The first flower of spring,
The first flake of snow,
The first walk in the rain
While warm breezes blow,
The first pinkened cheeks
As by sunlight kissed,
This is what I would have missed.
Grandchild's first steps,
His first words spoken,
The first hand held,
As he's gently awoken,
His first day at school,
his first girl kissed
This is what I would have missed.
The honour of becoming old,
And seeing wrinkles in my frown,
Pimping my mobility scooter
And roaring on it around town,
Laughing with the OAPs
While I fulfill my shopping list,
Coffee on a chilly day,
This is what I would have missed.

no matter how loud I scream
I still hear nothing
I can't even hear my own voice
no matter how loud I scream

I'm the host of a ghost and the most that I know is I feel it burrowing deep in my soul. Like a monster it stares at me, yet cares for me too. Watching me patiently sink in the blue. Waves come down crashing like a party around, and even with you here sometimes there's no sound. It's shameful and lousy and frankly it's sick, that even with a love like this I get lost so quick. It's silly, offensive, and sometimes just cruel that I keep crying like we're in some duel. You'll forgive and forget but the feelings will linger, "is she manipulating me?" with my cunning bee stinger. And I'm shouting like the wicked witch "Oh, I'm melting, I'm melting" and I'm tearing like a crooked ***** while I'm belting and belting, "I'm melting, I'm melting," and swearing I'm caring but can I really care if everytime you need me I'm never really there? Frankly it's not fair! It's not fair that my tone falls flatter and low, and my body starts to move so heavy and slow, or my eyes shut tight and my head starts to hurt or my heart starts to panic and my **** eyes just burst. It's not fair that I can't listen without hearing my mind. Take one step forward, stepping five more behind. It's not fair that I don't think of you each second of the day because while I'm busy hating me, you're hoping I'm okay. You're doing everything you can like a single mom of five, and you don't even know you are the reason I'm alive. You make me smile in a way I've never seen myself before, and when you hold my body I just feel my whole world soar. I could spend forever with you, but I worry anyways- because I cannot promise you I won't ruin our nice days. I can't guarantee I won't just fall upon the tile in a bitter act of drama and just stay there for a while. I can't swear to you I'll rise and clean the whole house while you're gone rather than stay in bed asleep because my mind just is all wrong. You can't just trust that I won't lie or stretch the pain to keep the peace, and I would never ask you to just ignore that whole beast. If you love me, that's a joy I'll constantly question myself each day, because I'm still battling my health and I worry if you'll stay. And if you'll stay with me, you should know you make me whole. You watch the ghost beside me, while you protect my soul.

It crawls and disappears
Like the ghost of spring,
Whose presence can be felt in the sneeze,
It appears
But it can't be seen.
It grows and expands.
It is polluted.
If you give in, it will pollute your mind
And leave behind
Fragments of the cranium
That once encompassed your grey matter.
It could shatter
The dreams that inhibit your imagination
Or corrupt them into nightmares
That could live in your head rent free.
Like an apparition,
It will haunt you,
Trick you,
Torment you,
Taunt you.
Only if you give in.

So,

Reject the fate
The one it shows you
The one that teaches you hate
And fills your heart
With fear, resentment and fury.
Reject this vile apparition
That corrupts your imagination,
This ghost of Spring
Who can't be seen
Dancing with chaos
Inside your mind
Only to leave fragments of dreams
Shattered behind.

So, cut its roots
Let it bleed through its branches
The chaos inside your mind will halt
Save your dreams
And when the Ghost of Spring screams
In pain
And in agony

Reject it.
Reject the fate
It shows you
The one that teaches you hate
And fills your heart
With fear, resentment and fury.

telling
Shouting
SCREAMING

my inner dialogue
telling me
just to

shower
Get Up
DO SOMETHING

but i cant
the executive in charge of function said
NO

I’m a chemical
substance
that’s been put
together
by a downward
spiral
of poor
genetics