**** this constant pointless battle
Because all that i ever hear
No matter what i'm doing right or wrong is:

Stupid coward weak and selfish

And at least while i surrendered to the obsession
With ribs and love and hope, perfection
There was a way to win.

But **** this endless battle

Vines swindle & slither along my spine
Clawing & Raking thorns into my thighs.
When will I  realize?
That I am no good, too fat, not thin enough.
I'll wander this Earth, lifetime after another
until I'm emaciated as the rings of Saturn.
Only then will I be thin.

It's amazing
                     Isn't it?
    What a difference
                                                       EIGHT
                             *******
        
                                                   POUNDS
makes..

                       I was feeling okay
    Then I stepped on that ****** scale
                                              And now
I'm                   Falling
            To                    
     P
      E
         I
           C
              E
                 S

If only that were a literal statement..
            Then maybe I could forget some shards of myself

And I'll be lighter

It's been 16 hours, and the voices are beginning to quieten.
My stomach feels empty
but I feel proud and victorious.
As I begin to search through her pictures,
my heart drops.

She is so thin
So perfect

And look at me
I'm so fat
I'm so worthless!

The voices appear once again,
Repeating what I'd just recently chanted to myself.
Only, they are louder,
More vicious in a sense.

Now I feel the pains in my stomach grow more and more
They are so loud
But never did they once overpower the sharp voice of my demon that lived in my head.

After only glancing at my favourite piece of food,
It began to shout vigorously.

Don't be so stupid
Pathetic people like you don't deserve things like that!
Look away!
Don't even think about eating!

At this point I feel ill
I was being forced to starve myself by my own "thoughts"

I can only describe this demon to be my conscience that has turned it's back on me,
It is a messenger from the devil that overruns my every thought.
Delivering so many insults and put downs in to my head.

"You have 4 months until prom
And I'M winning this one."

Soon after that sentence circled my battered mind,
I lit a cigarette and watched the smoke as it disappeared away in to the grey, afternoon sky,
It represented my life,
I was disappearing.
Slowly
But surely
*Disappearing.

Beautiful and hungry,
They proclaim my fears.
They scream out of the darkness,
They whisper into my ears.

"A moment on the lips,
Adds ten pounds to your hips."

It rips into my sides,
It makes my stomach churn.
I guess I'll always think this way.
I guess I'll never learn.

"Dance for me my puppet."
And so I danced for her.
"Bind yourself to me my dear"
And so I bound myself to her.
"Listen to me and no one else."
And so I listened to only her.
"Starve yourself for me my precious."
And so killed myself for her.

Maybe one day the wind will pick me up and take me away from this place.

Maybe then it will whisper how lovely I've become.

I can feel it.
Just under the surface, it's there.
That hard prominent perfection.
Under my fingertips that trace my imperfections.
They are there.
Beautiful and white.
Just pull my skin tight and you can feel them too.

Everything they say,
Everything they do,
Everything they spout,
is a lie.

I know because the voices in my head told me so.