I always saw change
holding hands with pain
I thought it was scary
and crushing
and hurtful

I thought to myself
"then just let me be
let me cuddle my demons in the darkness
let them take a hold
let them make my choices
let them keep me
in their hands
ready to disappear
no trace left behind"

Let me be abused by darkness
Let it change my thoughts
to keep me chained
to the same ones
that say I'm not good enough
and it would be easier
to just force myself awake
by bleeding out
or falling off
or shutting down

But change doesn't
mean pain in itself
It means rebirth
It means experience
It means growth
It means becoming
who you actually already are
without painful thoughts
like phantoms haunting
your days and mind
and ways of acting
and not taking care of your own self

It means learning
the value of the life
you hold in your hands
and the potential
you hold in yourself

Change doesn't mean pain
Change means light

Sometimes
I wish never met
Have of the people
I've met on my life journey
They have wrong me
To the point where
I have take meds just
To sleep at night
or function in day
Love is just a dream
Like a nightmare

sleeping rough freezes
heart, mind, body and soul dies
hope still lingers on

am I a misfit?
the ticking clock detonates
only time will tell

Normally I wouldn't start this way,
But-
Its not you , its always me,
Well I suppose in a fashion you are blameless to a point,
Equating you with love and comfort was a mistake,

I need to set some healthy boundaries,
In the end I hope we can be friends,
but for now,
Its arms length
Till I get my mental strength.

My mind,
It wanders.
Cursing me with images.
Playing videos of,
Moments.
Not moments that have happened,
No,
But moments that,
Well,
I want.
For example,
One that always appears,
I wish to relax.
My head in someone's thighs,
Their hand in my hair,
The TV on,
Just in the moment.
Or.
Sitting beneath the night,
Out amongst nature,
Or on the hood of my car,
Looking at the vast beyond,
Talking about whatever.
Oh also.
Laying side by side,
My arm,
Being used for a pillow,
Drifting to sleep together.
But then again those are just,
Beautiful Fantasies.

When I look back at all I've been through
I'm grateful I finally see
The wars and horror I've endured
The hell inside of me.
My strength is undeniable
My courage certainly roars
A hell that few may understand
Yet still my spirit soars.

Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Replaying through my mind
Anxious about every bite I eat
Anxious all the time.
Doubting my abilities
Tearing myself down
Logic sadly lacking,
In my thoughts I'd drown

On and off 6 years of therapy
Untangling my tortured mind
Trying to figure out who I am,
Myself I'm trying to find.

Gaining skills to fight my demons.
Needing some medication too.
A rollercoaster of a journey
episodes of feeling blue.

Yet here I am.

Many times I thought I wouldn't make it
Reached for help countless times you see,
I'll never be perfectly "normal"
a mind warrior is who I'll be