Maybe I hurt myself...

To keep myself from hurting you...

With the thoughts begging to become actions...

I wonder what would happen,
If more people knew about how not cute OCD is.

If they knew about intrusive thoughts,
Thinking about killing yourself-

Throwing yourself in front of an amusement park ride,
Closing your eyes and walking into the street.

Stuck picking at your brain,
Ruining your day.

What would happen if...?
And knowing you shouldn't but REALLY want to.

It's not cute,
Love.

I hate how easy it would be
Because I love you so much
Your soft fur, so nice to pet
My pet, my friend.

So when you lie on my stomach
Sometimes, if my mind is murky that day,
I think about how easy it would be
With my giant hands and your delicate body
And your whiskers would twitch no more

And I hate that
I loathe that thought and fact
I don’t want to, obviously;
I’m no Michael Myers
It’s the same with my phone when I stand in front of a lake
Or when I could tear a final exam in two
I know I could

I hate that I can
It shouldn’t be so easy
And I don’t even think deeply when it occurs
But maybe knowing we could
Is the reason none of us do

Old thoughts haunting me
I messed up
I did something wrong
I wasn't enough

I should pay
I used to accept my fate
Take the defeat and revel in it
Love the pain

But now I have another voice
In my head, a reason to fight
Usually a landslide victory, easy
But tonight is different

Tonight I'm losing a battle
I didn't realise I was fighting

Those involuntary thoughts of hurting yourself,
to cut yourself,
to tear your body to pieces.
To cry without restraint.
To scream so hard your voice breaks.
To break into chunks of fat and mold,
colliding onto the floor.
To dissolve in the ocean,
To self-combust;
To be born again and whole.