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Aquila May 2020
Dear ed,
    Count this as a break up letter or the or the broken piece of me that found its way back. I made you a place in my body, carved  my rib cage out to open opportunities and your arms. made it so my collar bones could collect rain water so you so you could satisfy you thirst your fingers touched me with chills down my spine you made made me hungry for confidence  hunger desire  hunger then just hungry you made me light headed your words entered my thoughts and took possession took more than the part of me that i hated i skipped family dinners, school lunches, parties to be with you you breed  me on black coffee green tea and tumbler your love was a binged on low calorie and nightmares. The night mears rocked my world even though it was already was a day to day agenda for me i'm still scared to drink milk,fries, any thing with oil because of you not with you this wasn't a shared common ground between us it wasn't until i realized that i was starting to trade my way of life in for your yours at will, wasn't till i realized that's love doesn't come with loss of yourself it comes with growth along with an uphill battle with every **** thing you own everything  dear ed, this is a break up letter im not healed i still catch  myself crying over  to many chips i still have panic attacks because i'm full but at least i have every piece of me ed i'm done my body isn't something you can contort my body does not limit my opportunities my body does not define me and neither do you
                         Sincerely -recovery
shelly May 2020
All I have to do is go around the corner
To the other entrance to the parking lot
This should be easy
Driving is easy
I pull up to the road and look both ways
And horror strikes me to my core
The street isn’t empty

My knuckles turn pale as I grip the steering wheel
Like a cross to keep myself from shaking
My foot is on the gas pedal
The direction that this 3,000 pound machine goes
Is under my control
I lose control of my breath

I pull out onto the street

Swerve into the left lane
My mind says
There’s a family next to you
A mother singing along to the radio
A father stressing about his job
A little girl playing video games in the back
Next to her baby brother, still in a car seat
Their lives are fragile
My mind tells me
Slaughter them

I stop at the stop sign and look both ways

Humans are made of paper and glass
They collapse and shatter in a gentle breeze
And with this car I am Prospero
I can call tempests
I can crush their ribcages
Beneath the weight of metal and horsepower
Even if mother and father live
They must live with the empty space
Left behind by their much more tenuous children
I am collapsing under the weight of the power I hold
I am overwhelmed with visions of what I could do
What I might do
What I fear I will do

I turn the corner

I want to reach into my skull
And rip my brain free from its cavity
I do not want it to control me
I have no power over these obsessions
Despite the cocktail of medications I am prescribed
Despite the therapy
The conditioning
I can always pull the steering wheel
These intrusive thoughts will always infect me
They spread from my head to the rest of my body like a disease
I am sick

I pull back into the parking lot
wrote this at a writer's retreat a while ago c:
lexi May 2020
in the house
where sweet tulip roots fed off rotten wood,
where dark, faded mirrors
watched her cold breaths tremble,
where scars ran deep like poisoned blood
and shouts echoed through the veined walls;

the frozen tile still warmed as her feet brushed ground
and bluebirds puckered from her saccharine nectar
as the blossoms peaked their eyes
and the windows creaked,
full of promise.

seven years and we sprinted through tall grass fields,
wind chimes twinkling at each heave of breath
and thin strands of gold-spun hair glistening
like dew on morning leaves.

eight years and we climbed the tallest tree,
rough bark cutting into smooth skin
and fragrant scents of newborn pine sheathing
the smell of freshly fallen tears.

nine years and she sat on the back of my bike,
wind whipping her frail frame until each bone groaned
and creaked at every brittle secret spilled
from laced lips sewn shut with rusted needles.

and with every passing year,
a sweet drop of youth fell from her mouth into mine,
until smooth skin turned callous and pine and tears
became a sickly new perfume.

thirteen years and i watched her hover in the mirror
and probe her ribs with each pointed finger.
“wouldn’t i be so much better like this?” she said.
i laughed.

fifteen years and she was melting into the earth
as i watched her blow on a daffodil,
every exhale like a sharp knife,
and her newly hollowed cheeks
pulling taut to her bones.

in her house,
the frozen tile stilled as weary feet tread
and windows creaked, a broken whisper
of her lost thread.

i wrapped my fingers over her
thigh, thumb to thumb.

and then there was nothing left to hold.
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
(Before Covid 19)

I distance you
Because I hate you!

(After Covid 19)

I distance you
Because I love you!
After hearing the advise if you are caring for fellow citizens too distance yourself from them
Cerasium Apr 2020
Things in life are never fair
No matter how much you wish it to be
You will always get hurt
By things you wish to unsee

Broken hearts
And passion that’s forgotten
It’s starting to be clear
That the world is rotten

Hiding your feelings
So others can’t know
Just how badly you hurt
And wish to go

You smile and wave
Like a happy little fool
All the while
Feeling like a tool

Being used and abused
By the ones you love
While all they do
Is push and shove

You fall down deeper
Into this bottomless well
Hoping for a light
To escape this hell

Yet the more you search
The harder it is to feel
What will truly help
Is a way to heal

To heal the heart
Refract the thoughts
Coping with the pain
Of so much loss

And yet you sit and wonder
What time will end up bringing
Will it be the perfect angel
Or a devils upbringing
rachel redwine Mar 2020
Closed my eyes
While the feeling
building up inside of me
  Stands on my chest, that caves
     Makes it hard to breathe.

Let's do this again
And again. Like my mind can't forget
Every single word they say, speaking to my anxiety.

And so it begins
Like it ends
Then I'm left to pretend
It comes easy as friends
that I have made,
But not today

I'd rather isolate.

My intentions stood
On everything good.
Tried to fix it
But can't skip the inevitable

Merciful his grace
Discovering my faith
Can you fix it
Can you  make my mind quit

Confusing thoughts with words, why can't I make it work.
Dyslexic
It's a mind game
And I dont want to play.
Austin Morrison Mar 2020
I have realized I have a very unstable mental state.
Like I'm pretty sure we have all seen that person on the street.
Where your first thought is, "yea they are on something".
That person is in control of my brain.
For example, a typical Friday night goes something like.

" I hate myself // you hate me // I love you // you love me but you actually hate me // I'm hungry // I want to die // sometimes I wish I was a squirrel // it would cool to have a pet sea monster // I hate myself".

But it's not all bad.
It feels like I have become aware of my emotions.
Being able to choose when something is funny, sad, or frustrating.
It's like a superpower that doesn't always work. Being able to smile on rainy days, is nice.
But not crying for losing someone close to you can be jarring to handle.
I am drowning in the dark ocean comprised of my anxiety and depression.
Losing oxygen and the will to try and swim back up.
I sink to the bottom, just to realize I can stand up.
This is part of a project I am doing called the colour wheel. It is a draft piece and isn't very organized right now. I would love feedback moving forward with it.
OJ Mar 2020
Im often seen as weird
An alien of sorts

I'm not an alien
I just have had a rough life

There is several

Fay
Andrew

Jakob
Abbi

Damien
Lyra

And Maxwell
But everyone calls him Max

They all help in some way

They protect
They guide

They cry
They love

We are all in the same mini van
What car model are you in?
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