Today,  I wasn't even ******,
I wrote for you a To-Don't List,
"To Do's" can get you miffed,
"Don't worry" to you I'll say,
"Don't hurry yourself today!"
There's no rush, that's the way,
Don't give up, persevere,
"Don't give up your faith, my dears!"
"Don't give up smiling, anyway."
"Please don't get negative this day,"
Don't take any notice, prithee,
Of negative Norms and Normas, please,
Don't get into dumb arguments, a thought,
"To Don'ts", indeed, life's too short!

black liquorice.
a man walking me with his hand on the small of my back.
chilli-flavoured chocolate.
being called "exotic".
salads.
my long beautiful hair (it's a trap!).
eggs in the morning.
making myself look "pretty".
foie gras.
bleu cheese.
macarons.

A gallon of 2% milk
Untouched since breakfast.
Mexican blend cheese. A
Half eaten sandwich - best
Tuna I've ever had caught
Between your teeth like
Black sturdy nets. The
Bottle of coke you let go
Flat. 8 eggs, washed like
Infants and just as smelly.
Our acid art on black magnets
And the one screaming
Urgent care in a dull office
Font. You go to the kitchen
And leave the fridge closed.
"Tomorrow we're going
Food shopping."

1.      My mother’s mirror makes me look way better than any other mirror. I’m half convinced she put a spell on it or had it blessed to make me feel more beautiful. The way it reflects the light puts green specks in my eyes and a rosy sheen on my cheeks. It makes my hair look softer, my edges smoother. It takes away those fifteen stubborn pounds. I think, maybe, it just reflects my mother’s love.

2.      Red headed boys have it out for me. I have had my heart broken five times and four of those were by red headed boys. **** you, Ronald Weasley for igniting such an infatuation-no, obsession-at such a young age.  It seems that no matter how badly the fire burns, I always seek out another flame.

3.      The people who pass on before us are allowed to paint the sky when they feel like it is needed. Part of your welcome to heaven package is a paint brush. My papaw frequently sends me glorious sunsets and starry nights when he knows I’m feeling sad.

4.      The first time a rough boy put his hands on me, he didn’t do so in a mean way. We were young and he pretended to know what he was doing/pretended that it wasn’t wrong. The second time, he realized he now had control over me.  Though I was never forced, I was manipulated. I do not cry ****, but I still cry.

5.      Growing up Catholic taught me that *** before marriage is wrong. What if part of me thinks *** in general is wrong? What if I can’t take the *** without imaging the unwanted hands all over me? What if my mistakes have made me into an unlovable monster? What if I am too weak to say no to *** and too weak to say yes to love? What if I can fall in love or fall in ***, but never both? 

6.      My mother’s mirror makes me look way better than any other mirror. I know it is because I see my reflection the way my mother sees me: beautiful, strong, unbroken.

I am full of demons. They live in my throat and my blood and my ears whispering to me so quiet that it sounds like my own thoughts.
2. The monsters are waiting. They lurk in the shadows and I can feel their eyes on me, their hands all over pulling me into the darkness it takes all of my strength to reach my fingertips to the light
3. I am fading. Memories of past selves disappear as every day passes, memories slipping away I can never remember what I've forgotten until it's too late
4. It feels like it's been years. We pass each other in the halls and i can't look you in the eyes without thinking of kissing you. It's so strange to dream of having someone back you never had in the first place
5. You haunt my dreams. I see the contour of your body and your hands and I reach out for you but I am always just not close enough and your hands slip away from mine and you dance with him instead
6. I was never good enough. No matter how I tried to purify my bloodstream and my skin and my stomach and my heart I was tainted, born into sin and unable to escape it. My demons live in every cell and I can't avoid them the same way you avoid looking me in the eyes
7. I can never pass on my genetics. I am burdened by a curse coded into every ounce of me and I can never pass this down. The thought of my children crying themselves to sleep with bloodstains on their hips haunts me and I realize that my biggest fear is being as ignorant as my parents were with me
8. I can never be loved. At least not totally. Although my illness is evil it is still part of me and no one can love depression. I will always be loved despite my sickness and I will never be cured.
9. I hurt everything I touch. My hands must be coated in poison, everyone I love is burdened by my fingerprints. I want to stop, to free them but I am too weak to leave them alone. So I take them with me until they are as shattered as I am, broken and unholy.
10. I am what won't let me sleep. All of these things that make my skin crawl are part of me, implanted deep within my bones and I cannot get rid of them. I am a monster because I am haunted by them, they will forever be part of me.

A cigarette that promises
to satisfy but turns to ash,

A nicotine addiction that
promises to be harmless
but inflicts damage,

Lungs that promise to help you breathe
but leave you gasping for air,

An "I'll always be here" that
"is never there"

A gardener that never waters his rose,
and so the rose dies without proper care.

Do think before you act,
Don’t let your actions negatively affect others thoughts.
Do believe the world can be a better place,
Don’t be pessimistic.
Do keep your word.
Don’t make your words hurt other people.
Do help others.
Don’t make the person you helped feel like they owe you something.
Do try and better yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Do try your hardest,
Don’t overwork yourself.
Do listen to good advice.
Don’t let that good advice not be put into action.