For a year I had a folder in my computer called "hey dad".  I used to take photos of myself when I had been crying really badly. I wanted to see if the sadness would show up in my face. I wanted someone to see it.  I didn't know why I did it. But I think it's because you were never there to see me cry. I think it's because if it reached a breaking point where I wanted to bombard you with how much I'd suffered and struggled and you'd hit back with telling me it wasn't true I'd send you those photos. Their dates extending across a whole year. Me wearing different clothes, different hair, but each one a picture of anguish, I wanted you to be confronted with it inescapably. But then I felt like you wouldn't want that, so I deleted it.

Living through my tragic life, and then talking about it to the point where I can't even defend myself.

It's killing me.
There's no point to standing up for yourself.
And no point in arguing ever if you're right.

Living my life, and then being sad about it.
Telling people who can't help me.

It's like being on a treadmill.

It's exhausting without going anywhere.

Last Night I got drunk with my friends
I kissed a boy with blonde hair and
beautiful blue eyes
Just as yours
Because I wanted to feel your lips
or Something similar
But when I got home
The memories of how your lips
really feel like
started to come back
So It was me
Crying on the kitchen floor
Again

You seem saddened, They say
they don't have a clue
I tell them my feelings and they don't know what to do
If my emotion had a colour it'd be greyish blue
I only feel happy when I'm with you
and through all of the lies this is true
But I'm antique, and you wanted someone new

It amazes me how easily you lie
It  has become fluent to you
A second language you have perfected
Every word spoken with smooth deception
Were your lies so absolute that I fell for them
or was I to blind to notice the obvious?

"How are you" is the only thing that you ask
every day on the phone
and i tell you "I'm fine"
but I'm alone
I yearn for warmth
in the cold of night
and hugging my pillow tight
Drinking tea at 3 am because
The panic attacks were too much
for me to lay my exhausted body on
my pillow full of tears

You said you were done
with me and my friends
and left me in the dead of the night
And i wish i had a time machine,
so i could go back to the first time you said
"I love you"
even though those words were hollow
it still made me feel whole

I count the minutes that pass by on the clock,
smiling at how stupid I was,
for letting you in, when you were false
after all, I'm young
and can't make decisions;
I can't even decide what to wear on the first day back,
to a hell hole that makes me depressed
And it's not like anyone will care
but i still want your approval anyway