And there she goes again,
gone like the future memory she once was,
before we met and I didn’t yet,
know she was the one I was wishing for,

oh well,
I guess we all go eventually,
so appreciate the moments while you have them,
because they all go eventually,

in my own penitentiary,
prisoner of my own restrictions,
but whatever maybe I’m better off locked in here,
alone with only my personal addictions,

but even here there are contradictions,

because I want to be alone at the same time home,
somewhere with here where we can spend time,
because time is the most valuable thing we can share with others,
it’s the only thing we can’t make more of and I’m I’m,

I’m trying to remember what it meant to be with someone that meant something,
I’m trying to remember the place the name the scent the feel,
but all I remember is that all the details are long forgotten,
and all I remember is the memory of remembering her back when things felt real,

and just when I think I’m about to recover the lover I lost forever,
she goes again gone like the future memory she once was,
before we met and I didn’t yet,
know she was the one I was wishing for…

∆ LaLux ∆

New Zealand
January 2019

Sometimes she chose to believe the lies, awaiting the inevitable

Hoping it would never come

Sometimes, she chose to live in the truth, her heart pierced and ripped from the depths of her soul

Her will to survive slowly slipping away as the lies filled the room with darkness

It’s still there
The void inside
Dark and cavernous
Ready to draw me down

I thought I had dealt with this
But I just papered it over
Trying to be normal
Trying to survive

It doesn’t take much
To bust it open
To send me running
Looking to hide

There seems no end
To the grief I hold
It carries me with it
Lost and out of control

It’s not your fault
It was there before
Wounds from my past
Which have emptied me out

It’s time to face it
Go deep and howl
Let the sorrows out
Let the torrents flow

Surrendering thus
The endless waters calm
And in this moment
The light of love shines through

Cold and wintery the light
Penetrates my heart
I smile as I realize
I will always love you

As we kissed
You traced
The shape of your lips with my tounge
And you did the same to me
Then they both met and
Danced
As we made forbidden love
I moan quietly
And a rush goes through me
To the cosmos.

Notwithstanding
The pain I have gone through
I still have favorable
Thoughts of you

I wonder where you are
And how life is treating you
The “what ifs” bubble up
And cloud my view

I try to let go
Saying “it wasn’t meant to be”
Yet my love persists
Even though I told you you were free

The things I'd do to be with you
Would put me away for good;
So, here I wait in solitude,
No sun, no moon, no light.

I've dug deep to break out,
I've climbed walls in my sleep;
I've dealt and knelt,
Held my hands out
To supplicate for pardon.

But I'm a repeat offender,
A schmuck and poor pretender;
A pled lifer for loving you.

"Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,

Her voice is soft,
sweet,
almost innocent,
and adds an aphro-ambiance,
to the incessant crash of the ocean waves in the background,

her pleading eyes,
intercept my retreating lies,
it can be so hard to argue with the truth.

I am all out of excuses,
as we lay naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
clouds gathering outside for the coming post sunshine storm,

two tainted souls,
in a rare moment of purity,
as we lay there I can not lie here,
I can not tell her I will see her again,
I can not tell her everything will be okay,
I can not tell her I love her,
at least not in the same way,
as she loves me,
which of course is unconditionally,

we’ve just made love,
and as she’s mentioned,
possibly for the last time,
and though she wants to make love again and again,
until we both grow old,
wants and realities can compete in this existence,
and in this moment is where they both meet,

“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,

she asks me again,
shaking me from the depths of my thoughts,
she pulls my submarine from the dark depths,
and shakes me out to dry in the sunlight of her attention,
her question,
comes with a hint of offense,
honestly no offense was meant,
at least not from me,
it’s not that I was ignoring her in that moment,
at least not completely,

it’s just that it’s difficult for me to stay in the moment,
when the past keeps dragging me back,
and the future keeps pushing me forward,
and there’s a needy media monster that doesn’t want to be ignored,

where were,
we,
where have we gone,
and what has become,
of the innocence in which we were born?

We lay,
naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
clouds gathering outside for the coming post sunshine storm,

nothing covering our skin,
except a thin layer of post *** perspiration,
for even though the sun has already set,
the humid heat still sits there,
like the soon to be cloud covered moon,
that hangs lazily in the sky,
seeming neither amused nor moved by our human drama.

Her question,
is reasonable enough,
and she is,
beautiful enough,
so why,
when she asks,
“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
can I not say yes?

Well,
for one,
I respect her too much to lie to her,
plus lying to such an honest question,
would seem so taboo,

reason number two,

they say,
we do not choose love,
they say,
love chooses us,
and I do not love her,
even though I may want to,
I do not love her,
because she is not the one Love had decided to choose,

I do not love her,
as amazing as she is,
even if I should love her,
for she is everything a mortal man could ask for,
she is,
a gorgeous and successful model,
with a sharp and receptive mind,
a big heart,
and maybe most importantly,
an undying devotional love for me,
so logically,
I should love her,

but love is not logical,
love is as passionate and irrational,
as the weather here in Baja,
one moment shining bright with clear skies,
the next moment dark and ominous with gathering clouds,

so when she asks me,
“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,

I simply say nothing,
for what can I say,
how can I explain the irrational,
how can I say the one word,
that will break her heart open,
then watch that heart break right in front of me,
how can I say “No”,
to the one question,
that the girl that has said “Yes”,
to my every question,
asks me?

So I say nothing,
I simply open this writing book,
as these skies open above us,
and write down these thoughts upon these pages,
as the desert rains fall down upon us,

I write this poem,
as we lay naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
as the incessant crash of the ocean waves in the background,
adds to the aphro-ambiance,
of this bittersweet moment in time,
so that even when I am gone,
and she is gone,
and we are gone,
these words,
from these thoughts,
will live forever,
immortalized in this verse,
forever resting,
somewhere in the collective psyche,
of our unified broken hearts,

as we lay there,
as we mutually mourn,
all that has been loved,
and all that has been lost,
in this impermanent moment called Life,

and she asks,
"Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,

∆ Aaron LaLux ∆