Feeling the need to let my mind just unwrap itself into whatever past present or future place it guides me to.

September 14, 2014 - 7 years ago it was less than a week before my world would forever be altered.

Nothing to prepare her.
She thought she knew what she wanted,
what she was doing;
none of it made sense
and it frightened and intrigued her
all at once.

What splendor lies in the forbidden unknown;
behind the curtain.

Close your eyes Julia,
just keep them closed and this will all be over soon.

You don't really feel him inside you,
on top of you,
behind you.
He's not there.
Not really, not if you don't want him to be.

Dissociate.
You can do it.
Just leave the room.
Can't you see it?

There.
You're getting ***** flat on your stomach.

I know you see him.
You see the anger in his face from way up here in the corner of the ceiling.
It's okay.
Don't cry.
Just numb out.

Think of ****** and of Brian.
Brian.
He doesn't feel like Brian.
Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.
This is your life now.
You chose this.
You deserve this.

Can you breathe?
Your head has been jammed between those pillows so long.

Are you sure she's ok?
She thinks she is but just wait.

He's been clipped.
You won't get pregnant.

I have to let him do this.
He's waited so long.
I have no more reason not to.
The postponing is over.

Pleasing him, her, anyone, always comes before what you want.
Do as is expected, Julia and it'll all be over soon.

You can make this all go away if you want.

Run, run fast into the back corner of the house
where your little room lies.
Stay there till it's over.
Till he's finished.

Don't worry about the warmth inside you,
spreading.

Just remember the balloons on your wallpaper,
that toy box right below the window in that first tiny room of yours.
You look up and see the blue sky
and the clouds twist themselves into animals for you.
The purple crayon loops on the wall behind the door.

The night light, the bear with the stocking cap on.
Where is it?
Where'd it go?
It's dark again, it's so dark and I can barely breathe.

Why are my clothes off?
When did he take them off?
Did I?
How did all this begin?
Where am I?
His bed.

I can hear the fountain outside.
Turn your head, Julia.
It's Friday, the day after the chaos.
6:31pm.
I'm on my back.

This is the first time?
Yes.
This was the first of 2...or 3.

**** is an ugly word.
It sounds just like the act.
It feels ***** and painful in your mouth.

Hate comes easy when I see that print of the pillowcase.
It smells of ****** sweat and clean sheets.

My hair is getting pulled.
"I'm gonna make you mine."
Cringe.
Hold your breath, let him do what he's going to do and just wait.
Stay in one spot and do nothing,
nothing can hurt you if you just lie there.

This isn't really happening.
Go away.
Go away, Julia.
Just run,
run as far away as you can.

You're in bed with a monster
and you don't need to see the life he's steeling from you.

by Arcassin B



excuses have no uses,
when you fall in love,
type writer when there is nothing else,
write what you feel,
doesn't matter where you from,
been bullied constantly,
about something i can't control,
being nervous isn't easy,
when your 17 years old,
hiding from what the truth is,
trying to conceil it,
but thats my business,
fighter,not a talker,
i don't give a ****,
and when you read it,
hope you see what i been through,
with you,
coming home everyday,
with loosened shoe strings, they were blue,
got in a fight today,
they had the sky in fire as they lit a fuse,
wish i could cut off my skin,
but i don't have the *****,
finding the strength within,
to search for a greater flaws,
did you read it yet?

My mouth waters,
My fingers ache,
I gasp,
Bite my lip,
My hips buck,
My legs lock,
I am stricken for a moment.

With want,
Need,
Lust,
Hormones,
Fire,
Desire.

I ache,
Beg,
To touch you
With my fingertips
Mouth
Palms
Teeth,

To explore every plane of your
Body
I can get to

Allow me
To savor
Every bit of you

For I will treasure you,
And every way you make me
My body
Feel.

I slapped myself just now.
My face is numb;
Tingling

As if a herd had stampeded over my very own right cheek and perhaps a few of the pack had

                                        Stumbled

Over my very own rough skin, and do you think that hatred

                                        Seeps

Up into your pores? Or does it

                                        Sink

Down into your organs because I'd like to know which part of my body will be the first to deteriorate, the first to

                                        Spoil

Under the weight of my very own hate for myself and everything around me.


Do you ever half-accidentally

                                        Pause

Just to glare at your own selfishness and wonder how you ever became such a vile creature? With venom in your very own blood, How could one ever

                                        Plant

Such a seed of pure evil like a virus stemming from your very own mind but there you go again blaming someone else for something that's really

Your very own fault.

And here I am
Throwing yo Iin the bathroom
I'm a iiiye
Upset
If can't tell.

Why not choose me your
Love and thing
In use

You make me ****


It's a stand alone complex
Ghost in the shell
Animatrix.

I got lost in the darkness,
And found HER on the way,
As I lay here in the dark,
I pray for forgiveness,
HER SINS haunt me,
Thoughts forever inside,
I lie here in the dark,
Wanting to DIE
Wanting to CUT
"WHY DONT YOU DO IT
YOU SCAREDY ****?!?!"
She pulls at my mind
Asking me WHY?
"WHY DONT YOU
PUT AN END TO IT ALL?"
My only answer is to cry:
"MANDY IS SO MUCH STRONGER THAN I!!!"

.AMANDA FALLS.