When I  die
        (if my parents don't know)
        remember to weigh me judiciously with authorial intent.

Don't let my father go to the front
and tell everyone what a good daddy's girl I was
        how I loved fishing with him
        and wore my camo pants like a champ.
                                I was 2.
                                I didn't know better.

Don't let my mother's lip tremble
or let her say how much my writing made her cry
        how I spent my evenings worshiping textbooks
        and typing til 2 am for large red A's on my papers.
                                I was worshiping the body and mind of a guy
                                who never wanted me back.

Don't let my father see my body
        the tattoo next to my left hip bone
        the one I got my freshman year
                                because why the **** not.

Don't let my mother see my face
        the rings in my lip and nose and ears
        because they told me only ***** had those
                                and I wanted to see if they were right.

Don't let my father tell stories afterwards
        all my achievements and awards
        every 100% I ever gave.
                                He never told them to me.
                                He only has pride in the dead.

Don't let my mother tell stories afterwards
        because she'll get them right
        but tell them wrong.
                                She'll either laugh or cry halfway through
                                and I don't know which is worse.

Don't let my father sing the hymns
        or even say how much he loved hearing my voice.
                                I could never hear myself over him.

Don't let my mother lament that I never sang for her
        she knew why
                                she married him.

Don't let them tell you how I was a good Catholic girl
        who always went to mass
        and prayed the rosary on roadtrips
        and never ate meat on Fridays during Lent (not even on accident).
                                I stopped going to mass after freshman year
                                and never prayed while driving
                                and made it a point to eat as much meat
                                                            ­            as I possibly ******* could.

Don't let them tell you how I was a good sister
        how excited I was when she was born
        so helpful and caring.
                                She never fell off the bed when she was little.
                                I kicked her.

But especially don't let them trick you into thinking I was perfect.
        I do not want to be canonized by my parents
                who knew so little
                        and saw even less
                                because I hid myself away
                                        so they wouldn't be
                                                disappointed.

I­n fact,
don't let them come at all.
They'll be mourning the wrong girl.

I used to look at your smile and laugh
but now it makes me cry
because you're no longer amongst us in the physical world
you are only the memories I desperately cling to
the pictures I kiss every day
you are a spirit in the sky

My friend, the sweetest I had ever known
he would give you the shirt off his back
if you needed it you know
and even if he didn't have any to give, he would dig deep for a stranger
Because he knew and understood the struggle
and he knew the love of the Word
and he knew the love of a child
and he had the best laugh you'd have ever heard

I wish I could feel your hugs again
they were the best
I could be hurt, sad, lonely, and just the sight of you lifted Satan off my chest

You were too good to be here
I guess that's why God took you so soon

You were better fit for His kingdom
and if I ever get to see you again,
then I hope I am too.

I've never believed in heaven before.
But I can't let myself believe you're really gone.
I have never before wanted, a life after death.
until you left me alone in this life.

I am selfish.
I want you back.

You were the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and i love you with all of my soul.
so wait for me, in whatever is coming.
Because I believe in you.

I cry tears of laughter thinking of all the amazing memories I shared with you
I cry tears of immense sadness because I will never create a memory with you again

My friend

I looked forward to your hugs
I looked forward to your smile
Though as we got older and life got in the way there wasn't enough time
And that was my biggest regret yet

My friend

I miss you so much I cannot even imagine what your family, your brothers, your sisters, your parents
...what they have to endure

My friend

My emotion takes no form as it hits the page because in writing of you I could go on for days
I wonder where you've been
how often you come and go
Since there is no longer limitations to your soul

My friend

I love you so much
I miss you even more
I look at your picture and I still shed these tears as if I've never bled before
You were the universe to all of us
The sun the moon the stars and the sky

*My friend