I try, but I can’t.
It becomes a long lost friend.
No longer am I able to escape.
My mind starts to run,
I became out of breath.
Suffocating.
All I need is a breath of air.
But, that seems like a far-fetched dream.
I start to collapse.
“Help me!”
Discovering I can’t speak.
Thunder starts booming.
The storm rolls in.
Is this a war I cannot win?

2 a.m. and I don't  understand
can I help you go to sleep?
can I show you how to dream?
your body's full of thoughts but I'll fill your thoughts with me

just tell me something like you've known me forever
because I've never been good at the getting to know you part

tell me something that'll make me remember
because I just can't seem to forget

tell me something that'll make you feel better
because I've never been good at showing I'm there

tell me something like you know it all
because I really believe that you do

talk to me like you waited all day
touch me like you care
hug me like you need some relief
I'll hold you 'til you're calm

you can run through the field 'til your legs fall off
and I'll be your scream into a pillow

you can be the lost kid, hidden in the darkness
and I'll be the darkness that took you

fix me like I'm the drink to soothe you
that way you'll take me in

see I'm pretty broken
and yeah I broke you too
but if we can glue our halves together
the light might just show through

now, sleep
please
show me the way to dream

sometimes i need to sleep,
and my words will get misspelled,
and my head with get wavy,
and my music will surround me.

i'll get this high that i've never felt,
and it lets me live, momentarily.
it gives me meaning to my life.

the separate reality that is sleep deprivation
that makes me see spots in my vision,
and makes me stumble,
and makes me appreciate the music distracting me
from the problems of my day.

the sleepy texts i send before my eyes close for a few hours,
knowing i'd have to be awake sooner or later.
i find myself taking naps that i call rest
because no one cares enough to see the bags under my eyes.

or how puffy and red they are.
or the scars on my body growing more and more prominent.
or the way my smile seems forced.

no one sees me.
and i think that's okay.

White walls enclose me.
I stare at them intently,
as if they'll do something different.
As if they'll encourage me to become something different.
Something other than this mess that I've become.

White walls enclose me.
Slowly, they get closer.
They shrink around me until there is no room to breathe.
I take in a ragged breath,
hoping that someone will come and break me free.
...no one comes.

White walls enclose me.
I know that I don't enjoy being locked inside this cage,
who would?
But at the same time,
I don't think that I would enjoy being free.
Is it wrong to think that I should be trapped?
That I should be controlled?
I don't think so.

White walls enclose me.
They are so close,
I would venture to say that they run along my skin,
that they are a part of me.
These are the white walls that will forever run my life.
I'm not the only one who has them.
I'm not the first to feel trapped and alone,
even though I know that it is all my fault.
I know that I could break free anytime,
but instead,
I just wait,
staring at
white walls.

They say that
Life is a journey.
But they’re wrong.
But it’s been much more than that.

All my life,
I’ve been running.
Sometimes,
It catches up and slows me down.
When I’m out of breath,
I can’t stop.
I can’t quit.
I can’t let go.
I can’t fail.
I can’t deal with life.

I just have to keep running…
Life’s a marathon.

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can sleep for ten thousand years
where i can run from all these demons

when i can close my eyes
when i can forget how good it is to hurt

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can smile without pain behind my eyes
where i can stop picking at my nails to keep me from screaming

when i can breathe
when i can clear my mind and the tears from my eyes

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i see the good in people
where darkness doesn't leak into every crack in the light

when i can stand up straight and proud
when i don't have to hide every flaw

is there a place
is there a mindset

where i can be free

         .  .  .  .  
        
it's called home