I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
  or fat
  or both
Judgment
   from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
   I'm gross
   and fat
   and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or eat fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
   I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
       lazy
       gross
       unhealthy
       FAT

There’s things In my mind
that I sometimes struggle to find
things like who I really am
if I looked deep inside

These Intrusive thoughts
keep invading my mind,
and they lead me to believe
that everyone will leave me behind

There’s something explosive
inside of my chest
emotions leak out
I can’t keep them suppressed

Can’t tell what is real
I’m so dissociated
it’s like right after something happens
the memory is asphyxiated

I can go from pure joy
To exploding with anger
and its so hard to control
the impulsive behaviors

I have so many conversations
inside of my head
and theres someone inside of me
that says I’m better off dead

By the time I was fourteen
I’d made my first attempt
only a freshmen in high school
yet I was treated with such contempt

Now I’m an adult
and nothings really changed
except for being told
there’s a disorder in my brain

Now I don’t want any attention
but I need some affirmation
does anybody really care
or am I just a mental patient

I lie here awake at night.
Thinking.
Dreaming.
Believing.

I will never be the same person I once was.
But I can only hope, that I will become the person I want to be.
The person I’m meant to be.
For I have escaped.

And what’s that you ask?
What have I escaped?
You will only know through the truths I’ve encountered.
For I, will no longer give in.

I fear lies.
entitlements,
and envy.

For I don’t want to mistake your promises for prophecies that will never exist.
You destroyed me.
Your destruction compelled me into believing that there was better.
And that the pain would end.
But it didn’t.
It grew stronger.
And so, I grew stronger too.

But I did from you.
I ran so fast, that I no longer allowed your lies to fool me.
You couldn’t keep up.
And you kept trying to take me away from everything I built.
From the new person I became.
And the new bond I had created within myself.

But it hurt at the same time.
And it wasn’t easy to destroy the walls I had built around everyone else.
For you were the only one I let in for months on end.

And eventually, they came tumbling down.
Because I had so much fight in me, that I believed I could escape you.

And for a minute, just a moment, I second guessed everything.
But I knew it was you drowning me, because you swallowed me whole.
For years.
And this was my year to thrive.

I am becoming me again.
With every breath I take,
I feel my body expand with joy.

I am learning
to take myself
just as I am.

Incomplete.
Shattered.
Imperfect.
Just as I am.

When you’re glowing,
it means you’re growing.

bodies starting
            to lose shape
                      blurry smiles
                              without a name
                                      the person in mirror,
                                                they are looking strange
                                                        i'm sorry that i don’t remember

                                                            identities just
                                            seem to fade

One minute you’re indulging in life’s empty promises,
full of light with a touch a glow;
and suddenly,
you’ve been consumed by the paradox of your own mind;
crumbling;
deteriorating;
without a trace,
you’re dying.

Too much thinking.

My room might get a bomb and throw the disorder
in my head.