it’s midnight in laredo
and my shoes slap the sidewalk
like a dying heartbeat.

people pass by like ghosts
faces painted on smoke,
and i pause —
am i the only real one?

then loneliness crawls my back
like a wet coat i can’t shake off
and i keep walking.

I'm holding onto a makeshift raft                                                          sailing  into a hurricane's wrath                                                            ­             Tossed  around in a sea of emotions                                                         ­ trying  to navigate a turbulent ocean                                                          The  waves crash in mercilessly                                                      ­ choppy  waters, dangerous seas                                                             ­   in  the perils of uncharted territory                                                        ­ drowning in tempestuous energy

For years I fought something only I could see,
A battlefield etched in the silence of me.
The foe was mine, yet I could not yield,
A fight contained in an unmarked field.

I clashed with shadows that wore my face,
Each strike within left a deeper trace.
Fighting hard just to stand or breathe,
A battleground I couldn’t command or leave.

But time wore thin, the noise fell still,
The air grew thick, the ground unfilled.
No victor crowned, no flag was claimed,
Just ruined trenches and a captive unchained.

Not quite peace, but free from pain,
A quiet place where hope’s restrained.
No joy to chase but tears is no more,
Just steady breathing — after the war.

You need to let go, they said. Letting go will set you free;
you need to forgive.
I have forgiven: it just wont let go of me.

Precisely what makes you think I'm worth this anyway?
this time? these resources? this care?

Do you not smell the putrid rot, see the maggots of my madness?
The glass is half empty of milk -
curdling and spoiling on the mantle.
I have scrubbed well over a decade: it wont wash away.

Each night is a relentless gruelling warped dance of the damaged,
the steps are foreign and ****** the ever encroaching darkness,
I am not mine-

What can I bring you to impart clarity?
I have laid myself bare under both kind and cruel eyes;
let you um and hmmm at my broken heart, my tainted body -
and take a microscrope to the intricate spoils of my mind.
I have endured the indignity of supervised showers,
the callousness of those who have known nothing but love
submitted to regimes of drugs lined up like soldiers on the front line
and down one by one they went

And now beyond broken, I crumble to dust lost in the wreckage of myself
This tsunami of darkness mounts an assault so violent -
its merciless, it violates, I am imprisoned: silent scream.
The growing insanity reclaims me for its own: it gives me over to him.

Instinctively I recoil, squirm, curl up tight - futile foolishness.
It isn’t supposed to really be real. But perhaps I really do belong there.
I let her go. I am ready to let me go
Drained and pained, exhausted and alone.
How my mind betrays me; how my body fails me;
I berate myself for not being better, stronger, more acceptable.
I am a slave to the black dog.
He bites and ravages - savage being
feeding off the fear and hurt of the girl who was impossible to love.

The painful depths are beyond the grasp of language now
and every nerve is burning;
invisible fingers tighten around my throat and I choke on silence.
Hope’s whispers are lost in the roaring barrage of abuse.
I fear I am irretrievable; the ferocious love loaned out
never was returned leaving chunks gouged out of my heart.
I have fought for my life and drenched myself in knowledge.
But the war is savage and my ammo spent.

What is this demented tumultuous madness?
It burns, scorches, consumes with forced acid kisses.
I retreat into myself but find myself locked in a cage -
one to which I no longer have the key.
I fear I will never have my death of this, of him -
I’ve had my fill of being ill - of being owned by a man who came to ****.