Beautiful Flower
Golden, blue, and dark green
Captured in the vase

Lead
I wake up and my head is as heavy as lead
The bed is hugging me tightly
telling me that if I stay, ill be safe
The bed drown me comfortingly
with the tears that I've wept

Sting
My eyes sting from the lack of sleep
they sting like my tears are poison
I walk to school obstinately
because I know I am part of a hoard fo depressed children
trying not to succumb to the urge to **** themselves
before the gunman does that job for us


Black
While I'm writing my 3rd essay this week
a black cloud suffocates me
its smoke climbing its way into my airway
turning into ink as it enters my lungs
I walk around with the cloud

Cry
I am trying to keep myself together
when we get a division problem
a simple equation that anyone could do
but I forget how to divide by 5
I feel the tears crawling from my chest
I start to feel like I cant breath
I choke down the tears

Pills
I have to take pills now
they help
I'm not ashamed of it
though I'm scared
I'm scared that if I run out
I'm going to hurt myself...
But I won't. I need to have confidence in myself

Please seek help

Strike the lighter-
It only burns a bit.
Get the needle-
Press it to your skin.
Tell yourself-
"Never again."
But you always give in.
Porcelain skin.
White as snow.
Wounds that easily show.
Polluted skin.
Littered in shame.
Riddled in pain.
Cover it up.
Conceal the hurt.

please put the blade down, put the alcohol down, put the pills back in the bottle, put the rope back in the garage, put the belt back on the rack, put the gun back in the safe, and throw that note away. instead, pick up the phone and call someone you love, pick up the pen and paper and write how you feel, call 1-800-273-8255, cry it out, punch a pillow, go hug your parents. because let me tell you, as tempting as it is, death is not the answer. you may think you're doing everyone a favor; you may think everyone is better off, but honey that's just not true. your friends will search for you in everyone new they meet, they will search for a laugh that sounds like yours or a joke that sounds like one you would tell or a personality that even slightly resembles yours, in hopes to catch a glimpse of you. they will think of you during the day and will dream of you at night. they will think of every single thing you have ever said to them and wonder what they missed, what they could have done better and why things are as ****** up as they are. your mom will be completely broken. every piece of her heart will be scattered along, all over the place. your dad will shut down emotionally, wondering what more he could've taught you and wondering if he was really that bad of a father. please understand you will break more hearts than you think youd be saving. losing you will put clouds over peoples heads and bitterness and grief in their hearts. please, do not do it. do not take away the most precious thing you own. your life. please. you are worth so much more. someone out there loves you.

See me?
Truly see me?
Past my eyes that feign innocence
and past my smile that feign happiness?
Would you see me?
That I decaying in my body.
In my prime, my youth?
See how fear eats away at me.
See how depression has chained me.
See how my white mask falls and
and bare witness to the fact
That I was never okay.

I wake up with a stabbing pain,
I force myself to wake up from this nightmare,
and when I finally look in the mirror...
"Wait, what? How did that happen?"

There's violet and crimson marks on me.
They're encapsulating me,
making me feel like I deserved this,
and I did.

The shrinks in their ivory towers tell you
To not be afraid,
Stand up for yourself,
Show them what you're made of, and to
Never back down.

I'm pinned to the floor,
and my legs are paralyzed.
I was left in a puddle of my own pulpy, ****** mess.

and it's my fault.

His voice echoes in my mind.

"Maybe if you didn't act this way, I wouldn't do this,
You're a terrible person and I feel sorry for the people who think you're not. Nobody loves you. People would throw you out in the street if they knew what you've done."

That was the night that he took everything from me,
He took my freedom,
He took my ability to communicate,
He took everything from me,
And he doesn't know why.

Sometimes, I don't know why he does these things.

Isolation consumes me like cable news telecasters consume the minds of sheep, and everyone is programmed to think and act as if the world is coming to an end.

Everyone acts like a victim.

There's two parts to such an accusation;
Victimization
Survival

But, there's a third part that no one tells you about.
Coping mechanisms

I can't stand up for myself.
"You're worthless."

I can't show them what I'm made of.
"Nobody loves you."

Berating, belittling, and biting me with your words.
It shows more scars on me than your fists.

"Why do you do this to me?"
"You must not care about how I feel."
"Why are your crying? Are you pitying yourself?"
"Have you realized that what you've done is wrong?"
"When will you learn?"

I'm not your child.
I'm not your lover.


Make a safety plan,
Get out while you still can,
Don't blame yourself.

You have every right to react the way you want
When he's not treating you right.

Don't let him gaslight you.


You've been through this before.

Don't let him get to you.

You're better than that.

You

are

a

survivor.

Sip, sip, sip, is how it starts out
when you're feeling a little down.
Clug, clug, clug, is when it could end
when you're nearly about to drown.

Sad and depressed, motivates the hand
to delve into the cans in the fridge.
One by one, this helps you no?
By twelve I feel like slipping from a bridge.

"I'm a **** man, let's break out the Jack."
My body numb, the pain subsides away.
Emotions mean nothing, neither does life
I got in my car, and reversed out my driveway.

Not really knowing, where I would be going
my mind buried deep down in a hole.
Following the lines on the outskirt of town
they lied and took me head on in a pole.

When I was found, people couldn't believe,
the horrific picture they'd seen.
My parents never imagined, this day would come
they would suffer a funeral for their teen.

Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the silence of the forest?
Not a sound penetrates these dense thickets of brown and green,
and when you walk you can feel the stillness,
the tranquillity and serene.
Footsteps stir the dust creating a blizzard, it stays when you progress,
even the earth's natural instinct is to dissolve back into nothing.
The forest light never shines, and come to think of it neither does mine,
because i've travelled deep enough in and there is no returning.


The fauna here is beautiful, so much life when there is death,
birds chirping out their sweet call as if begging for me to not end this nature walk,
and when I do I know they wont stop chirping, their life will go on,
as will you when you come to terms with what I've done.
I have to find the perfect spot and more than not a perfect place,
because when I leave this earth I want to give back to natures grace.
I will be a bird,
free to explore the next journey without the burden of the world.
I am ready, I want to fly with the assistance of my noose I wont have to stay alive.
Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the stillness of the forest?
because I do not make a sound.