i think i'm deserving of something good.

i walked, ran, and stayed in hell.
i forgave people who hurt who hurt me.
at a very young age, my entire world collapsed on top of me over and over again.
i still remember hearing the judge tell my parents about the word 'neglect'.
i remember everything.
i remember the house shaking and i still hear the doors slam and people yelling if i close my eyes long enough.
i can still see the police men outside the front door.
i can still feel the punch that winded me.
i relived everyday three times, twice if i was lucky.
i've been used and been told that i am the reason that god never listens to me.

but i think that i deserve more than that.
because i wasn't those people who hurt me.
i hurt myself but i'm not my parents or my siblings or the mean people at school who made fun of me.
i forgave everyone and am trying to forgive myself even though i know i did
nothing
wrong.

so why?

don't i deserve to breathe? don't i deserve something good?

Maybe I’m naive
Or maybe all the things I wish for can be achieved
The hate I have for you is shifty, I could never hate you completely
There are times when I get crazy but five minutes into it I get lazy
I don’t have the energy to keep the ******* up, you might see it as half empty but I see a half full cup.
In all honesty the drama makes me choke and at the end of the night I hope we can laugh it off like a joke.
Some would say I’m too forgiving yet unrelenting.
I have a soft heart but please don’t let me start.
I don’t like myself when I’m angry, there’s so much more love can free
Anger puts you in a cage, nothing drags you down more than rage
Love let’s you breathe, pushes you to be the best you can be.
When I look at you I see passed the mean charade,  and see you for what you are.
The man I fell in love with, the sweet gentle lover. You haven’t been that man for so long now, he seems like a myth.
You have so much hateful **** to say, I wish I could just shut you up when I tell you it’ll be okay

I found comfort
In a house on fire
With flaming curtains wrapped around my neck

6 figures versus 5
But no one noticed a difference
The falling leaves burned on the grounds
And the tree branches stabbed the earth

Hear I am in the third degree
With a home turned to ashes
Invisible to everyone
But me
-S.M

It’s crazy

Crazy how someone can care so deeply about you
But they can’t help from hurting you
Betrayal at its finest is what it is


When will I heal?
When will I forgive?


Because I want him here to be my rock
And I want to trust him again but I’m still stuck

Stuck on how he chose up
Stuck on how he switched up
Stuck on that feeling I had deep in my heart
Stuck on the memory that still tears me apart


I can’t forget no matter how much I try
things will never be the same
My trust is one thing he can never fully regain


Playing myself like a fool is one thing I cannot do
No matter how much he claims to have switched the way he moves


When he looks into my eyes he sees the pain
That very same pain I felt when everything changed
when I look in his eyes I see adorement
but still and yet I can’t see us making this commitment

He is mine...Though I doubt this to be fully true
And I long to be his but will we see this through


When will I heal?
When will I forgive?


Will I ever find more love for him ...to give?

I’m not saying I wasn’t a good person, but YOU bring out the best in me.
I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy alone time, but sharing with YOU is most fulfilling.
I’m not saying I was not expressive, but YOU're the only one to know everything.
I’m not saying we never fought, but YOU're always the first to make amends.
I’m not saying our relationship was perfect, but YOU make it happier with every passing day.
So, how can you think that I don’t love you just cause I’M not saying it everyday?!