i was never what you truly wanted, i was just someone to look to.
look for me on the road
either scattered or waving hesitantly,
warm sunlight beaming down upon my shoulders.
you were what i truly wanted, i was just too scared to tell you.
deathly afraid you’ll see how much you mean to me
and then you’ll disappear into the corpse of our love.
i’m so terrified to tell you,
so sick of being unsure.
sick of being second;
all i want is to be heard.
and if you do not adore me
how will this all go?
when i love you till i’m dying quick,
how fast will you hold me?
oh, how fast you know me.
when no one quite understands,
i hear your voice and smile,
wishing you would speak to me,
i haven’t seen you in a while.
i’m always second pick
i’m sick of being pushed to the side
i miss you—i miss us.
i miss every conversation.
every contemplation of whether i’m in love with you,
every expectation you had of me,
every quiet moment where i didn’t feel like exploding.
i wonder if you know that you know me better than anyone.
i wonder if you know you’re all i think about when i’m lonely.
i wonder if you know i love you.

it’s creeping up again

hard to keep it at bay but it mocks me,
false hope of the future.

fantasies of happiness it implants, they feel so real.

It’s mascot I soon employ myself to be, rotting indefinitely.

Kiss.
When you kissed me,
With my eyes still closed,
I said to you:
"I have never had a first kiss."

When I opened my eyes to see your reaction,
You were gone.
And I remembered.


Beds.
Beds are dangerous,
Life-threatening traps.
The sheets: a barbed binding,
Encasing and suffocating.
The covers:
A panic-soaked hug
filled with hyperventilation. (Get off of me!)
The pillow: rocky ground and spinal trouble.


Dreams.
Dreams are non-existent nightmares.
Burning houses and drowning lakes.
Warm open night air in freezing water.
Being locked inside a trunk.
Fields of fireflies.
Cicada's friction.
You.
Always you.


Cafe.
Coffee reminds me of you.
The sweet warmth of cinnamon.
Cool refreshing milk.
Bitter richness of coffee.

A subtle hint of scented lavender.
A pinch of ***** chilli.
Honey, a name as much as a flavor.
Vanilla, pure.


****.
Vulnerable.
On display.
Exposed.

I removed my clothes first,
But you kept yours on.

Disgusted by the sight...

everybody lies
everyone lies to me
“don’t ask questions, and you won’t be lied to”
I don’t ask questions because I can’t afford truth–

and my currency of faith has been wasted
entrusting it in the hands of persons
presented falsely in truth

when I unwrap the façade, like a child with a gift
I notice the quite the con, from what was promised to what is

why do they play with the string attached to hope
how come they hit where I’m most vulnerable

I hate it–
I hate the insatiable feeling to trust
so when the wall you lean on falls through
you know you can only put blame on yourself

at least that's what the mind whispers when you're on the ground

need a friend?
the doubts live inside of me like citizens
that walk slowly in courthouses ready to sue.
all their passions are out of wack,
they only know how to survive by shooting down others.
every hollow house i was led to, hand in hand,
as i trusted you to guide me.
i need a friend.
i need the fever, the fire, the rage, the shooting star, the red seething blood.
any warmth to remind myself of tenderness,
even if it is without at the core.
i need anticipatory silence, waiting your filthy hands to slap the dinner table and i rush to clean the shattered plates.
don’t hurt me,
be gentle,
don’t make me smaller.
make me smaller,
make me writhe,
make me smaller,
quieter, less of a burden.
be responsive,
make me spill.
i need a friend.
the panic has large hands that choke me,
has a large frame to push me deep
and never lift me out.
though, i will not make do with violence,
i am not silent when it comes to love that festers.
need a friend?
the breaths i take will be for you.
the day is wicked
and you are so tender,
i would like this meal to be filling,
i would like you to stay a while.

Someone smiles as you walk by
You smile back and resist the urge to sigh
You get a text out of the blue
saying “we should catch up, I miss you too”
You trick yourself into thinking you made a friend
But tomorrow you won’t exist to them

You try to wave at someone you recognize
They stare at you with dead, blank eyes
You’re drowning in this pool of lies
No one helps you, no one tries

You isolate and no one cares
You are invisible but yet they stare
You try to blend in but your mind compares
It’s a lonely world out there