Of course, I hear with my ears. Of course, I see
with my eyes. Of course, I feel with my hands.
But if I wish to do all the above the best, I do not
use my ears, I do not use my eyes, I do not use
my hands. I use the keenest sense I have:  I use
my intuition. And when I use my intuition, I can
hear all falsehoods, I can see through all illusions,
I can feel all disingenuousness. The lies, the fakery,
the cons--the ways and means of many--become
naked and clear to me, and I eschew them. I need
say nothing. I simply continue to follow my inner
moral compass, and my destination, whether near
or far, always in time appears, and I am home.

Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks

I get it why people believe in god
I get it
It’s nice to have
A voice inside your head
Telling you
Everything is going to be ok

I’d rather let
The dowsing rods
Of my heart
Lead me to where
I can dig down
And divine
What is definitely
Not ok

The world is rough enough, I can’t take it no more.
I’m not that tough you know, I guess I never was to be honest.
My soul is weak to the point of me being overwhelmed by agony.
My future’s bleak, the same as it was back in my childhood days or so I’d like to say.

So scarred am I by life by life events. I cannot even count how many there really were.
But I don’t want to complain. Even the best of soldiers have the ugliest of scars.
Wounded by swords. Wounded by arrows. Wounded by love. That’s the battlefield of today.
Those are the things you have to go through is order to survive. In order to “go on living.”

I fight alone. I fight my own battles. I fight my own wars.
To save my own. Meaning, my memories and my emotions.
I lost my breath today while fighting. That has never happened to me again.
Gosh I’m as scared of death, to death and by death, for as long as I can remember.

To God I speak loudly and clear but it seems to me that..
He’s deaf indeed, I cannot even hear his voice. Maybe it’s too late for me to believe.
True love I seek but will I ever find true love? I don’t think so..
A lover’s plead to the stars, that’s what every beat of my heart is really whispering.

I don’t know what the world is asking from me, I really don’t.
Sometimes I just wish to be left fully alone. I have nothing more to give.
I don’t know if all I want is to want or to not want. But isn’t that a desire in itself?
Will I live forever??? Please say to me that I get to live forever.

Many times when people get to find who you really are, they..
They tend to run away from you as fast as they can, maybe..
Maybe it’s vanity to desire perfection and to strive for ideals.
Maybe all that you really need to do is to just, to just, to simply…LIVE.

Only open your heart to someone who really cares,
And for sure don’t give your heart “just like that” to strangers..
They will use it and abuse it just like the rest of the world will.
Without caring, without any compassion, without any remorse

You are not the only person to be alive you know
(I guess that is my antidote, my cure for selfishness)
You are not the only one who has a right to experience things.
(I know) Yeah but you don’t seem to change your mindset/behavior at all.

It seems to me as though sometimes the whole of reality is just like a big movie
Everybody is playing their role. Unaware that they themselves, are being played too
Forever ****** to want to be somebody else. Denying themselves.
Don’t you see that sometimes too? I mean the movie part of it all?

(Now, tell me, just tell me, what is the secret to living a long, happy and fulfilling life?)
To not care about what others think but to trust them with your life without any second thought.
You see, that was a contradiction because I always tend to speak that way.
I’m elusive, I’m opposed to myself but also united. Fragmented and whole. I am the all-encompassing, ever eternal, [BROKEN & glued again] mirror of life!

I don’t know what the truth is. I guess the only thing that’s true is..
Searching for truth. That is the only “true” path of life. I believe so that it is at least.
And you? What’s your Truth? What’s the truth that you are after? Huh?
Money? Fame? ***? Love? Companionship? God? Or the smell of the essences of the very deep recesses of your own mind’s unconsciousness?

I don’t know if I was always like this.. A deep thinker.
Pondering about mine and other people’s existence for far more than it is “necessary”.
Stretching thought to its very own limits. Letting, leading, and teaching my mind into taking more than it can “actually” take.
I think that’s is my mission here. To find, realize and then express to people, the finer truths of this world. And to rid them. Of their mystery.

That – I believe- is the only thing that matters. Unite the contradictions in yourselves.
And maybe, maybe you will only find that NONE of them, really existed at all.
It’s been my life’s work to try and find words to express the inexpressible.
Attaining the unattainable. Realizing the un-realizable. Touching upon the very elusive “thing-ness” of this world. And yet still up to today, it escapes me.

On your way of travel,
let yourself feel the vibration of scent.

It is not only your feet that can lead you,
but also your whole body and soul.

Sometimes,
when you lose yourself,
you may discover the present
that the world has prepared for you.

And maybe,
you will find out a piece of the puzzle
that you have been seeking.

Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself and lately I’ve been wondering if certain things are still worth it. Does my man understand my worth and appreciate and accept me for who I am? I shouldn’t have to question myself every week about this. I want things to get better and I want us to be better but I don’t know what’s meant anymore . All I know is that I love him with all my heart and at this point my heart is hurting. It was too open too available for him and now it is just an open wound that only I can heal. Only I will know how to heal it and in time I pray things will
go well . But only god knows if we’re meant . I would never want this to feel like  waste of time on both sides and I don’t want to give up either. He wants to be mentally stimulated and apparently I haven’t been that for him. It doesn’t matter how much of a intellectual I am if we cannot see eye to eye . I’ve been a ride or die but if we cannot move forward we can’t fly high. I just have to trust my intuition because it always knows best lord knows I’ve been put to the test...

That of you inside my ears
Was hard to hear, but ever-clear.

That of you 'come out the mouth,
Was easy-heard, then brought more doubt.