I sit here
Wondering
Why can't I feel anything
Why do I feel so afraid
Like I can't trust anyone
I wish we could see the colors of someone
Right away
Like do they just want to take advantage of me
I wish I knew
Like  that's what happens
When your heart gets messed with so much
I don't know
I give up honestly
I am sick of trying to figure out who is good
And who is bad
I think being alone is great sometimes
Because even while trying to read people
I will still be happy
Because I will know
That even in my loneliness
I don't need to rely on others for my happiness
Writing is my focus
Family is my focus
Meeting other writers is my focus
Getting into a good college
But I think from now on
My writing will have how I feel
So whoever reads my work will know
I am telling a story
Because it's okay
To not know
And at this point in my life
I don't know
I don't care to know
Seeking happiness within writing

I understand what it means to hurt.
I understand the feeling of blood dripping,
until you don't feel the pain of life.
Yet, I don't understand what I should do.
What am I to do,
when I see scars on my friend's arm?
What am I to do,
when I see someone else swerve the car?
What am I to do,
when I feel like I'm the only person,
still trying to love?

I'm trying to write,
but it's not coming out...
right.
I'm trying to deal,
but nothing seem...
real.
I'm trying all of these things,
yet all I seem to keep doing,
is dream.

Ayo
What the **** is going on?
I really don’t know anymore...

"what do you want?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. listen to your heart."
"how do I do that?"
"close your eyes and breathe. you'll hear voices. that's your heart talking. what does it say?"
"I don't understand. It says get better. feel better. but i'm not sick."
"what makes you so sure it's talking about you? listen closer. concentrate."
"it says it wants YOU to feel better. it wants you to stop blaming yourself. to feel happy. to be proud."

In this life,

I wish I am invisible right now
For people not to see these tears
For them not know I'm in pain
For them to realize I am happy.

But then,

I can’t hold it in
I really wanted to burst it
I am too sad to smile
And I don’t know what to do.

And if I quit,

I will lose everything
I work so hard to be on this
But if you don't want me anymore
Maybe you were right,

Let’s just end this.

(but then I can't.)

‘I don’t know’.
That isn’t an excuse. That’s not the easy way out.
I genuinely do not know the answer to the question you’re asking.
Oh you’re frustrated?
Imagine how I feel!!
You just asked that question.
I have been asking that question my entire life.
“Why can’t you just..?”
I
             DON’T
                                   KNOW !
I want to scream,
to cry,
to be heard in some way !!
and not because I need the attention but because I genuinely have something to say..
Something worth hearing..
I’m scared of what’s in my mind.
I’m scared that I’m running out of time.
I’m scared to be alone because I don’t trust myself.
Not around scissors.
Not around pills.
Not around myself.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know how it feels
to not trust yourself
around yourself?
I am at war.
   My mind
        vs
       Me
with my heart as a witness,
my soul as the prize
and my body, the battlefield.
I wonder..
Will I be a causality?

Are you asking me out?
Do you like me?
How do you know my favorite color?
Why do you care about me?
Did you want to eat there?
Should I be your girlfriend?
Should I marry you?
So you didn't want to move?
Why can't I have kids?
How come I feel sick all the time?
Do you want to go to the doctor with me?
Are you sure I should start the treatments?.....

Can you live without me?