Everywhere I go

There I am I can't escape

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What if the Titanic
Couldn't cope with expectations
And instead of dodging the iceberg,
Saw an opportunity to be free?

I spend more time dreaming than I do awake
With every lapse I'm world's away
If I don't hold on I'll float away
My heart's grown wings and yearns to fly away
My mind is trapped and needs escape

When can I be alone?
When am I really by myself?

Even the term 'by myself' implies that you are 'by' something,
With yourself.

Like the self is something external to you.
Someone you can sit next to.

I want to be truly alone, without myself.
I want the wind to brush past unfollowed by thought or recognition.
I want no one to know where I am, even me.

I need to be without myself,
Far away from myself.
I'm just so relentlessly 'there'.

i am over without the easy|
sometimes a cup without a saucer|
often shoes without socks|
but mostly i am legs running and arms whirling

in a hurry to escape the day|
in a rush to fill my head with bouncy thoughts|
in a flurry of wishing flat words into fantastic stories|
of turning grey into cerulean, and rust into claret

i am questions with more than one answer|
questions which play on my mind|
answers which go around and around|
like petals of eccentricity whelmed by an eddy|
and trying to escape the day in a hurry

there is no future, and there is no escape
it’s now or never
i’ve never had this hollowness in my gut
where i realise there is no way out

i am trapped in this body but also forever
does that mean i’m trapped with this mind
i can’t go on like this anymore

it could happen at any moment
whether i go through the consequences then

i need to end this suffering
my head is so full i don’t know what i’m expected to do anymore
i just feel like an empty lifeless corpse

all i can do is float around and pretend to be a part of something when actually i'm not

i’ve lost the place i felt safe to somewhere i can’t see and don’t know if it’s true
i don’t understand it

but what’s the point anymore
if i’m going to end and all my friends are going to end
why not end now instead of suffering through day to day

i’m useless
worthless

i wish it was easier to let go
but i know it’s not easy
especially when no one can hear me

because i can only scream in silence

I envy the birds
How they spread their wings
And soar through the sky

Not a thought on their mind
Free to fly far away
Let the wind carry them

But here I am locked
In this small gilded cage
And my wings are clipped