How am I supposed to react
When inside my own body
I feel so trapped

I'm expected to be what I present
But that doesn't reflect me
And this person you see, I've began to resent

Her pronouns don't feel like mine
And they haven't for a while
But changing them has helped over time

Sometimes it feels okay
Others I can't take it
Because how I feel changes day to day

The girl you see who wears the skirts
Who wears makeup to be confident
Isn't a girl at all, and feels like dirt

When you call me beautiful
I don't know how to feel
It feels so unusual

My body doesn't feel like mine
It belongs to a woman
If it didn't maybe I'd feel fine

My clothes don't reflect me
Neither does my makeup
This isn't who I want to be

I'm scared I'll never look neutral
Maybe you'll always see a girl
It just feels so brutal

The person you raised
Isn't who I grew into
I'm a new person today

I've never came out
But it's because I'm still so unsure
And if I told you you'd feel doubt

You raised a girl
Not someone doesn't feel right
A child who'd grow to wear dresses and pearls

I was always your princess
Never your prince or neither
But I've never felt secure in a dress

I'll never feel feminine
Not how you perceive it
But how I feel it is relevant

The tiara never fit my head quite right
And the long hair felt wrong
I wish I could change overnight

One day you'll know
I'll explain it all to you
But until then, I'll continue to grow

and i know what its like to be used
and i dont know how to get to sleep
and i know how to shush my crying
and i dont know how to write a formal email
and i know how to be used
and i dont know how to act my own age
and i know what its like to be heartbroken
and i dont know how to feel
and i know what its like to cut  
and i dont know what a non-toxic relationship is
and i know what its like to not wanna be alive  
what do i learn when im 16?

is it possible
to view the past with an affectionate eye?
will i stop judging
critiquing
cringing
at every thing i’ve ever done?
what is childhood
what is innocence
if not for the blissful ignorance that accompanies it?
i miss being a child
to be free
uncaring
i could change if i wanted to
but i guess i fear change
who doesn’t

You have done some things you are not proud of.
What'd happen If I told them?
What'd happen if they knew?
You were young, you were angry,
you were horrible, you were everything you hate now.

You hurted so many people
and disappeared.
Why did you do it?
Why would you take your pain
and put it on someone else?

It was not her fault she didn't love you.
It wasn't his fault. He couldn't know.

Yes, you were a mess,
but that's no excuse.
No, you can't change the past.
I don't even know If "I'm sorry" would be enough.

You couldn't love
cause you didn't know how to love yourself.
You thought hate
was your only weapon against the world.

Will she accept your apologies
or will she act is if she doesn't know you
the way that you did?

Will he forgive you
or forget
just like you?

You were full of poison and you killed many flowers
on your way here.
What are we gonna do, Jude?

I'll light a candle for us
and I'll try to be a better man.
It's all I can do
that'll bring a change.

A place that I don’t know
A path that I cant take
A language I dont speak
I will not hesitate

I am never coming home

The penance I have paid
The life I’ve been denied
The secrets that nearly broke me
It’s a wonder I’m alive

I am never looking back

It is fate that brought me here
My heart I’ll follow through
Til death or destiny one way on
To myself I will be true

I am never giving up

You don't know me.
I read books, listen to music, watch movies, meet friends.
I cook, I bake, I drink,  sometimes to much.
I learn new things, sometimes not enough.
I work, eat, sleep , repeat.
I draw, I wirte, I exercise.
I try to date to the date.
I have good days and I have bad days.
I struggle everyday, more than you can see.
I do all these things, trying out new ways to be me,
  that you know nothing about.

Now you don't get to look down on,
Don't you dare try lecturing me.

For you left when I was a child
and didn't care to visit.
Now you're back in my life
but it's not for my good, is it?

I owe you nothing.
Keep your distance.