These are two words which are completely foreign to me.

What is a mother? What is a father? How do they both act? I have not only been deprived of their significant meanings and experiences, but defiled also.

I am plagued with Mommy issues, Daddy issues. Anything at all relevant to something paternal, forcefully and painfully stirs something inside me.

I wish to squirm and break away from such a topic. It hurts.

Envy? Yes. But I know it is futile to wish and be other children with healthy families.

Everything Is Worldly.

Like a concept she felt known but not heard,
Her desires were just a replica of her mother's,
Like wise her mother Will she mourn over them too?
the demise of her desire,
The deceased desire to live,
To create,
To be known and heard,
And to be aware,
To be completely infatuated with something more than an idea,
To be infatuated with reality,
Hitherto,
she had learned 4 walls is all there is to this life.

When he comes home, I go into panic mode,
The walls in my brain closing in,
The bile in my throat rising,
My teeth sweating in anticipation of what is to come

When he comes home,
I hope to god that I pass beneath the radar,
Nothing more than a sigh on the breeze,
Nothing more than a ripple in a pond
Nothing for him to notice

When he comes home, I make myself as small as I can,
Hoping that he’ll ignore me like he has all these years,
But knowing that it’s a futile attempt,
Like trying to avoid the burning sun

When he comes home,
The nausea roils in my gut,
Reminding me that I am nothing,
That I will never be anything more than what he paints me to be

When he comes home,
I am reduced to “yes sir” and “no sir,”
To eyes that are glued to the ceiling or floors,
To fidgeting hands and twisting fingers
To nothing more than a decoration to stand in the corner

When he comes home,
I try to retreat to my room,
I try to give him the space that he seems to need,
I try to leave him be and let him sleep,
But nothing seems to work, and he yells all the same

When he comes home,
My home becomes nothing more than a battlefield,
One that I cannot escape,
One that there is no running from,
One from which the injuries are only seen in the trauma that is left behind

When he comes home,
My life becomes nothing more than a play,
A tragedy in which no one survives,
A performance that I am supposed to know,
But stage fright has taken over and the lines mean nothing to me now
And I am frozen, hoping for the curtains to fall to cover my fear

When he comes home,
I quietly
Exit
Stage left.

In all of my twenty years of life,
I have been many things.

A daughter
A sister
A friend
A lover

But now, I am no longer my father’s little girl.

My father doesn’t talk to me anymore;
He says that I don’t look him in the eyes,
And he is right, but not for the reason he believes

I am afraid to look him in the eyes
Because I don’t want to see myself reflected in them,
Proof of my failure to separate myself from him,
Proof that I am him and always will be him

I do not want to become my father,
Stuck in a marriage with no love left
Or love that is there
Only because it is supposed to be

I do not want to become my father,
Constantly on the verge of tiredness,
And whether that tiredness is directed at
His family or his life, I shall never know

Because I do not want to become my father
All sharp words and angry edges,
Keeping everyone around him on their toes,
Keeping my head on a swivel to not upset him

I do not want to be my father.
I do not want to make my children feel
as though they will never measure up to
Impossible standards, set way too high

I do not want to be my father,
Telling my daughter that she’s eating too much
And not looking at me enough,
Guilt-tripping her into half-hearted apologies,
Said with tears trembling in her eyes

I do not want to be my father.
I do not want my children to be frightened of me,
Dreading the thought of my arrival home
Waiting in fear of my reaction to something they’ve done

I do not want to be my father.
My home will be a gentle home,
Peaceful and quiet,
With no rage-filled shouting matches

I do not want to be my father,
Wondering where he went wrong with his daughter,
That she would stand in front of him, angry tears on her cheeks,
Screaming at him that she wishes that she were dead

I do not want to be my father.
Struggling to catch up with the times,
Grudgingly supportive of the daughter that is different,
The daughter that loves men and women,
But only because he has to be

I do not want to be my father
But I wish that sometimes,
I could be his little girl again,
Back when everything was ok
And it still felt like he loved me

I do not want to be my father,
But sometimes,
It feels as though
I will never be anything more

You blame her for my struggles,
yet you were the one who made me suffer.
Always busy earning money,
never doing anything funny.

You made me question my own worth,
shortening my time on this earth.
I was 15 when I first took the blade,
creating something that will never fade.

It’s sad how blind you were,
thinking you were a good father to me.
Couldn’t see the tears and the pains,
being treated by losing blood from my veins.

Needing pills to stay alive,
couldn’t even know how much longer I can survive.
Yet you still think you aren’t the one to blame,
thanks to you my life will never be the same.

I will never forget what you have said,
nor the memories which I can’t get out of my head.
I never wanna see you again,
and you should respect that if you are a man.