Well, you better hide

your thoughts, others don't have them --


It makes them jealous.

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one

Never dare to do

anything you failed to do --


when you were with me!

Is liking someone so uncommon
or wanting someone, a new phenomenon?

Are you an April - wreaking the milieu to discourage me?
Is that why you disparage him to such a degree?

He’s heartful and sincerious,
he’s slammin’ hot but oblivious.
He’s music, lust and fun,
all rolled into one.

So, I’m calling you off,
stop blowing up my phone.
You might as well not bother,
We’ve got dibs on each other.

What’s really good?
He’s really good.

Glass confessions
Fragile honesty
Entrusted to your
Choking squeeze
Bursting glass candor
Insulated confetti asphyxiation
Defiant Resistance

Are we all fake?
Are we all getting baked?
Are we all looking?
Are we all searching?

For a simple solution
To shake the focus from this illusion
Finally looking up to the sky
Stars shining and twinkling in your eyes

Or is it just the glare
Pining over your cell phone in despair
Comparing yourself to others
Moments that look like perfection

Also lead us in a misdirection
Down a path of self doubt
All because of some dude's clout
Putting the most in every post

To answer all the above questions
We be searching for the real
And be looking to get baked ;)
At least that's this ****** dude's opinion

Time passes a thought
To another, in a climbing sense of renderings...
We see the call to unify, in a shy voice ought?
Today was a marveling hour, we could marvel's ends...

Bite me...with a resolve?
They said the sour news is a welcome sunshine
With pets and history to come at all...
Of a younger moment to be quiet, for a composure of time...

Hours as we know, a fixation on else
Can be, the truth be found in a place of sin
Was this imagined tongue, the saying of wealth
Yet to be, the stir of justice of what is a craved wince...

Of passion over a legend to become, our friends
The tale we notice, and simplify by devoid and avoid
Is but a loose remark of such to roll and imbue, the like we end
As if the world knows any better: the fight of certainty's choice...?!

Sly or slime?
Tows of redoubt, between lovers or a heroism of dry finality's
Sunny as we should note, is about the hour I am trying
We see the traitor of commonness and pence, our humor is...

A rushing eye, to know a catastrophe
That is being a silent opportunity, to approach though
And worth the implied key, we find in the future feat
Of lying to the misses, when a game is for those we hosted, should first owe...?

Sweet envy,
I'm envious of how she was blessed by the gods to have looked into your eyes, eye to eye. To study their color and watch how they look when you lie.
She knows the way you blink and how you close them when you sleep at night.
I hate thinking how you've both spent some nights.
The thought of her taking granted of breathing the same air as you boils my blood.
I'm jealous of how she was able to graze her fingers upon your skin, let them travel across your back
and how her hand once held yours... only to foolishly, finally and thankfully let them go.
I curse and bless the day she broke your heart.
I curse each day that I have to live with this jealousy.

Holy jealousy,
I'm jealous of the kind of jealousy you've made her feel, like when you would glance at another girl when you're together.
Or how you'd talk to a girl in a cafe or bookstore when you thought she wasn't looking over her shoulder.
Or how you'd talk to anyone about anything at all without uttering her name.
I'm jealous of how you two probably used to stand across each other in a room and throw blames.
I could imagine countless of scenarios but then
I also imagine I'm the one feeling that too.
I can take that any day, as long as we're together too.
Because the only jealousy I feel is jealousy of your past. This fiery envy towards your history.

****** history,
I'm reading into every words you said like memoirs and piecing every excerpt trying to look for answers. Answer as to how and whyㅡhow she broke your heart and why she did it.
Would you change a thing about everything you did?
I ask and scream these questions to the moonlight.
Yet if you tell me and show me the answers yourself, there's not a single battle that I would win and fight.
Yet I search for clues in every old photo, in every message and through my sly, secret ways.
Must I scour every corner and highway?
So I can come up with answers to my own 'how and why'? How can I mend your broken heart?
Why do I love you this much?

Because above all, I am a revolutionary.
I acknowledge my envy, work through my jealousy and respect your history.
But then again, with every dark history comes the need for revolution and change.
And I am the catalyst who will spearhead that game.
I am your new age.
I am your renaissance.
I am your vengeance, nirvana, revolution and everything at once.

Every time you were together
Whenever your hands touch hers
I am filled with this emotion
Was it jealousy?
Because it wasn't me who you are with
Or was it envy?
Because you have someone to lean on other than me.