From my father I got,
Anger, Self doubt, a lonesome tiredness of people. No discrimination.
He taught me to question everything
Even when there are no answers
Even when the question itself was the answer
There is no better built in confidence in the universe, like that of a man in his 60s
Having lived a small but loud life.
Full of oppressors and zero self love. A proud life
My father doesn’t always understand why I follow the herd
Having always been the Sherpa, minding his business on top of his high mountain
He tells me to get higher paying jobs in one breath, and that I’m still a baby in another
From him, I’ve learned the value of hard work
And the basics of computer
And how to yell for no good reason
My father loves me dearly and I miss him so
If only he knew how to love himself better
Then maybe I’d miss him more

The blue dust of death
Lingers by your elbows
A skeleton in a t-shirt
Who insists he isn’t hungry
Who insists he doesn’t deserve
The dust used to sit around you in big puffs
Blown in fresh from the latest round of chemo
Now it swirls by your ears
Seeps at your nail beds
Swishes in the wispy little hair you have left
Now we’re doing the natural method
Many methods exist
And we’ve chosen one with good results
From a friend of a friend
She had three lumps in her breast and now they’re all gone
So now we talk to the good dr Valentina
Who answers questions and tells us what to do
And you are awake for all of it
You are not lost in a stupor of narcotics
Lost in the brain slickening wash of chemo
Lost in a stupor of alcohol
Lost in a rise of vivid emotions like rage and shame
Lost in the waves of the Holy Ghost
No, no you are here
In the stillness, in the quiet morning
In the house with your worried wife
Your worried daughters
With yourself
You are awake, conscious
Making these healthy, guided, slow, steady, daily choices
You’re surrendering consciously
And it’s hard
You’re present with your demons
And it’s hard
Maybe you see the blue dust of death
And maybe since your eyes are now clear
Maybe you think it’s new
Maybe you think it’s worsened and not lessened
You know so little, dad
You know about submarines, trains, fear, National Geographic, how to give a cutting death stare, how to starve your body, how to dehydrate, how to laugh off the pain of a friends wife, how to to convert someone to our lord and savior Jesus Christ in a broom closet, how to make a savage dog submit, how to provide for a family for 20 years, how to leave your young children, how to not care, how to brush it off, how to hide your drinking, how to lie, how to inquire, how to shame, how to apologize
Some of these skills are new and I’m grateful for them
And now you are learning how to live, blue dust of death and all

The days go by so slowly, but the weeks fly right on by
Echoes of you everywhere, and all my heart knows is to cry
The emptiness without you is almost too much to bear
With a pain this intense, my best and only tool is prayer

It takes all that I have in the morning to just get out of bed
I keep thinking of all the regrets and other things not said
They say that time heals all wounds, but I do not think this one will
The world just keeps on spinning, when it feels like it should be still

Every night I go to sleep, thinking I will see you tomorrow
Then reality hits me when I awake, and I struggle with the sorrow
This was not supposed to happen, and certainly not this way
But if I were to see you again, what would I even say?

We stayed so distant because we both needed our own space
Yet all I feel are hurt and regret, now that you're in another place
Are you looking down on me, watching me from above?
If all I feel is grief, does that mean I feel your love?

I have so many questions, the main one being, "Why?"
Why did you have to leave us, and why could we not say goodbye?
Did you think that you were sparing me, to take away my begs and pleas?
I still want more time, and for us to make new memories

The house feels so empty now, without your presence around
I listen for your voice, and your heart in every sound
Can you come stay with us, and sit with me for a while?
I would do almost anything, if I could get to see you smile

These are the words that came to mind, and they don't feel like enough
But it is too hard to think that clearly when dealing with something this tough
I keep expecting you to come back, to say it was all just a scheme
That it was some secret plot, or even just a dream

You would walk up from your office and sit down in your seat
I would hug you tightly and just listen to your heart beat
I would yell at you for leaving us, and bury my head in your chest
You would say that you just needed time, because you were so stressed

But since that is not reality, no, just my wishful thinking
Instead I look to the night sky, and notice the stars that are twinkling
I will pick one of those, and choose to believe it is you
Because as much as I am hurting, I am sure you miss us too

So I will do my best to be a man, and soldier on without you
For no matter what anyone else may think, I will always talk about you
I will never stop hurting, this just means we had a lot of love
I cannot wait to embrace you, when we join you up above

Mom and I will be okay, you do not need to worry
The love of God is with us, the author of our story
For although this chapter hurts, and there are tear stains on the page
I will remember you in every sentence, and with the coming of every age

For to have had a father in this world, it truly was a blessing
You are no longer in pain; there is no more hurt or stressing
We may have had our differences, but I was lucky to call you dad
I see it all too clearly now: you were the best I could have had

Dear dad,

From you I learned that anger was scary.
You never expressed it in a way that wasn't frightening.
Anger was always directed at someone or something,
You often voiced threats and I could only nod along because I was so afraid.

Ever since the day you burned the bridge we made,
The string that kept me full of hope; burned and faded away,
I'd lie to myself for a long time,
I protected you my whole life.

Because of you, I don't know how to feel mad.
It rarely happens but when it does,
It's usually directed at myself.
Because I don't want to scare or hurt anyone else.

I can't use my voice when I'm angry
I cry and step away,
Or wait until I get to my car to scream
as I drive home and feel hateful.

I hate my anger...
I feel disappointed
I'll never tell you but
I wish you had done better.

These are confessions I can never send.
Because they blatantly won't understand
and that is something I need to get,
They don't care for me enough to accept the ways they hurt me and say sorry.

They are hypocrites,
Because they want me to stay weary.
They want me to always let go and cry alone.
They don't care if around them I'm woeful.

Mom,
You always said I was in the wrong,
Cleaning and chores were our only "bond"
You never chose me unless you could brag.

Dad,
You broke my heart,
You'd catch me when I'd fall
But never stuck up for me in the end.  

Mom chooses to make me a villain,
All I wanted was her acceptance
but she sees me as a sinner who's selfish,
I should put my pain aside and pretend I'm good.

I will be left to wonder forever,
Why my pain doesn't matter
In comparison to my sister,
Why am I less accepted when I'm in pain?

Dad loves me because he sees himself in me.
I look like him, we share a hobby
but growing up I believed that was the only thing he loved about me
Because one moment he'd be there, but would runaway when I needed him most.

Alone, he would listen,
He would say he'd help me
But in front my mom he was different.
Suddenly, what we said in the car was insignificant.

I'm an adult who doesn't know her needs, wants, and likes
Because I spent my life trying to be accepted.
No one taught me how to accept myself,
Or how to know what I need or want.

If someone cared unconditionally,
I clinged to them.
I hoped they'd never leave,
because I never got that from my family.

Now I'm in therapy, crying in every session
That I'm hurt again because of them,
Or hurt by myself because
I don't know who I am.

1/6, those were the odds
He knew and did it anyway
For that I’ll never forgive
For that I’ll never believe
Nor in God or luck
Because if those do exist,
I am no child of he above
And I lost my dad to bad luck

There was a night
Sitting in my room
Engulfed with pain
That old bedroom
With memories plastered on the walls
You sat next to me
Seeing the pain she had just put me through
You said to me
“It wasn’t your fault”
And i cried
Tears i’ve never cried before
Sadness
Anger
Relief someone saw it too
You held me
Ever so tight
Said you wouldnt let go
“It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault”
Made me scream it aloud
Until I knew it was true
You kept holding me while i cried
Thinking I’d always have you

You said it was all my fault
It’s not my fault you raised me this way
Your life
The ****** ways you grew
My life
Having to start anew
You blame me for the things I’ve learned from you
“Do what I say not as I do”
A ****** thing from the both of you
Tiptoeing around a line that was askew
Her teaching me things that will never be true
Lies from the mouths of people I knew
Reject
Neglect
Needs that would never be met
A million thoughts in my head
But only two that say what I wished I had said
*******