I just want a long, tight hug from anyone. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get one even from my own family. Are they afraid of affection? But they can hug others just fine, so why am I the only exception? Am I missing out on something? I remember crying alone until my sister saw me. I didn’t say anything that day. I went for a hug as soon as I saw her, but  I was afraid that she would reject me somehow, like she always did. She didn’t, though, but I could feel that she didn’t know what to do let alone what was going on, so I let go as quickly as I could. I didn’t feel what I was looking for. Not warmth, not welcoming arms, and certainly not a sense of safety, of security. Or even love. It was a terribly difficult night. I cried even harder afterward. Something about being a family fools you into thinking there is affection all the while it doesn’t exist in this reality.

how do i tell you?
how do i put into syllables the roaring of emotions i feel within?
the loneliness that plagues me
the regrets that haunt me
the ache in my chest
& the lack of air when i choke on all the words that are waiting behind my tongue to stumble out that i push back down so that i dont ruin the moment
how do i tell you i miss you?
without it sounding so desperate for connection?
how do i tell you i need you?
without causing you to worry that i should be hospitalized again?
how do i tell you how deeply i love you?
without suffocating you or making you assume it's romantic?
how do i tell you that i cry at your photos?
feeling left behind like a photograph of a memory you no longer have
i radiate with pride for how far you have come, for how beautiful your soul is
& slowly drips in the jealousy of a forgotten feeling, happiness
i can't remember the last time i woke up to feel content & secure within myself
i can't remember the last time i felt loved & grateful for more than a few fleeting seconds
before the imposter syndrome takes over to steal the moment away from me
somewhere deep in the cobwebbed hallways of my mind, i know
i know that you would care that im in pain
that im struggling to stay alive
somehow i know
& yet that very thought is exactly what prevents me from saying a word
you cannot know how hollow i've become
you cannot see the person you once knew wither away before your eyes
how do i tell you how ashamed i am of myself
falling back on all the bad habits you were once so proud i thought i had gotten past
falling victim to the same toxic love i barely escaped before
how do i tell you how desperately i cling to anything that can alleviate the pain for a single day
the food, the shopping, the desire to self destruct constantly looming over my existance
how do i tell you without being vulnerable
what joke could i tell that would reveal it all but keep me in the safety of my aloneness that i have grown to find comfort in
how do i tell you...

Born from silence
a primordial motif
in my chest,
dragged heartbeats
evolving
into slow burning noise.
I’d like to give you
This sound wave
dragging my heart
without pause,
ever growing
unless contained in your hands