I was given a sharpener,
One for my birthday as a artists gift,
But have you seen how my wrists glisten in a way no watercolour can fix?
A relic of my pain that goes back to ancient times,
Do you even know how i dance along the razors edge,
My heart pulsing with each dubstep ,
The feeling that one beat too late and I slice my veins,
But thanks for the sharpener that i will dismember to get my pleasure,
The sharpener i will use to dance to my fate,
My last birthday,
Courtesy of pain…

I lay out in front of me a coffee cup,
Ceramic and cold ,warming with the lukewarm poison,
Why when you warn me off the threat,
Do i down the cup just to feel the warmth crystalise in my veins,
The sigh of relief mixes with the pungent stink of life haunting me,
Why am I not happy?
My pain was meant to be gone ,yet my heart still beats
And still beats for you ,
Why do i still go for coffee when coated with cyanide
The suffering i enjoy the excitement kick starts my heart
When all i wanted for it to stop,
And yet it still beats
And still beats for you

Sitting in that venue something clicked
Sitting in this dark living room watching videos and silently crying to myself while my cat drinks water from his fountain it clicked
I am not ok something in my brain has shifted
These thoughts scream out
Wanting to be tangible
My nails wanting to leave marks on my back
I need help
But every time I’ve reached out
I’m been cast aside
My doctor
Canceled my appointment citing I need a psych
Which I already have
My psych never answers
I try to hold in my pain but I am afraid how much longer I can
I feel like a younger version of myself has emerged once again

The blistering sound of color
Slams the inside of my head
In the mourning land of water
I believe I'm actually dead

The staple of heaven is a walkway
Sketching into the ground
And the familiar temperature of midday
Drags you all around

The familiar scent of home
Brinks your own dribble
Of when you're all alone
In this imaginary scribble

But home is way back up
For you are purely mistaken
I guess it was just your luck
For hell has just awakened

I have nothing to express
But the pain that’s inside
But what the doctor prescribed
Doesn’t keep me alive
It’s funny how my health just leaves me
Like a broken heart
Torn apart
Burnt bridges in hell
I’m there, can’t you tell
But I’m wishing you well
Wishing well, how short fate fell
Not a story I tell
Just a pain you can sell

You know, it's been rough.
I lost my girl, my job, my car
And I never was enough.

My refuge is gone and my heart remains yearning
But after all this time I'm still just learning
I just wish you didn't have to be a life lesson

There are two lives in my head
One is still with you
The other is dead.

Should I compare you to a spring morning
You are as harsh as the rains cold venom
Spring allows growth and warmth you cause scorning
Spring leaves when asked you outstay your welcome

Would I compare you to autumn’s sunrise
Autumn always takes its end peacefully
Somehow you take the end as a surprise
Fall lets the past fall you end forcefully  

Could I compare you to summers sunset
Summer should always brings joy and freedom
But with you summer comes with us upset
So why have I caged myself to boredom


So why do I keep comparing your fate  
For you are only the season of hate

After all those thoughts
Just when I look at those floods
I feel as if I should drown in them
Hidden in the river like a gem

Maybe I should act on my thoughts
Maybe I should act on people's words
They know that we had no droughts lately
Yet they tell me “drown in a river"
They tell me “end it all"
“**** yourself"
“I hope you die"
"jump off a cliff/bridge”
Just maybe
I should do it

Obviously
People just don't want me in this world
People obviously think of me as a burden
As a useless kid
A naive child that they can just use
But if course
I'm just too sensitive
I'll never understand anything

If I don't do it
I may as well punish myself
Like I have been
But worse
Not eating for days
Restraining myself from usually behavior
Letting everyone get a taste of a bland personality
As if I were on my anti-depressants that I haven't taken for months
Let others choke me
Let others help me in my self-destruction
Abuse me
Assault me
Do whatever you want to me
I don't care

Just maybe
I'm just the true sigma male that has a delightful cliff waiting for him

It's easier to embrace smudged crimson
And washed jet - they hurt with an E-string
Staccato, a familiar and a constant.
Come, let me don my madness once more
And laugh in the face of well-known shards
Like they love me. Take my filigree of words
And tell me nothing, not even that it's beautiful -
I cannot be answered, I, who would eat the night
Whole, I, who break at the slightest tremor,
And love it, too. Nothing was so true save falsehood,
And no love was sweeter than its cold kiss
Flung back in my young, still innocent, face.
Did you ever think to ask? I thought you never would.
I've accustomed to the silence now. I fill it with storms.