Dear Me a Year Ago, 
If I did my math correctly you just started high school, and I'm going to tell you right up front it's going to be hell. But you are going to meet some of your closest friends this year, you are going to learn a lot, and you are going to change. You are going to have some of the best and worst moments of your life this year. But if I had to give you some advice, it would be this---

Laugh. Smile. Cry. Make mistakes. Then make more. But never make the same mistake twice. Step out of your comfort zone. If someone compliments you just say thank you. If someone waves to you wave back, this person may end up as your friend. Don't bottle things up. If you are scaring yourself go stay with a friend, don't be alone. Light **** on fire, trust me, it helps. When you find out your aunt has cancer don’t fear the worst. Don't take yourself, or others too seriously. Beware of *******. Don't live in the past, but don't live in the future either. If someone invites to do something, go. Don't hold on to those who've hurt you. Don't let anxiety rule your life. Know that there is still hope. If you need someone to talk to, message them, call them, anything, they will listen and it will help. Have emotional breakdowns. Then have more. Be yourself. Wear band shirts everyday if that makes you happy. Know that it's okay to be weak, and it's okay to be strong too. Know that there are people who care. Breathe. Remember the way it feels to be happy, because that will pull you through the worst days of your life. Keep playing guitar, you will start to **** less eventually. Listen you your music too loud. Remember relapse happens, and that's okay. Write ****** poetry, because that seems to help too. Break into abandoned places, just to see what’s inside.  Drink copious amounts of coffee. Make stupid decisions.

But most importantly stay alive. I know this sounds cliche, butI promise things can get better, and I am still trying to get heal, and it's hard, and there are still days when I don't want to do this any longer, but it's getting easier to get out of bed in the morning. So keep fighting  this, and never give in.  

Sincerely, 
A better you

I push and shove as I try to get through
Having to deal with people stepping on my shoes
No one wants to be late
Pushing and shoving trying to get to thier class that awaits

Some people say I work too hard

I agree

I work too hard trying to keep my head above water
I work too hard trying to impress other people
I work too hard trying to suppress my emotions
I work too hard trying to 'stay strong' in the face of ridicule
I work too hard trying to keep my teachers happy

And honestly

I work too hard trying to act like I don't

I was bullied from kindergarten to freshman year.

I loved to imagine a tall boy
three inches taller exactly,
just tall enough that
each kiss would have to happen
on my tip toes
and riding on his back
would feel just like
flying.

His hair would be dark brown
and his eyes would be
unremarkable
a brown so dark that others
would think it black
no one else would get close enough
to tell the difference
and no one else would love them
as I did
just as I hoped my eyes would look
to someone else
some day.

He wouldn’t speak much
to other people
his words would mean much
but only to those
who could understand what he meant
and I would be the first
to major in his language
but I would never teach it
to any but our children.

He would look at me
like I personally rose the sun
and hung the stars at night
I would be so high in his regard
that my word would be law
and he would never doubt
anything I said
and even when I lied
obvious and wide eyed
sarcasm dripping from my lips
he would believe me

He would visit me in school
to sit with me at lunch
walking slowly
past the girls who told me
‘no one will ever love you’
and ‘who would ever want to kiss
a face like yours?’
He would prove them wrong right there
at the table they shunned me to
kissing me in full view of everyone.

He would dress in leather
and his hair would be greased
combed back just like a bad boy
he would have a motorcycle
and a car he never drove
and his jeans would be
perfectly between baggy and skinny

He would call me
His Girl
and if anyone messed with me
he would narrow his eyes in such a way
that made them fear for their lives
My bullies would never bother me again.

He would describe my skin
with words like silky, soft and succulent
ebony, stately, and irresistible
but never would he compare its color
to any sort of food
except perhaps sugar
when speaking of the taste.

I built him in the lonely hours
when eyes followed me
and whispers rose behind my back
I made sure that for every insult
tossed my way like live grenades
he threw back with easy confidence
as though my life were a game of COD.

My hair was never too wild
too big or too ‘ethnic’
My lips were just the right size
to **** the breath straight from my lungs
He didn’t care if I shaved my legs
and he liked my sense of style.
He didn’t mind if I was wearing
basketball shorts and too big tshirts,
and he told me that tight clothing
left nothing to the imagination anyway
and besides he didn’t want the other boys
to see what they’d missed.
He didn’t care that I was as boyish
as I was shy
and he knew that the wall I built around myself
wasn’t all there was to me
and he always knew just what I needed,
and sometimes when I was lonely
he showed up just to give me a hug.

And when I got to high school
He shaped how I saw things
He always told me I was beautiful
and if no one else could see that, it was their loss.
He told me that there was never anything wrong with me
and if no one else could see that
then **** Them and All They Stand For.

He faded back into my subconsciousness,
speaking to me though I never truly
thought of him the way he’d been
He stopped bursting into classrooms
to show others what they were missing
and he started whispering an idea
that I didn’t need him anymore.

I would pass a reflection of myself
and He would lift my chin
‘Look how beautiful you are.’
He knew when I was sad,
and promised it was only temporary.
He smiled and gave me thumbs up
when I doubted and shook with nerves.
And with him I could cope.
And soon without him I could too.

Now when I passed mirrors
I lifted my chin myself.
‘Look how beautiful I am’.
and when I was sad
I told myself it was only temporary.
I gave myself smiles,
and I laughed at myself,
and I learned to love me as I’d always imagined
he did.
Unconditionally.

She wakes up late
With only 4 hours of sleep again
She wears only black and white
Hoping to fade away like an old memory
She starts to be sick
Why is she like this
Nothing is wrong yet
So why is she trying to cough up herself
She heads to school a cloud brewing
Over her head hatred lies
Her life it's pursuing
Can't eat all day
Lies and says she's okay
Accepts hugs
That's proof that something really is wrong
Her openly seeking physical affection
She sees him a few times today
The boy she wants in passing through halls
And caught a brief glimpse of the girl he loves
Rarely seen nowadays
Then she sits in class with a boy she doesn't understand
The boy she needs was there too all along
Never far when it matters
He gives her what she needs
She loves him so much
Come the 4th hour in
Somehow she turns around
Pain for laughter
Unknown comfort found

I have seen people change
Some for the better some for the worse
I have felt myself getting older, forming my own opinions
I have watched as friendships fade, some being my own

I have learned to try new things
I have stepped out of my comfort zone
Finding I like it better in there
I have laughed and cried not knowing why

I am finding things about myself I didn't even know
I have learned not to let my feelings show
I have been down and I have been up, finding that up is the better option
I have learned to worry less and smile more, I'm far too young to care

When I feel as if nothing could go right
I smile and thank God for another day
I have found music can make me feel better
And people can change you and shape you

I have had new people introduced into my life
Finding that there is always a story behind the eyes
I have had people share with me the secrets they try to hide
Leaving me speechless with a sad smile not knowing why

I felt pure and blissful joy dancing to my favorite music
I have found that the only answer is God
But that it's easier said than done
And that when you think you can handle it on your own, you need Him

Put your worries in his hands and you will find peace
To love yourself as much as God loves you
Because there is nothing He wants more
Take time, be free, be happy, just simply be