve me,
If you make me feel like less,
You don't deserve me,
If you treat me like a test.
You don't deserve me,
If you get joy out of my pain,
You don't deserve me,
And don't you dare complain.
If I treated you well,
And still you treated me bad,
You're not worthy,
And I deserve better than that.