I envisioned each of my cavities as bad memories, the fillings able to lock them up so I wouldn’t have to feel them so wholeheartedly anymore. These fillings didn’t last forever though and when they wore off the past came back with a persistent vengeance.
The dentist would play these celestial piano songs that would tune out the sound of the drill. Sometimes i felt like I could get closer to you in these moments. Forced to stare up at the ceiling, I wondered if this was what you too saw in your last fleeting moments.

The novacane made me realize I didn’t want to be numb anymore, I wanted to take everything in and get over it but that’s not how grieving works. You don’t call the shots, you only hold on for your life hoping that the end, although nowhere near in sight, is good to you.
My first poem was about you, how you’re like the sunset. Now looking back I realize you are the sunrise, washing away the worries of yesterday. Bringing in new light and a clean slate, Your smile is the beginning not the end. I refuse to use past tense when it comes to you because I keep you alive with the words I speak and the memories I keep.

Whenever I’m lost I wake for the sunrise and find myself again.
Whenever I feel like I lost you I wake for the sunrise and find you again.

It is time to find yourself
What may have been your destiny
Has become a whispering voice
Sit next to me my friend
Tell me what you hear
Burden me with your grief
Ask me the questions of life
And though I may answer
I cannot change the past
Yet I wish to comfort you
To tell you of your beauty
Of the dignity within your pain
Of the purity of your thoughts
Of the worth in your suffering
For you, life has begun
You have known love and loss
Every emotion has become yours
You may begin again
With the wisdom of living
Of being a human being
With no fear of misunderstanding
With the honesty of one who grieves
Unafraid of sadness
Unafraid to bear your heart
Unafraid to cry
Unafraid to pray
Worthy of good
Worthy of blessings
Worthy of love
To receive
And to give
For as you knew to love your children
Now too you know how to say goodbye
It is the message you could only feel
Not from your parents
But from life
As not everything can be taught
We cannot be taught sadness
We do not seek this lesson
Though we know it is written
And while the world sleeps around you
You are now awake
Forever
Because life never sleeps for those who have suffered
But should life be easy or hard?
We experience day and night
But there is light at night
And shadows by day
And shadows by night
And light by day
There is good
And bad
In time you will know the answer
It will come to you along your new path
As you compare your misfortunes
With those of others
In the knowing that all men must perish
And that our time is not for our glory
But for his
And in this you find your place
So that you may heal again
As you ready yourself again for your life
Yes
Sit next to me my friend
And unburden yourself
For in troubles
We come closer to God
And in comfort
We come closer to each other

I will wear you until the threads begin twiddling into former ghosts of themselves.

The last wooly remnants still slightly smell like your woodsy scent and that’s why I don’t go camping anymore.

It’s not because I hate the thought of you but I’ve Always hated kicking someone down when they’re just beginning to get back up and the thought of you does that to me.

The memory of that truck doused in flames on the way to Washington remains in my overworked brain still. The smell of burnt, charcoaled tires and metal prominent in the chilly December air. I never feared fire until I put myself in the shoes of that lonesome truck driver and that was the night I wanted to try dying a little as an attempt to get closer to you.

You see it’s not death that paralyzes my emotions and sends me into a numb, fearful state. The thought of regrets and things left unsaid with people, that didn’t understand what I was going through at the time is what gets my anxiety pumping.
Oh, why do I wear this sweater despite the warmth outside? To thaw the frost surrounding my heart

We were both in such a dark place,
looking to feel anything.
And while you were looking,
I guess you found me.
We tried to **** happiness into each other,
**** the sadness away.
But no matter how many nights of
hot moans and heaving breathing on my neck,
nothing changed how we felt.
I found my way out of that hell,
but you buried yourself in it long ago,
but today your body joined you.
And I know I can work magics but
oh my gosh Ben,
not even I can **** the life into you now.

Letting go is the wind during a storm, your emotions playing a tug of war.
No she isnt ready, let her grieve, let the stars give her a sign when she may start to be her old self again.
But what if this old self does not exist anymore. this new one is the real you,formed by tears, divorce, death, drinking and things your eyes cannot unsee. your friends say
"why are you so quite today?whats wrong"
i feel like shouting "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME."
what if i want to be secluded in my own thoughts.
im still grieving
Let Me Remember What Could Have Been.

Her eyes are blank like glass stones
And I have no words to soften them.
Panic and pain paint her visage gravely.
I think she can still see me,
But in her insanity nothing registers.
Decrepit vessel of lost wisdom;
Empty orbs with no more vision,
This is worse than death.
It is a slow loss with creeping expectations.
It is a deep cost that clears my pockets,
And empties my reserve of will.
This is grief in the eyes of the giver,
And grief in the eyes of the receiver;
Sorrow for the lost and for the ones
Who are bound to leave her.
In short breaths this is goodbye.

Beep
Beep
Beep

And it's thanksgiving

Beep
Beep
Beep

The parade is geared to go
And you,
In your dress of white
More beautiful
Than every day
Of spring
Combined

Your hands like ice.

Beep
Beep
Beep

fluorescent lights
And glossy eyes,

My love,
I wish we had more time.

step back, correct your own mistakes
respect our mourning, don't deflect what you'll regret in the end
you haven't only disrespected us, you've neglected taking into consideration my fathers wishes.
take care of us
being unaffected shows your carelessness.
cause' we won't stick around forever, now remember never bring another man into this home.
Its your house, but our home.
why can't you ask yourself, what would dad think about this
he is gone, but not a moment is forgotten.
you've crossed a line, you can't come back from.

IF I could have stopped you.
I would have jumped in my car, raced to Hohenwald,  and slung gravel as I sped down your driveway, braked fiercely to stop inches from that guest house,  and fly out  from the inside of my car,  screaming, "Don't do it!  I'm here,   Uncle Brandon!  I love you! We all love you! "
I would have ran up the cedar steps, kicked the door in with my foot,  and yelled as loud as I could until you answered me.
No matter how many times I yell at your headstone, you never answer me.
You were a cowboy, traveling all over the country,  and seeing sights that many would never witness in their lifetime.
You had broken every bone in your body twice
you had a sense of humor
intelligent (two degrees), both in English and Teaching.
You had dreams of being a lawyer and
a college professor.
Only you were a cowboy first.
You loved to ride,  and you loved with a heart bigger than Montana sky.
I wish you had not left.
I miss seeing your dark brown matted hair, peeking from beneath your torn,  curved cowboy hat as you tipped it at me, with a wink,  adding, "See you when the wind changes"
You were a poet.
I think of you when I write,  and part of me still blames myself for not telling anyone about seeing you at my work that night.  You looked awful and I knew something was wrong,  but I didn't say anything--I have no clue why.  
You loved life,  why did you leave?
You had love,  why did you look?
We were your family,  why did you leave?  
I shouldn't be typing this
You are dead.
The world lost a true cowboy.
A man that lived by the sweat of his brow,  and the dirt on his clothes.
I would have stopped you.  I would have grabbed that gun,  and hugged you for the longest time,  and then I would have saddled up your horse and one for me.
Then the four of us would trot along to the highest hill we could find,  and I would watch the sun move across the sky, and tell you that every sunset of every day is always different, so you don't need to miss a single one.

Uncle Brandons last poem
   Im riding. Riding this way is like playing a finely tuned instrument, at times delicate, at other times powerful... The true artist can play with equal dexterity a soft ballad or a crashing march.