And so I rest

as if every dream that has been




never was to begin with

I held onto something I dreamt up.
and it was warm, alive even-
How could it be a lie?

Every time I leave the place
I think if it’s the last time mum
If I may not make it back at all
Or you may not desire my return
Every time I cuddle up to you at night
I wonder whether in future the bed would be cold
If my heart would know my soul
If my feet would ever be warm
I wonder if I’d have a place at all
Every time I eat meals with you
I try to cherish every bite, remember the taste
For I may never get the chance
Once you know the waste I am
Every time we talk alone
I put a little of me out for you intensely
But pull back a whole lot in, out of scrutiny
I soften the eventual heartbreak I think
Every moment we drift apart
I tell you I love you
Coz if it’s a goodbye, or the beginning of one for good
We would have some memory
Laced with love, fear, and pain for me
For you, with regret, anger, and love maybe
I wonder how the goodbye would be
Will you still love me
Will you still be proud of me
Will you speak with me, or of me
If not, will you let me off easily
If I live, how good would it be
 
Every time you caress me dad
I wonder who you think I am
Who the person is you shower your love on
Who the person is you speak of so proudly
Who the person is, instilling doubt in me
Mocking my existence
Questioning my worth every second
Would you love me, no matter the identity
Every time you bring treats for me
I wonder if you would let my love materialize
If I would get my chance to hold you
To be the one to create fragments of joy for you
If I would still be welcomed at your place
If your arms would still be my niche
And not represent the shackles
I sometimes imagine them to be
Does it make me bad, papa
To even imagine you as villain
Far from the hero you used to be
Every time a father and daughter fill my screen
I wonder if we’d have a happy ending
If I would be allowed to love, and to live
Or traditions would eat me up, inch by inch
I wonder how the goodbye would be
If you’ll regret my existence
Or simply forget me
Well you may forgive me
And continue to love me
I hope you stand up for me
When the society stands against me
I hope you still hold your head up high
When there may not seem to be any reason, but me
Proud of the me I will be, the me I am, and the one I used to be
In case you don’t, let the goodbye be gentle
I may still have somewhere to be
Where deafening silence would prevail, of peace and clarity
Occasionally disturbed by small cries of a beautiful destiny
 
The walls I built around to keep me safe
Don’t promise the things I sometimes crave
I look through the window, the knowns and unknowns
And at times I can feel the life surge closely
The hugs, the smiles, and the experiences go right to my core
Trespassing all the atoms of the bricks, holding promise of more
But I wish nothing breaks these walls
The trade-off of love and safety, I can never knock off
Can’t drop it in favor of love, when I know what it costs
Helpless gamble for me and love
I wonder what the goodbye would be
End of the walls, or endless safety.

Expected to know what to write.
Expected to fill these pages with wonderous words.
Expected to be good at that.
Expected to be a natural.
Expected to be the best.
Expected to be successful.
Expected to be more.
Expected to do more.
Expected to know what to say and exactly when to say it.
Expected to be kind, always.
Expected to be "normal".
Expected to grow up mentally past my years.
Expected to make a lot of money.
Expected to know what I want
Expected to know what I don't want.
Expected to get over it.
Expected to change more.
Expected to never change.
Expected to not be destructive.
Expected to always be happy.
Expected to make other people happy and keep them that way.
Expected to live.
Expected to recover.
Expected to want to recover.
Expected to live.
I've said that.

Lipstick whisper
Fake lash twinkle
Silicon Valley
In your body

You call me ugly girl without the chemicals
On my face, on my nails and in my hair
Growing it out
Everywhere

Pluck it out, don’t scream loud
And  take the pain as beauty’s price
Spend your money and time
And dye and dye
Until you die

He doesn’t notice
How high the heels
He doesn’t care
How it feels

Norms, norms
Abnormal norms
Inhumane morphs
In animal forms

When was the last time we dance in the rain,
Laughing at simple things.
When was the last time we enjoy playing outside,
Not minding if we will end up sweating.

When was the last time we laughed so hard without thinking about the world,
Just us sharing horror stories at night.
When was the last time we live so happily,
Curious about the future, about how we will grow old.

And now here we are, stressing ourselves,
Adulthood at it's finest.
When some of our dreams fail, our efforts became useless,
And we can't do anything about it.

We thought we can do everything once we're older,
Yet here we are, hearts begin to break and smiles starts to falter.
How I wish we'll be like that again,
Once we fall we'll just stand up and kiss away the pain.

How I wish we can be that happy,
Dreaming about those fairytale stories.
How I wish we can bring back time,
And stay as kids where problems are small like figuring out how to climb.

Those times where I'm so eager to find the answers to my questions,
Feeling so exhilarating for the things unknown.
I miss being the kid I am in the past,
Where Christmas is still special and know lots of spells to cast.

I miss those times where I can be who I am,
And dream of what I want to be.
Where I can sleep all day and eat plenty,
No worries, no more responsibilities.
I wish I didn't grow up, and stuck as a child,
So I can be more bolder and wild —in spirit.

It's sad.
I'm sad.
That the society I live in
will shove me in a box
That the people of this world
will look at me
and see not the words of my story
but the art on the cover
i'm sorry
If I'm not what you expected
For my voice leaks from the edges
And I color outside the lines
or
should there have been
no lines
to begin with

The only reason
I'm disappointed depressed disoriented

I had expectations
They let me down

Disappointed in what everyone thinks they do better
Disappointed to think I'm any different

Depressed at human nature
Depressed that I try and do no better

Disoriented because what's real is a dream

We stay asleep not because we can't see
But because we can't believe what we see

So row slow down the river of eyes closed

For when i lose expectations
I expect I'll find hope